Tag: stress

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rants

Screw perfection

Being perfect or trying to be hasn’t really helped anyone. It’s a dumb concept and conveniently works with grind culture and other spaces I don’t want to be apart of.

I’m not perfect and I’m not sure if I even want to be anymore. It hasn’t helped me in the past and worked against my confidence. Some things just don’t work for me. I understand some people are okay with things in life and it makes them feel important and they’re amazing, but I’m not cool with a lot of things and they don’t improve my life.

I used to be so upset in school when I used to be called smart and intelligent but I still had to study and it seemed like other people did. I didn’t want to study. I didn’t even like the material! I didn’t enjoy school until I got into eleventh grade because it was more interesting then. I wanted to just be smart. I wanted everyone to keep calling me smart. I didn’t and still don’t feel smart, but I know now it’s just a meaningless label like being lazy, cool, stupid, or mature. I was called mature when I was younger because I didn’t talk, yet I cried every year at school and had some immature issue going on at home. I’m not mature. I still am not mature. I “think differently” than some people but I’m not mature nor am I special. In the classrooms that I’ve been, I’m not that well liked or even cared about. I was never put into special groups and when they’d tell me they like me, I knew they were lying. I didn’t even do my homework, I just talk a lot and want people to hear me.

Anywho, perfectionism was the reason why I didn’t do my homework. It was never advanced enough, never good enough, never worth showing, and if I did it, it was never going to be perfect. I use that annoying site Duolingo and frequently tell myself it’s okay to get less than a 100%. Nobody is watching me and the little characters still get happy when I get an 86% or less. Yet, I don’t feel smart enough. I didn’t try in school because trying and receiving failure was stressful.

I was never an A student. I never had amazing grades. I’ve always been average and always somehow got ok grades. I didn’t and still didn’t read a lot after I peaked at six. So I mean, my perfectionism is nonsensical, but it just so happens that it gets worse.

I can’t do that crap at college. Getting low grades literally make me feel dead inside and like I’m worthless, wasting my mom’s time and money, and I’d be better off dead. It literally is that bad. I hate school but I can’t drop out. I want to learn, but graduation is the only option. My life would be worthless and I’d be a bad person if I drop out. Do I think other people are that way if they drop out? No. Honestly, it’s so exhausting for me to be myself that I can only make comparisons with people in my spaces.

I am a lazy piece of crap. Some people who drop out have classically successful lives I can’t dream of having because they have drive and doesn’t matter if they were in school or not. They have something about them that makes them want to do something. I don’t. I don’t have that skill and I’m not even sure I care enough nor have faith to change it. I cannot see myself in the future really. I can make dreams and think of them but I don’t actually see them as reality nor care about things. I feel in the moment. I have ideas and plans I do in the moment, but when I make goals, sometimes they feel meaningless or not worth achieving.

And I constantly make goals. Regardless how elaborate they are to poorly planned, they don’t really work out as planned. They’re done halfway or are changed and some of those plans are okay. Majority don’t impact my life in an irreversible way, but they keep me average, forgettable, and boring.

It’s like the condescending thing a lot of older people say where there’s an idiot that’s in an obstacle course and instead of thinking of new ways to get over the brick wall, the idiot just keeps hitting the wall with a hammer and getting tired but nothing changes.

And what makes it worse is that I listen to people and their ideas of success—some that aren’t for me but I’m permeable and people can say stuff and I’ll consider it—and I never feel successful. I don’t care if I graduated high school. I don’t care if other people didn’t. I didn’t do things the way I wanted and didn’t graduate in the way that would make me smart or even competitive. I punish myself when my GPA drops. I didn’t in high school even though I should’ve.

I wanted to be those kids that studied for a long time and had no friends. I had no friends. I did the unthinkable and tried making internet friends and failed. If I could be a hermit closed off of the world or single souled (to only be happy/content) and successful, I wouldn’t have to think about my success.

That’s exactly why I just don’t like perfectionism. I don’t like being like that. I don’t like caring about people and doing what they want. I can’t help it. I can’t help wanting attention and appreciation. I just do.

Anyway, see you in a bit.☺️ I just wanted to get it off my chest.

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artwork rants

The case of the [blank]

All these triumphant words 
Nothing
A metaphorical straw
Nothing
There’s something left
Nothing
A husk.

Where is your power
Nonexistent
And it makes you feel
Nonexistent
You can’t fix what is slapped as your fault
Nonexistent 
You should be ashamed.

And look at you,
Null
why do you think you deserve things?
Null
You’re not a human,
Null
You’re supposed to be dead.
I tried to draw a woman’s body.

Hey, y’all. I finished my art homework for the next part of the semester but overall, I just wonder what I’m going to do with this blog. I can’t keep taking breaks. I don’t think that’s right, but I’m exhausted with everything. I literally wake up and don’t feel like offering anything to the table and my characters are great but I just don’t feel like sharing them anymore. I’ve lost a lot of passion and drive. It’s like…what’s the point. It’s not even like it’s a story.

It’s just that it’s hard to make something. It’s not like this story is really that complex than any movie you’d see or book, yet, it’s just…exhausting to share to people. I hate to say some people don’t care, but I could just post my art on here with no captions or a long explanation and that’d matter more then if I littered my post with captions and effort.

It’s like how my professor ask why I did something and expect a small one word explanation or an artisty term and go on but when I give a story and my references, they zone out. It’s just…what’s the point?

If my intent is meaningless and everyone else’s are important, why do I need intent or write a long caption? What’s the point? What’s the point of just not doing painting of absolutely nothing or just a women looking at y’all, the viewers? Give your own intent.

Like this picture from infamous Artbreeder.

What is my purpose of making a blog or existing? What’s the point?

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artwork original content stories?

When?

When? 
“When” is the question,
that many ask when asking for the next best thing
or the end of the worst.

I ask,
When will I be able to draw bodies correctly?
When will I have the courage to attempt bodies,
instead of sitting with my book drawing busts?
When will this fear be over?!
When will I practice anatomy?
When will I complete my conlangs?
When will I put a story together?

These are only in my control.
I control when.

Drawing is not enough. Practicing other things are great, but they’re tiring or embarrassing…extremely embarrassing. It is extremely hard to post content that looks bad as it is extremely hard to take time on a picture that looks like absolute trash. By no means am I trying to achieve perfection, I’m trying to achieve completion or at least do something well enough that I don’t see immediate mistakes when I do it or it doesn’t make me stop too early.

I’ll show you some stuff that has me like that.

Trying to develop a particular character’s body. 🙂
Pitri and Tatmtar. They’re very easy to draw out of the rest.
Noshili (Tatmtar), a very unfinished picture of Zhan/Feyondo and Noje’s oldest Nijine as a small child. (I know he’s holding her line a doll. I’m stupid and that’s why I stopped drawing it. Also, there’s too much separation. Last person is Zhan. Who is holding his daughter.
Pitri listening to someone. Her body looks JANKY, but I actually like it, but the head isn’t turned how I want it. She’s drinking a drink that has a lot of caffeine in it because she’s a caffeine addict. (So, idk if I’d worldbuild food or not, but it makes the job 100% harder. I’m into drawing, then worldbuild, then writing.)
This lovely angel, Nejame is shown to be sixteen here and was first crowned Ut Ne (by the lazy drawn gold flowers in his hair). His name would be at the time Nedase A Leu Ne Nahande Ut Ne. Or translated That (important) Person from Ne Land Nahande Nedase. Ne Ut means citizen.
Noje and trying to get her skin tone. (It’s not dark enough and her body is too thin here)
Movement studies with pen and drawing bodies. (An L but it was fun)
Unfinished pictures of bowls and ceramics. They cause me stress to draw, but if I want to be an illustrator, I have to learn. The problem is that if I want a still life, I have to craft all of these and my sculpting skills are subpar.
S panicking and feeling guilty.
This is a picture of Damijo (Neloni) and a character that I haven’t given a particular name yet (his cultural name is Solisi). I will call them S on the paragraph. It’s STIFF. Really stiff and stale!
These are somewhat in order of importance and also sequentialness.

S is playing a Jinhi hunter and Damijo is playing the “evil” Jinhi. It’s somewhat early in Damijo’s acting career and he’s a horrible but cute acting character (he can act, he just doesn’t really fit in with the vibe and was placed there for nefarious reasons not of his own doing). Anyway, of the two scenes, a scene before makes S feel really bad for Damijo to the point that instead of drawing his sword (that I poorly drew), he drops it and walks to the Jinhi (again, played by Damijo) and nuzzles him.

S has a reputation of being sarcastic, brave, heroic, and insensitive (because it’s their culture to mimic soullessness or basically lack emotions because emotions are bad to them). Meanwhile, Damijo’s reputation is the opposite. He’s very sensitive, ditzy, silly, and humorous because he looks stupid to people and has a strange sounding voice. S basically feels bad for the in story character and also for Damijo and cracks into his inner suppressed self, Solisi.

S was born in the same small community— Sholi—as Damijo, but instead of being a Jinhi like Damijo, he is a Sol Solio. He, however, had a very different life then Damijo and was raised moderate poverty and lacked a citizenship to Bamygdala. He was scouted out by these people looking for an actor. He fit the idea when he acted, but his appearance and his demeanor was unfit. He is naturally timid, anxious, shy, and very emotional and will cry easily. They worked on him with that, but they also gave S plastic surgery to look more of the idea for Northern Bamy people, they were trying to push and made him bleach his skin and hair.

As sensitive as he is, it gave him an identity crisis and made him slightly dissociate. He sees himself as Solisi as his own, but S wants to take over his body and fight him. S is almost always referred to as the Almighty S, and even Solisi will call him that. Solisi refers to himself as himself and refers to S as someone else even though they share the same body and think similarly but differently. Solisi is very traumatized of all the chaos in his life and that’s one of the many ways he handles it (until he gets therapy).

Anyway, Solisi comes out of S in this scene and decides to not to harm the Jinhi. The director thought it was okay because it promoted a message he wanted. (That it was socially okay for citizens to buy a spouse that’s from one of the indigenous groups nearby.) Though, S’s mindset of doing that wasn’t out of romance. It was more out of frustration.

This one is the older version of the nuzzle. There’s nothing that bad about it but Damijo’s face isn’t the way I want it and S looks too flat, but otherwise, I like the emotions of the older one more. Damijo looks adorable (to me).

Anyway, this was a lot to write. I was a bit hesitant to write it, because it could be spoilers…but you know…👉👈. This comic or even storyline is unlikely to take off at the rate I’m going so I thought it would be more worth my time to just say it and move on and show you my oh so lovely art. (Not sarcasm, I do actually think my art is lovely.)🤷🏾It was nice talking to you. Have a nice day or night and make sure to stay hydrated.☺️

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about me rants

I can’t bring myself to talk about the things I want to talk about

I’m not trying to say I don’t care anymore because that would be disingenuous, but I feel like half of my soul has been slurped out of my body and reminds out there leaving me a sad and partially empty and angry individual.

I hate whining because it seems like only a select group of people want to hear it, but dang. I hate this world. And not because it’s villainously bad or anything, it’s the bane of my existence. I cannot and I’m not sure will ever be able to stand people unless I’m sedated. And again, not just evil people that are easy to hate. I hate a lot of well-meaning people who are basking in their false senses of security while dumping every single living problem on everyone else. Not even worrying about their own lives or repercussions because they don’t have to.

I know I sound like a hypocrite. We are all a hypocrite to someone, but some people are so far up to social justice that they don’t do a single thing that is worthy or actually helps people. Same with these so called people that are allegedly the opposite that are PC killers or whatever. They’re not doing anything. Nothing has happened. Nobody has stopped the bad guy. At this point, is it even their goal to? Or to fight amongst another? Why are marginalized groups fighting for representation and yet, not getting a SINGLE DROP of glory. Ultimately, wanting and fighting for your freedom is destroying it.

People don’t want equality, they want to be happy. If you secretly have people a pill to save the world but be equal or a happy pill, I can assure you 77% would choose the happy pill.

Is this a bad thing?

No. Equality isn’t freedom. Human kind doesn’t want freedom. They want to be happy and happy all the time. They don’t care about others. As long as their happy and if they lost dimensions of their soul to be in Heaven, Nirvana, and other joyous places, they’d take it. Nobody cares about, you don’t care about others. I like to believe I do, but tons of well-meaning but self serving people have told me all humans are bad and only care about themselves no matter how many times I tried to argue that I just will go as they say. Their microcosm probably is Hell, itself.

Drawing is my life, but it’s not a need. I don’t breathe art. I’m not an artist. I do drawings and cartoons and some people call it art. I stopped, because frankly, the word meant something to me and it hindered my progress.

I don’t want to be an artist anymore.

Art, by definition, is one of the stupidest and strangest concepts to mankind and only exists to sell a collective universal that doesn’t exist. Kerry James Marshall’s Black art only resonates with me because we are both Black. I cannot relate to the pictures. I don’t have the lived experience. However, galleries and political pictures don’t care.

It’s easier for many people to lump people into groups because it’s convenient and they don’t have to think hard at all to where the point in their head is it has boobs and a skirt, big lips, big hips. It a female. Must reproduce. It got gray sweatpants on and has a beard and features of a male. It a male. Must reproduce. Groups are convenient and some people can’t live without them and have what is like an autistic meltdown when it’s change.

I don’t want someone invalidating my creation as an art object because it doesn’t follow some outdated idea of what it’s supposed to look like. Which brings me to my next point.

Everyone says study realism and anatomy and your art will improve.

TO WHAT?!

What is my artwork supposed to be looking like? I’ve had people share their expectations for me to get better and it tanked my self esteem and my little heart. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IMPROVING ON?!

Everyone says art is soooo subjective and you can do anything you want but then you read an article to improve your way and get dunked with so many (honestly worthless) opinions and if you’re silly and young like me, don’t take them with a grain of salt because everyone is saying that.

So, I learn anatomy and realism…and then break the rules I spent my whole time not having fun or enjoying and going back to cartoons I wanted to draw 300+ years ago…and I look to see that I actually wanted to draw that way even if the art style is bad to everyone…what now? Do I stop enjoying what I love because it’s not good enough?

No offense, but we need to stop telling kids to be themselves. You’re always going to be yourself. You cannot escape your body, your physiology, your mind. Let’s say you’re in a play as Hamlet.

There’s a script, but your choices to act and how to deliver are purely your own and are just as frustrating if you had whatever. Stop telling kids that.

Their enough is never enough and they’ll live with it and if they don’t, I’m sorry. I’m learning the sheer inconvenience and frustration being myself.

My art is not abstract enough to be marketable, my art is not realistic or impressive. My own family ignores my art objects and drawings unless I gaslight them or perform a whole ASPCA commercial for attention.

I don’t enjoy drawing more realistically but I know I have to.

Unless you have an interest that is marketable that everyone likes or you want the glory, you’re going to get ignored or be lucky and have a niche group of people like and want to pay for your interests.

Categories
about me artwork rants

Burn out

Mostly drawing or whatever
A flame was lit, 
it was lit with a match. 
Lit so it could keep the group warm. 
But it was short-lived.

The flame couldn’t keep the two warm, 
and since it couldn’t, the group froze. 
They didn’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know really what to say…I received the big ol burnout. Always at this time of the year for classes. I moved my art supplies closer to me so I can still do them, but the passion is dead.

Why?

Because I’m struggling drawing bodies. It doesn’t make me want to stop drawing, it just makes me sad and not want to draw. I don’t have a particular style I’m going for, nor am I going for realism, but they’re just not going how I want. I really want to draw bodies for my characters, but failing is stressing me out. Failing isn’t scary, but it’s disappointing.

As well, it feels so stupid to post time and time because I’m not sure if I’m posting anything of value. I literally cannot bring myself to elaborate more on my ocs. 😔 Not because they’re bad, but I’m an artist and I assume people want to see visual art and not blocks of text. Anytime it’s about a character there’s so much more interactions but I don’t want to keep blasting people with on and on character profiles and no interactions with characters or anything, but I don’t feel like I can draw enough and I bit out more than I can chew. My art style fluctuates in quality too often.

I literally (as I’m not figuratively, literally!) almost had a meltdown over this whole thing. This is out of my comfort zone. Drawing two people together and making them look like they’re apart of the same picture. I know I should do it more, but this picture is exhausting and I got Noje’s dorsal part incorrect. (Should be flipped—that’s my bad)

Both of them look stiff and stale. Feyondo is a pain for me to draw as well. Any time I draw him, I believe a little part of me dies. His design has to look like that though because! It cannot look any other way or that’s not him!

But I know I’m burned out because I’m hiding from doing anything. Even the stuff I love because it looks terrible to me.

However!

The good news with all this is that if you’re turned off by your art, it means you might be improving and gaining insight that you need to change something or study something else, but also take a break.☺️ I’m not going to take a physical break just yet, because I have assignments to do, but I will be taking a break.

I will be taking my disgust with the way I draw bodies and the stiffness of figures (which usually isn’t that much of a problem, I just kinda want them to not be too janky). As well as draw two or more people interacting with each other.😮‍💨😭

As well, don’t forget to stay hydrated!

Categories
about me artwork rants

Identity Politics and stress

The older I get and the more I get into political issues, the more frustrated I get and the more things bug me or don’t feel worth it to talk about. One of them is identity politics. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like they’re bad or anything, I just find them to be stressful and responses and anger from people are difficult to help or cope with. I don’t think anyone wants to purposely be offensive or make everyone uncomfortable, and for me…I don’t run on spite. At all.

I understand that I’m speaking US politics, so if you aren’t from the US, don’t worry. It’s just not your politics (but you may subscribe to them.)

So, what I mean is that some of my characters go under different brackets of LGBT and queer identities. Some are easier to explain and some aren’t. I don’t want to ever feel like I’m pushing the politics down people’s throats or forcing them to see something they don’t want to see…

The thing about identity, is that that’s the driving force of a lot of people’s personalities and nurture. For example, I’m a Black American. It doesn’t define my personality in a way that makes me act a particular way, but it adds nuances to my actions. For example, if you look at my characters and how they’re designed (I believe), you may be able to tell. You may not, oh well. It gives a big outlook on people’s artwork. I’m also in the B and T region in the LGBT, this affects my characters. Some of them are trans, some of them are cis. Some are straight, gay, bisexual, or some kind of nuance.

Another identity politic is neurodivergency and mental illness. This one is a lot more complex and controversial. Some of the characters go through various different traumatic experiences and events in their lives and some of them are just born different.

I needed a picture to post on here and don’t feel like posting new art. She is not in the LGBT at all, she’s just cute.😂 The closer up you see this picture, the more visible the erased pictures are. I also always managed to leave erasures on my sheet any time I take a picture. So goofy.🤪

I want y’all to know that at a time in my life, I was very concerned with representation and identity and trying to do representation the best way possible and get everyone in, but now in my life my characters are written as they are. Their identities are as they are and they’re important.

I am aware none of y’all asked for this post, but it’s literally been a thing stuck in my head for hours on hours and days on days.

How do I acknowledge my characters for how they are? I understand that people could be offended and will be offended, but how do I write and explain these characters in a way that isn’t preachy, strange, or awkward?

I’m not going to write a list saying all my LGBT characters or explain the fantasy human races because firstly, that’s a lot of work, and secondly I don’t think that’s necessary. You’ll see more interaction posts with characters and maybe I’ll feel comfortable enough to write about them.

I’m not shy at all, but I get nervous and frustrated and I’m still trying to get rid of my SM personality and people pleasing tendencies. It’s like me getting uncomfortable writing in other languages because there’s usually an identity tied underneath it and personality and culture tied underneath that I feel like I’m impeding on. It’s ridiculous because so many people with different cultures and backgrounds write in English, but I still feel like a bad person doing it. For example, if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Spanish. I’m learning Spanish, and I feel like I’m impeding on Spanish speakers cultures and identities by writing stories and content in Spanish—even though I’m not writing about any ethnic groups or culture or anything. It goes into the other languages I’m trying to learn. (and this has nothing to do about cultural appropriation, I’m not whining about that.)

Anyway, I’ll see y’all! Thank you for listening.

Categories
about me rants

Comfort Zone

I have nothing to post because I started school. trigger warning: rant and self hatred

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about me artwork original character original content rants

Ideas for stylization

As you know, I’m practicing on stylizing and I spoke about the frustrations of styling characters and leaving out features to make the drawing process faster. I did basically a sequential outline on how I want the characters to move or whatever it’s a struggle still, but less of a struggle. The characters here are in their late twenties but you wouldn’t know that because it’s hard to discern their age (I mean, I struggle with that in general) and give them a defining quality. Some people know how to make eyes look so beautiful and uniquely drawn with beautiful expressions. I can give expressions but the eyes are kinda not giving.

Anyway, the drawing inconsistencies are laziness and impatience. It was truly a headache to draw it this way, but it wasn’t terrible.

On the image above, there are two characters—Neloni/Damijo and Sadorno/Madenna. They’re getting married. This scene is before the wedding. If you can’t read my handwriting, let me know. Anyway, they’re a hot mess. I wanted to capture their typical expressions and how the characters move. Damijo fidgets and rocks a lot when he moves and is known to pace and not stand still. Sadorno is a very internal person and her movements are more stiff but dramatic—especially when she’s in her angry or guilt tripping mode. She’s swift and sharp.

Sadorno/Madenna
Neloni/Damijo
Here are the characters with more details on their faces. Sorry the picture of Neloni isn’t colored, I cannot establish a skin tone for him. He’s darker than Sadorno but not as dark as his child Nashali or even as dark as Noshili.

I’ll show you further why it’s difficult for me to simplify characters—the point I made last time I post.

Noshili and Reqina (left to right)
Noshili
Clockwise: Noshili, Reqina/Nadoni, Damijo/Neloni
Look y’all…these are done on ok paper so I get ok results! Do not come for me! As well, I know my character’s faces change a lot…but I can’t help it! It’s one of the best and worst qualities of art. As well, I’m covering up a horribly done curly haired version of Noshili. Noshili and Nadoni have very curly four type hair. I’d post it on here, but I need to draw it better.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Categories
artwork rants

Study rant

Imitation is the highest form of flattery.

Mimesis of the artists either means you’re immortal or your livelihood is stolen.
in the Renaissance, a human God.
A master worthy of being worshipped as if he was more than,
A hero.

it doesn’t seem like some people care,
to wonder what makes art of the master’s beautiful.
Or even what makes it good to them.

Mimesis.
Your stuff is worth remixing,
Worth putting in an allegorical concepts…
Worth remixing and rematching.

Others don’t matter unless they have that.

Could anyone be a master?
Or was this destined by a god, deity, evil religious figure.
Why do people make Biblicalesque stories and documentaries
And people willingly watch them,
Feeling some kind of connection.

Why do masters feel fake?
As they never existed…
How can someone deny a god, but worship the essence of a man they don’t know and never will know
and imply a person into them?
Am I simply r———,
Or did I miss out on something else?

That I’m to study these artists,
That there’s an objective truth.
That I’m supposed to like these artists no questions asked.
That their skills, talents, and whatevers are actual objective truths,
instead of opinions from those who hold my soul and other’s souls captive.

I question myself…
Why do I care?
Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
I like posting my art on here because I don’t have to source. Completely irrelevant to the post, but it’s fine. I don’t care.
Categories
about me artwork rants

Learn the rules so you can break them!

I don’t want to go back.

but is it possible to go back
to the old things,
not the good things,
the bad?

and reimagine them
as the good they once were,
the happiness it gave,
the sadness it sheltered.

the bad art that was made…
can I clear my mind to remember what it once was?
it is reasonable to think it is bad because I was told to do better and it moved my heart, causing it to writhe…my eyes glew up with the idea this person wants to help me,
they know the bad,
they can help me.

But did they?
I can’t seem to draw a picture without hearing critiques, never bad, just mindfulness, but never enjoying the task anymore and wanting this perfection.

A teacher cannot teach me perfection,
it doesn’t exist.
Yet, it does. It exists as much as race, religion, government, gender, sex, control.
It has to exist…but I don’t like it.
My liking doesn’t matter,
there are important things.

I don’t exist as an individual, I never have.
everything but.

I am a product,
A statistic,
A follower,
A mistake, an Idiot.

Never something as my own.

My opinions only ruin people’s days, but rarely change them.
I have no influence.
I could disappear,
and the only thing that would be sad is that I’m dead or hurt,
but it doesn’t matter.
cry about the issue and not the person.

And when someone becomes my product,
my statistic, my follower, another mistake, and another idiot under me…

well, I’ll still be nothing.
Old art from three-four years ago. It feels like looking at a completely different person referencing a different thing and the only reason why it’s terrible because it isn’t abstract enough, realistic enough, finished enough, or enough in general.
Categories
artwork

Art

It’s very irritating sitting around and hearing people talk about traditional art like it’s some god send and digital and other forms of art are soulless and trash. Stop. I understand that’s it’s in good faith and you’re stating your connection and you are entitled to your opinion, but sometimes the things you do have repercussions. *Art* has been historically used as many different things, but in the society I’m in and most of Western society, it has been used as a status tool. Frequently, we don’t understand how a lot of art is private and many traditional art is highly expensive and hard to access. It has always been this way, museums weren’t created to show art until the 20th century… Mostly because art in western society isn’t for everyone.

There are art movements that catered towards people but those mostly were brainwash from the church (Renaissance art mostly is control art and highly religious until the 16th century in certain areas) or controlling devices for propaganda. Sure, you got newspaper articles or little advertisements, but you weren’t going to see fine art. Fine art is differentiated from commercial and decorative art by its psychological worth or how it represents all of society (which is stupid to me, but might be cool with you) or just an idea. It is usually very expensive due to the commissioner or the amount of effort put into it.

If there weren’t other forms of seeing art other than the physical reality, many people wouldn’t be artists—yet, people have a lot to talk about what is real art, good art, worthy and so on. It’s not helpful. Can you afford a $100 painting or a $25 print? What about a $1000 painting or a $25 print? Do you not respect an artist’s effort because they did something to you that revoked the soul and your idea of connection? Well, some people do and when it comes to plausibility, anything that sounds plausible could be true. If you tell someone the soul is lost a piece because it’s not in a style or medium you want, they could spread that idea all around the place. Nobody should say traditional art is passé as nobody should say digital art is robot garbage because people believe that and affect someone else. Ideas move and move. Ever consider where your ideas come from?

Yes, digital isn’t material, but a lot of things aren’t. Ideas aren’t material. Happiness isn’t material. The concept of the art object is not material.

I can’t remember if it was in a book or somewhere else, but my professor in a class said that a lot of artists hate studying criticism because a theory could invalidate them.

It’s interesting how many people complain about human nature and the cold, insensitiveness of the internet yet when they hear someone is showing emotions they get cynical and insensitive and tell them to stop feeling so sensitive. I’m sensitive. This whole post is a case of sensitivity. I’m mostly a traditional artist. I don’t do realism, I don’t do abstraction. I don’t have art that sells easily and is easily avoided and I don’t make art for galleries. I am an illustrator to an extent. However, it’s annoying that people don’t like other options and actually look down on them. I can understand lacking a connection; I’ve seen people not care about classical music or other things, but I will draw the line with disrespect.

I don’t care about AI. If I put effort into a piece, I would get upset if someone called it trash because I used what I had.

And oh, don’t get me started on the irritating debate on art styles.

Having opinion is fine, but dang. I have to sit in art classes forced to do realism and academia or no representative non objective abstraction because someone lucky had an opinion that to make a standard and add most people licked their balls and acted like what they said was king and everyone else could kick rocks.

Anyway, thank you for listening to my rant, here’s a picture.

There are two characters
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about me artwork original content

Random

I am feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed with particular unknowns in life and lack of communication:

When ideas meet stress,
They become silent.
Ideas float in the brain,
But they can never escape the mouth or the writing device.
There’s so many words one could know,
But when do they use them?
When was their word choice appropriate?
Was it used well?
It concerns some.

Do words mean anything?
Do you understand other personal languages when people talk?
Does one in a two-person relationship yield?
Does that one become main translator?
It’ll never be clear if one side ever got it.
Trying to tell features by using profiles. (Not fun when you’re rushing.
I realized a particular character couldn’t look a particular way because a character looks like this
Sketches

Anyways, I’ve been a bit stressed with my school work and other things so I haven’t posted even though I said I was.

Anyway, I’m practicing my skills so I’m thinking about writing a “little story.”

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about me artwork original content rants

Art:Depression::Hot Oil:Water

As you can tell, I’ve been slowing down with my content…I’ve been struggling. They say to be very consistent at what you do and it’ll pay off but that’s hard when I’m exhausted all the time. I try very hard to start and do a finished piece, but it’s not quick! It’s some weird assumption that all artists, unless they’re famous and popular can post a fully rendered masterpiece everyday and just do that every day.

However, I can’t. I can give y’all sketches…is that okay? They’ll be about my characters. I know I control my content, but I don’t want my content to be terrible.

Anywho, I probably will post sketches…maybe a sketch everyday. ☺️

This is Adelewe😂 I was practicing drawing their face. They tend to not express with their eyes even though that’s supposed to be their noticeable feature.
Based off a sculpture I saw online.
Cel Solios on the top and the bottom and random cultures
I really like giving people makeup like this. If you go on my Pinterest or research, it seems to be a global thing to have colorful face paint or color the face a color.
Same face syndrome but practice with hair
This is the after of a character w/ longer hair and a lip injection
Ideas for a celebrity!!!

Here’s some sketches I did while not posting stuff.

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about me rants

Random

So, I know I’ve been talking about paints and whatever, but I had to take a break. So, here I am. I struggle with consistency and I try to work on it but it’s a struggle everyday. I think I’m doing okay with this blog, but it’s stressing me out for bigger things like comics. I haven’t drawn my character’s bodies and poses as much as I want to and when I start, I get so anxious that I’m doing terrible or I’m not doing enough or my art is bad or I’m stupid and it’s going to look like garbage so I just research.

It’s hard too when I’m stuck in my head and I don’t know how to communicate what’s going on and things in my life tell me not to communicate. It actually is depressing. I hate to sit here and dump all my problems on y’all, but it’s just that I have nobody that I can just talk to that isn’t shoving advice or blaming me for something. I do want y’all to know I’m still doing my goals, I’m just a bit stressed. 😩

I am still trying to do better. I promise I am. I have one more character I’m going to choose to draw. ☺️ Still thinking of who they are. I’m also going to update the cultures. I’ll get too it. I’m also just still finding inspiration to draw out these characters.

Here’s some music I like! ☺️
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about me rants

Talking : ignore if you don’t like rants

I hate to give up, but I’m tired of feeling like I’m not being heard or anyone cares about my opinion so I just am going to try hard to not give it or really talk to people like that. I don’t think I’m smarter than them, I just feel like I’m rude and offensive.

I’m tired of always feeling like I’m weird. If I’m too bold I’m annoying but if I’m quiet I need to talk more. I don’t want to keep doing that. I think people need to just leave people alone. I was way happier not talking to anyone and contributing to conversations

Anyway, I didn’t have anything prepared and I missed a post day :/ so here we go!

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original content

Random story

Honestly, I’m struggling to draw well due to depression so I won’t be doing that. I will write randomly.

I sat on my bed, thinking of what happened. The same thoughts over and over; I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream. I looked to my left of my room—all my notebooks laid in a pile…there was so much potential inside of them, many great thoughts and ideas…however, it was nothing. Nothing at all. I looked to my right and saw my assignments that I’ve done that I hated.

Seeing these objects broke me into tears and anger. I pulled out an utility knife and slashed through the canvas until it was sliced to pieces. Small memories of what it was before, leaving only the wood. It was cathartic.

I went through my art supplies to find my glue.

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about me rants

Striving for perfection doesn’t help everyone

I feel like I’m a very permeable person—every single little comment could offend me, burn me out, affect me in the worst ways. I understand that you’re not supposed to show your weaknesses or say them or be transparent about it because people will hurt you but it’s exhausting being permeable because I don’t know if I’m going to break or I’m just going to get wounded from something and won’t grow.

I’m also a perfectionist that won’t do something if it’s not perfect and will sabotage their grades and embarrass themselves over failure. Some types of compliments like good, cute, alright, and nice will make me upset or even aggressive when it’s just a sweet compliment. Bad critique is true, good critique is false, compliments are lies. It’s terrible here!

Gif from The Simpsons
Another gif from The Simpsons
This is literally how I’ll react with some things that aren’t even that bad or a drawing because I’m a mess.

(I’m ONLY speaking for myself, but if these apply to you, great!)

I don’t like how that is, but somewhat it’s my nature and I have to work around it. One way is to stop striving for perfection. It’s completely unnecessary and stupid, also means reevaluating goals. A lot of my goals are a reflection of outside people’s ideas of success, worthiness, authority, and the perfect way to live and not only can I not live that way, but it’s actively hurting me. I feel like I’m getting dragged against concrete and scuffing my legs and refusing to stop.

This isn’t even taking the road less traveled, this is straight up figuring out what I actually want to do and developing the confidence to do that sort of thing. It’s exhausting hearing all these voices talking as if they know me and they’re not even nice about it either.

Some days I just want to quit art. It seems like it’s my “talent,” but it’s not. There’s nothing that I’m just good at and even if I was, people likely don’t want see it. I am not in the mood to sell my art, I shouldn’t be putting anything out for attention, and I should focus on my own control.

Anyone else a perfectionist or know anyone like that?

I’ve shared to y’all art that goes in the not what I want but okay area and I’m showing them here.

I know artists and bloggers say to only show your best side and only show your good art, but these are good art, just not completing the goal in my head or lack the line quality, distinguishable features, or essence of my character.