Tag: rant

Categories
rants

Another rant (short)

I just love how some people can stand others ranting and complaining and will listen to them for hours even if it’s sheer aggression and negativity yet, when I rant with slight passion, I really get ignored.

Allegedly older people get ignored with their rants, but I haven’t seen that happening with these people off the internet yet I get straight up ignored. What’s the point?! 😕 I’m tired of it and it’s like, why would I want to hear anything you have to say either.

Times like this really make me feel worthless and alone.

Advertisement
Categories
rants

Screw perfection

Being perfect or trying to be hasn’t really helped anyone. It’s a dumb concept and conveniently works with grind culture and other spaces I don’t want to be apart of.

I’m not perfect and I’m not sure if I even want to be anymore. It hasn’t helped me in the past and worked against my confidence. Some things just don’t work for me. I understand some people are okay with things in life and it makes them feel important and they’re amazing, but I’m not cool with a lot of things and they don’t improve my life.

I used to be so upset in school when I used to be called smart and intelligent but I still had to study and it seemed like other people did. I didn’t want to study. I didn’t even like the material! I didn’t enjoy school until I got into eleventh grade because it was more interesting then. I wanted to just be smart. I wanted everyone to keep calling me smart. I didn’t and still don’t feel smart, but I know now it’s just a meaningless label like being lazy, cool, stupid, or mature. I was called mature when I was younger because I didn’t talk, yet I cried every year at school and had some immature issue going on at home. I’m not mature. I still am not mature. I “think differently” than some people but I’m not mature nor am I special. In the classrooms that I’ve been, I’m not that well liked or even cared about. I was never put into special groups and when they’d tell me they like me, I knew they were lying. I didn’t even do my homework, I just talk a lot and want people to hear me.

Anywho, perfectionism was the reason why I didn’t do my homework. It was never advanced enough, never good enough, never worth showing, and if I did it, it was never going to be perfect. I use that annoying site Duolingo and frequently tell myself it’s okay to get less than a 100%. Nobody is watching me and the little characters still get happy when I get an 86% or less. Yet, I don’t feel smart enough. I didn’t try in school because trying and receiving failure was stressful.

I was never an A student. I never had amazing grades. I’ve always been average and always somehow got ok grades. I didn’t and still didn’t read a lot after I peaked at six. So I mean, my perfectionism is nonsensical, but it just so happens that it gets worse.

I can’t do that crap at college. Getting low grades literally make me feel dead inside and like I’m worthless, wasting my mom’s time and money, and I’d be better off dead. It literally is that bad. I hate school but I can’t drop out. I want to learn, but graduation is the only option. My life would be worthless and I’d be a bad person if I drop out. Do I think other people are that way if they drop out? No. Honestly, it’s so exhausting for me to be myself that I can only make comparisons with people in my spaces.

I am a lazy piece of crap. Some people who drop out have classically successful lives I can’t dream of having because they have drive and doesn’t matter if they were in school or not. They have something about them that makes them want to do something. I don’t. I don’t have that skill and I’m not even sure I care enough nor have faith to change it. I cannot see myself in the future really. I can make dreams and think of them but I don’t actually see them as reality nor care about things. I feel in the moment. I have ideas and plans I do in the moment, but when I make goals, sometimes they feel meaningless or not worth achieving.

And I constantly make goals. Regardless how elaborate they are to poorly planned, they don’t really work out as planned. They’re done halfway or are changed and some of those plans are okay. Majority don’t impact my life in an irreversible way, but they keep me average, forgettable, and boring.

It’s like the condescending thing a lot of older people say where there’s an idiot that’s in an obstacle course and instead of thinking of new ways to get over the brick wall, the idiot just keeps hitting the wall with a hammer and getting tired but nothing changes.

And what makes it worse is that I listen to people and their ideas of success—some that aren’t for me but I’m permeable and people can say stuff and I’ll consider it—and I never feel successful. I don’t care if I graduated high school. I don’t care if other people didn’t. I didn’t do things the way I wanted and didn’t graduate in the way that would make me smart or even competitive. I punish myself when my GPA drops. I didn’t in high school even though I should’ve.

I wanted to be those kids that studied for a long time and had no friends. I had no friends. I did the unthinkable and tried making internet friends and failed. If I could be a hermit closed off of the world or single souled (to only be happy/content) and successful, I wouldn’t have to think about my success.

That’s exactly why I just don’t like perfectionism. I don’t like being like that. I don’t like caring about people and doing what they want. I can’t help it. I can’t help wanting attention and appreciation. I just do.

Anyway, see you in a bit.☺️ I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Categories
artwork rants

The case of the [blank]

All these triumphant words 
Nothing
A metaphorical straw
Nothing
There’s something left
Nothing
A husk.

Where is your power
Nonexistent
And it makes you feel
Nonexistent
You can’t fix what is slapped as your fault
Nonexistent 
You should be ashamed.

And look at you,
Null
why do you think you deserve things?
Null
You’re not a human,
Null
You’re supposed to be dead.
I tried to draw a woman’s body.

Hey, y’all. I finished my art homework for the next part of the semester but overall, I just wonder what I’m going to do with this blog. I can’t keep taking breaks. I don’t think that’s right, but I’m exhausted with everything. I literally wake up and don’t feel like offering anything to the table and my characters are great but I just don’t feel like sharing them anymore. I’ve lost a lot of passion and drive. It’s like…what’s the point. It’s not even like it’s a story.

It’s just that it’s hard to make something. It’s not like this story is really that complex than any movie you’d see or book, yet, it’s just…exhausting to share to people. I hate to say some people don’t care, but I could just post my art on here with no captions or a long explanation and that’d matter more then if I littered my post with captions and effort.

It’s like how my professor ask why I did something and expect a small one word explanation or an artisty term and go on but when I give a story and my references, they zone out. It’s just…what’s the point?

If my intent is meaningless and everyone else’s are important, why do I need intent or write a long caption? What’s the point? What’s the point of just not doing painting of absolutely nothing or just a women looking at y’all, the viewers? Give your own intent.

Like this picture from infamous Artbreeder.

What is my purpose of making a blog or existing? What’s the point?

Categories
about me rants

I can’t bring myself to talk about the things I want to talk about

I’m not trying to say I don’t care anymore because that would be disingenuous, but I feel like half of my soul has been slurped out of my body and reminds out there leaving me a sad and partially empty and angry individual.

I hate whining because it seems like only a select group of people want to hear it, but dang. I hate this world. And not because it’s villainously bad or anything, it’s the bane of my existence. I cannot and I’m not sure will ever be able to stand people unless I’m sedated. And again, not just evil people that are easy to hate. I hate a lot of well-meaning people who are basking in their false senses of security while dumping every single living problem on everyone else. Not even worrying about their own lives or repercussions because they don’t have to.

I know I sound like a hypocrite. We are all a hypocrite to someone, but some people are so far up to social justice that they don’t do a single thing that is worthy or actually helps people. Same with these so called people that are allegedly the opposite that are PC killers or whatever. They’re not doing anything. Nothing has happened. Nobody has stopped the bad guy. At this point, is it even their goal to? Or to fight amongst another? Why are marginalized groups fighting for representation and yet, not getting a SINGLE DROP of glory. Ultimately, wanting and fighting for your freedom is destroying it.

People don’t want equality, they want to be happy. If you secretly have people a pill to save the world but be equal or a happy pill, I can assure you 77% would choose the happy pill.

Is this a bad thing?

No. Equality isn’t freedom. Human kind doesn’t want freedom. They want to be happy and happy all the time. They don’t care about others. As long as their happy and if they lost dimensions of their soul to be in Heaven, Nirvana, and other joyous places, they’d take it. Nobody cares about, you don’t care about others. I like to believe I do, but tons of well-meaning but self serving people have told me all humans are bad and only care about themselves no matter how many times I tried to argue that I just will go as they say. Their microcosm probably is Hell, itself.

Drawing is my life, but it’s not a need. I don’t breathe art. I’m not an artist. I do drawings and cartoons and some people call it art. I stopped, because frankly, the word meant something to me and it hindered my progress.

I don’t want to be an artist anymore.

Art, by definition, is one of the stupidest and strangest concepts to mankind and only exists to sell a collective universal that doesn’t exist. Kerry James Marshall’s Black art only resonates with me because we are both Black. I cannot relate to the pictures. I don’t have the lived experience. However, galleries and political pictures don’t care.

It’s easier for many people to lump people into groups because it’s convenient and they don’t have to think hard at all to where the point in their head is it has boobs and a skirt, big lips, big hips. It a female. Must reproduce. It got gray sweatpants on and has a beard and features of a male. It a male. Must reproduce. Groups are convenient and some people can’t live without them and have what is like an autistic meltdown when it’s change.

I don’t want someone invalidating my creation as an art object because it doesn’t follow some outdated idea of what it’s supposed to look like. Which brings me to my next point.

Everyone says study realism and anatomy and your art will improve.

TO WHAT?!

What is my artwork supposed to be looking like? I’ve had people share their expectations for me to get better and it tanked my self esteem and my little heart. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IMPROVING ON?!

Everyone says art is soooo subjective and you can do anything you want but then you read an article to improve your way and get dunked with so many (honestly worthless) opinions and if you’re silly and young like me, don’t take them with a grain of salt because everyone is saying that.

So, I learn anatomy and realism…and then break the rules I spent my whole time not having fun or enjoying and going back to cartoons I wanted to draw 300+ years ago…and I look to see that I actually wanted to draw that way even if the art style is bad to everyone…what now? Do I stop enjoying what I love because it’s not good enough?

No offense, but we need to stop telling kids to be themselves. You’re always going to be yourself. You cannot escape your body, your physiology, your mind. Let’s say you’re in a play as Hamlet.

There’s a script, but your choices to act and how to deliver are purely your own and are just as frustrating if you had whatever. Stop telling kids that.

Their enough is never enough and they’ll live with it and if they don’t, I’m sorry. I’m learning the sheer inconvenience and frustration being myself.

My art is not abstract enough to be marketable, my art is not realistic or impressive. My own family ignores my art objects and drawings unless I gaslight them or perform a whole ASPCA commercial for attention.

I don’t enjoy drawing more realistically but I know I have to.

Unless you have an interest that is marketable that everyone likes or you want the glory, you’re going to get ignored or be lucky and have a niche group of people like and want to pay for your interests.

Categories
about me artwork rants

Burn out

Mostly drawing or whatever
A flame was lit, 
it was lit with a match. 
Lit so it could keep the group warm. 
But it was short-lived.

The flame couldn’t keep the two warm, 
and since it couldn’t, the group froze. 
They didn’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know really what to say…I received the big ol burnout. Always at this time of the year for classes. I moved my art supplies closer to me so I can still do them, but the passion is dead.

Why?

Because I’m struggling drawing bodies. It doesn’t make me want to stop drawing, it just makes me sad and not want to draw. I don’t have a particular style I’m going for, nor am I going for realism, but they’re just not going how I want. I really want to draw bodies for my characters, but failing is stressing me out. Failing isn’t scary, but it’s disappointing.

As well, it feels so stupid to post time and time because I’m not sure if I’m posting anything of value. I literally cannot bring myself to elaborate more on my ocs. 😔 Not because they’re bad, but I’m an artist and I assume people want to see visual art and not blocks of text. Anytime it’s about a character there’s so much more interactions but I don’t want to keep blasting people with on and on character profiles and no interactions with characters or anything, but I don’t feel like I can draw enough and I bit out more than I can chew. My art style fluctuates in quality too often.

I literally (as I’m not figuratively, literally!) almost had a meltdown over this whole thing. This is out of my comfort zone. Drawing two people together and making them look like they’re apart of the same picture. I know I should do it more, but this picture is exhausting and I got Noje’s dorsal part incorrect. (Should be flipped—that’s my bad)

Both of them look stiff and stale. Feyondo is a pain for me to draw as well. Any time I draw him, I believe a little part of me dies. His design has to look like that though because! It cannot look any other way or that’s not him!

But I know I’m burned out because I’m hiding from doing anything. Even the stuff I love because it looks terrible to me.

However!

The good news with all this is that if you’re turned off by your art, it means you might be improving and gaining insight that you need to change something or study something else, but also take a break.☺️ I’m not going to take a physical break just yet, because I have assignments to do, but I will be taking a break.

I will be taking my disgust with the way I draw bodies and the stiffness of figures (which usually isn’t that much of a problem, I just kinda want them to not be too janky). As well as draw two or more people interacting with each other.😮‍💨😭

As well, don’t forget to stay hydrated!

Categories
about me artwork rants

Identity Politics and stress

The older I get and the more I get into political issues, the more frustrated I get and the more things bug me or don’t feel worth it to talk about. One of them is identity politics. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like they’re bad or anything, I just find them to be stressful and responses and anger from people are difficult to help or cope with. I don’t think anyone wants to purposely be offensive or make everyone uncomfortable, and for me…I don’t run on spite. At all.

I understand that I’m speaking US politics, so if you aren’t from the US, don’t worry. It’s just not your politics (but you may subscribe to them.)

So, what I mean is that some of my characters go under different brackets of LGBT and queer identities. Some are easier to explain and some aren’t. I don’t want to ever feel like I’m pushing the politics down people’s throats or forcing them to see something they don’t want to see…

The thing about identity, is that that’s the driving force of a lot of people’s personalities and nurture. For example, I’m a Black American. It doesn’t define my personality in a way that makes me act a particular way, but it adds nuances to my actions. For example, if you look at my characters and how they’re designed (I believe), you may be able to tell. You may not, oh well. It gives a big outlook on people’s artwork. I’m also in the B and T region in the LGBT, this affects my characters. Some of them are trans, some of them are cis. Some are straight, gay, bisexual, or some kind of nuance.

Another identity politic is neurodivergency and mental illness. This one is a lot more complex and controversial. Some of the characters go through various different traumatic experiences and events in their lives and some of them are just born different.

I needed a picture to post on here and don’t feel like posting new art. She is not in the LGBT at all, she’s just cute.😂 The closer up you see this picture, the more visible the erased pictures are. I also always managed to leave erasures on my sheet any time I take a picture. So goofy.🤪

I want y’all to know that at a time in my life, I was very concerned with representation and identity and trying to do representation the best way possible and get everyone in, but now in my life my characters are written as they are. Their identities are as they are and they’re important.

I am aware none of y’all asked for this post, but it’s literally been a thing stuck in my head for hours on hours and days on days.

How do I acknowledge my characters for how they are? I understand that people could be offended and will be offended, but how do I write and explain these characters in a way that isn’t preachy, strange, or awkward?

I’m not going to write a list saying all my LGBT characters or explain the fantasy human races because firstly, that’s a lot of work, and secondly I don’t think that’s necessary. You’ll see more interaction posts with characters and maybe I’ll feel comfortable enough to write about them.

I’m not shy at all, but I get nervous and frustrated and I’m still trying to get rid of my SM personality and people pleasing tendencies. It’s like me getting uncomfortable writing in other languages because there’s usually an identity tied underneath it and personality and culture tied underneath that I feel like I’m impeding on. It’s ridiculous because so many people with different cultures and backgrounds write in English, but I still feel like a bad person doing it. For example, if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Spanish. I’m learning Spanish, and I feel like I’m impeding on Spanish speakers cultures and identities by writing stories and content in Spanish—even though I’m not writing about any ethnic groups or culture or anything. It goes into the other languages I’m trying to learn. (and this has nothing to do about cultural appropriation, I’m not whining about that.)

Anyway, I’ll see y’all! Thank you for listening.

Categories
about me artwork rants

I’m absolutely exhausted

Other than nature coming after my body, being online gives me so much exhaustion and really makes me genuinely hate people or being online. The irritating thing about life is that it’s great to exist but other people are absolutely terrible.

Why do people like bringing more people here? Why?

Anyway, I’m tired of people saying there’s no jobs or AI is taking over. It’s exhausting. I hate being critically online but I feel I have nothing else. I’m tired of exhausting people and feeling bad about it later. I’m constantly told that I need particular things and need to do particular things for my life to have meaning and I can tell you, 100% that I feel like garbage. It’s probably just my sour personality. I’m the problem.

Personally I don’t care about showing my fails to people. This one was a straight fail with a good learning lesson. Laugh with me and not at me. It’s janky, y’all.
I drew this one late at night (an hour or so after the one on the sheet. Holding coloring pencils funnily are terrible for my hands.
I drew this in the morning. She could be ugly to people but in my opinion, her expression and look looks a bit stale (not her face)

I want to draw and color but it doesn’t bring joy and kind of makes me sad. It’s temporary, but it’s dragging my mood down.

How do you live in such a world
and don’t understand a soul?
Walking around aliens,
Yet that’s who you are.

You isolate yourself,
and choose not to understand people,
as if you’re entitled to their opinion.
You have no authority.

Stay in your place.

I drew this a while back, but I feel like this right now.

😒

Categories
about me rants

Comfort Zone

I have nothing to post because I started school. trigger warning: rant and self hatred

Categories
about me artwork original character original content rants

Ideas for stylization

As you know, I’m practicing on stylizing and I spoke about the frustrations of styling characters and leaving out features to make the drawing process faster. I did basically a sequential outline on how I want the characters to move or whatever it’s a struggle still, but less of a struggle. The characters here are in their late twenties but you wouldn’t know that because it’s hard to discern their age (I mean, I struggle with that in general) and give them a defining quality. Some people know how to make eyes look so beautiful and uniquely drawn with beautiful expressions. I can give expressions but the eyes are kinda not giving.

Anyway, the drawing inconsistencies are laziness and impatience. It was truly a headache to draw it this way, but it wasn’t terrible.

On the image above, there are two characters—Neloni/Damijo and Sadorno/Madenna. They’re getting married. This scene is before the wedding. If you can’t read my handwriting, let me know. Anyway, they’re a hot mess. I wanted to capture their typical expressions and how the characters move. Damijo fidgets and rocks a lot when he moves and is known to pace and not stand still. Sadorno is a very internal person and her movements are more stiff but dramatic—especially when she’s in her angry or guilt tripping mode. She’s swift and sharp.

Sadorno/Madenna
Neloni/Damijo
Here are the characters with more details on their faces. Sorry the picture of Neloni isn’t colored, I cannot establish a skin tone for him. He’s darker than Sadorno but not as dark as his child Nashali or even as dark as Noshili.

I’ll show you further why it’s difficult for me to simplify characters—the point I made last time I post.

Noshili and Reqina (left to right)
Noshili
Clockwise: Noshili, Reqina/Nadoni, Damijo/Neloni
Look y’all…these are done on ok paper so I get ok results! Do not come for me! As well, I know my character’s faces change a lot…but I can’t help it! It’s one of the best and worst qualities of art. As well, I’m covering up a horribly done curly haired version of Noshili. Noshili and Nadoni have very curly four type hair. I’d post it on here, but I need to draw it better.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Categories
about me rants

The Deluge

Was _____ furious at us? of our fear
Of being alive, here, at this moment?

The waters, murky and unclean like our
Morals we pride ourselves and claim of ____ 

O _____, I hope the tears of yours aren’t 
Frustration—the deluge you make, I hope,
Cleanses the world internally and out
And isn’t against us or for anyone.

I haven’t drawn anything. Sorry.

Status Quo 

The comfort of nothing,
The comfort of all.
The comfort is limiting,
The comfort is comforting,
Therefore it must stay,
And none will think of the affects.
One day we will get comfort,
What all may think,
But that comfort is hurting,
It is comfortable.

I’m so angry at everyone all the time and I feel so angry it’s exhausting. Angry.

Opposites don’t attract,
At least not classic ones.
Some things aren’t opposites,
just different.

Nothing changes and when it does, something gets worse, making it hard to notice that there’s change. I’m here to fester like mold while people pretend to be happy on this rock. My brain is empty, but full, I’m angry and hungry. There’s no escape from seething and marinating from misery and when I say my thoughts to let out internal toxicity, my thoughts cause yelling and anger. I am angry a lot. I believe I’m helping.

But I frustrate those around me and they see me as a whiny brat instead of anything worth helping with unhelpful generic advice I’ve done. I know I don’t have traits people usually like and want to be around, I’m not here to be a side character. I don’t want to apologize for my world view or feel bad that I want to talk and contribute and help. People can treat you as a true burden and an outsider for the most generic of beliefs.

I hate feeling guilt or ashamed. I hate being ignored. The only way I would be better if I was attractive, loud or fun, and had stuff to offer to mainstream groups of people, but I don’t so

Categories
about me artwork rants

WordPress is getting on my nerves

I’m sorry if it seems like I’m replying late or accidentally ignored your comments. I literally cannot see some of them unless I look for them because they get buried deep in the comments thing and I don’t get a notification. 😞

It actually made me frustrated because I didn’t want this to be my New Years post, but it is what it is!

Here’s some swatches I’ve been working on. Ultramarine Blue (PB29) is such a basic color but it’s so meaningful to me. The granulation is always so breathtaking on it. It’s a shame that Phthalo green is mildly toxic and has copper because it’s so cute. PG7 and PG36 are so beautiful to me because of their vibrancy and saturation. The saturation always makes my heart melt but I agree with others…they’re TERRIBLE to mull and they’re like grape juice on a carpet when it comes to staining.

Okay, since this is random, I’m just going to ramble and gush.

So, recently I tried Rose Madder (NR9) and fell in love with it. I tend to make notebook art and sketchbook art so it doesn’t stress me out, but that is one beautiful color! I want to try Michael Harding’s watercolor version instead of Winsor and Newton, but I don’t have Michael Harding money so I’ll probably just try Etsy in the future. Alizarin Crimson PR83, isn’t the same to me though I like it.

I’ve also gotten into desaturated colors like PG23 (Green Earth) and PG17 (Chrome Green Oxide). My heart goes out to both of them because they can be very similar but PG23 is low tinting, weak, and transparent and PG17 is the opposite! I just really like looking at those colors. I don’t know how either could just sit in my palette, but they are and I will find a way to include them.

I really like PV15 (Ultramarine Violet) and PV16 (Manganese Violet) . Since I just started getting into diverse color shades, I have been trying to find different colors and those stuck out to me. They are some of my favorite colors because I love purple, and I love granulating colors and they are extreme granulating colors. PV62 from Schminke is granulating and Violet, but it’s more of a huge let down because it’s hard to rewet and kind of just doesn’t look good by itself. I hate to buy convenience colors, but in the future, I will ONLY use PV62 in convenience mixtures. I think that I’m going to be looking for something that looks similar to PV15 and PV16 that isn’t granulating. I think PR88 (Thioindigo Violet) is okay. (I want to show y’all the color, but I don’t understand how I got this paint because it’s extinct and nearly impossible to buy…I honestly am shocked but amused.) If anyone has any suggestions that aren’t PV19 or PR122, I’ll give it a listen.

Colors that I always will like no matter what are PR259, PR179 (Perylene Maroon🤤😮‍💨), and PR101 (Red Iron Oxide). PR259, or Ultramarine Pink is a pretty, desaturated pink color. Bright compared to other colors but earthy. PR259 is so similar to PR233 but is higher tinting and doesn’t look serious.

So, here’s a color wheel I painted when making a palette. Counterclockwise is PR259 (Ultramarine Pink), PR108 (Cadmium Red Light), PO67 (Pyrazoloquinazolone Orange), PY35 (Cadmium Yellow Deep), PY129 (Green Gold), PG26 (Cobalt Green Deep), PB32 (Smalt?), PV14 (cobalt violet) PV16 (Manganese Violet), PV15 (Ultramarine Violet), and PV29 (Perylene Violet).

I’ll see y’all later.

Categories
artwork rants

Study rant

Imitation is the highest form of flattery.

Mimesis of the artists either means you’re immortal or your livelihood is stolen.
in the Renaissance, a human God.
A master worthy of being worshipped as if he was more than,
A hero.

it doesn’t seem like some people care,
to wonder what makes art of the master’s beautiful.
Or even what makes it good to them.

Mimesis.
Your stuff is worth remixing,
Worth putting in an allegorical concepts…
Worth remixing and rematching.

Others don’t matter unless they have that.

Could anyone be a master?
Or was this destined by a god, deity, evil religious figure.
Why do people make Biblicalesque stories and documentaries
And people willingly watch them,
Feeling some kind of connection.

Why do masters feel fake?
As they never existed…
How can someone deny a god, but worship the essence of a man they don’t know and never will know
and imply a person into them?
Am I simply r———,
Or did I miss out on something else?

That I’m to study these artists,
That there’s an objective truth.
That I’m supposed to like these artists no questions asked.
That their skills, talents, and whatevers are actual objective truths,
instead of opinions from those who hold my soul and other’s souls captive.

I question myself…
Why do I care?
Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
I like posting my art on here because I don’t have to source. Completely irrelevant to the post, but it’s fine. I don’t care.
Categories
about me artwork rants

Learn the rules so you can break them!

I don’t want to go back.

but is it possible to go back
to the old things,
not the good things,
the bad?

and reimagine them
as the good they once were,
the happiness it gave,
the sadness it sheltered.

the bad art that was made…
can I clear my mind to remember what it once was?
it is reasonable to think it is bad because I was told to do better and it moved my heart, causing it to writhe…my eyes glew up with the idea this person wants to help me,
they know the bad,
they can help me.

But did they?
I can’t seem to draw a picture without hearing critiques, never bad, just mindfulness, but never enjoying the task anymore and wanting this perfection.

A teacher cannot teach me perfection,
it doesn’t exist.
Yet, it does. It exists as much as race, religion, government, gender, sex, control.
It has to exist…but I don’t like it.
My liking doesn’t matter,
there are important things.

I don’t exist as an individual, I never have.
everything but.

I am a product,
A statistic,
A follower,
A mistake, an Idiot.

Never something as my own.

My opinions only ruin people’s days, but rarely change them.
I have no influence.
I could disappear,
and the only thing that would be sad is that I’m dead or hurt,
but it doesn’t matter.
cry about the issue and not the person.

And when someone becomes my product,
my statistic, my follower, another mistake, and another idiot under me…

well, I’ll still be nothing.
Old art from three-four years ago. It feels like looking at a completely different person referencing a different thing and the only reason why it’s terrible because it isn’t abstract enough, realistic enough, finished enough, or enough in general.
Categories
artwork rants

Dreams

I wonder when I dream about someone
if that someone sees me in their dream,
what’s the point of doing all that dreaming,
if it leads to me thinking and remembering
those I vowed to forget in my reality.

I question my mind.
it is a privilege to remember,
but when I want to forget,
it all comes back nicely wrapped in a dream.

Never important things,
homework,
medication,
basic self care…

Just faces, 
bodies, 
of people who never seem to care about me or remember me.

I just find that upsetting.

It would make sense to leave a writer’s/author’s note. I’ve been looking at some people’s accounts and they do it, but I didn’t know if it was worth it. Is it worth it?

I know it doesn’t look like Lisa Gherardini («Monna Lisa») but it’s her in profile with some interesting clothes on drawn for something else entirely
I cut open some watercolors so I wouldn’t waste them. It was annoyingly messy but here is the result. Color harmony is cool, I guess.
Here’s some sketches/watercolor doodles
Categories
artwork rants

Exhausted

I hate to abandon my account because I’m psychologically exhausted, but I’m exhausted. It’s very tiring to read on here and respond but also post and when I don’t post, I feel guilty about not being successful.

Colored sketch to help me learn how to color figures with limited palettes

I hate how on social media you just get ignored easily if you don’t post anything but if you do you still get ignored. I don’t want to be on social media all day, I want to be successful in general…but I’m not cut out for it at this moment. It’s just tiring and I get even more tired or try to focus on things that are easier and make me happy but dang.😐 There’s not much.

Categories
artwork rants

Realism rant (bc I can)

I gotta give y’all a heads up. I am a college student that’s getting an visual arts bachelor’s degree. This is an OPINION, not a research article/journal. If I can find “proof,” great. Otherwise, you can just enjoy the writing if it means anything to you.

So, I stumbled upon this argument online.

I can’t say I disagree with most of the points, as I feel neutral about it. But one thing that stuck out to me was the part about having to study realism to have good art?

Tell me y’all, what’s your idea of realism? You probably won’t be wrong, but I’m sure we all will have different opinions on it.

So, what is realism?

Well, realism is when a picture represents reality. It’s simple.

That leads to when a picture is realistic. Commonly when one thinks of realism, they see hyper realism, photo realism, Baroque art, renaissance art, Leonardo da Vinci! Yes, those are realistic, but those aren’t necessarily the same type. In a contemporary art class, I learned the word mimesis—the deliberate copying of the real world. It was a very interesting concept to me because it was never my intention to copy anyone’s art completely. Mimesis, in the book/article we read in class was used to describe copying a picture exactly. The author claims that it is impossible to copy nature exactly and what we are really doing is denotation—which is the literal representation—but that doesn’t mean that we are replicating reality, but in fact, representing it. (This is taken from Reality Remade by Nelson Goodman)

I’ll use a common denotation.

Categories
artwork

Art

It’s very irritating sitting around and hearing people talk about traditional art like it’s some god send and digital and other forms of art are soulless and trash. Stop. I understand that’s it’s in good faith and you’re stating your connection and you are entitled to your opinion, but sometimes the things you do have repercussions. *Art* has been historically used as many different things, but in the society I’m in and most of Western society, it has been used as a status tool. Frequently, we don’t understand how a lot of art is private and many traditional art is highly expensive and hard to access. It has always been this way, museums weren’t created to show art until the 20th century… Mostly because art in western society isn’t for everyone.

There are art movements that catered towards people but those mostly were brainwash from the church (Renaissance art mostly is control art and highly religious until the 16th century in certain areas) or controlling devices for propaganda. Sure, you got newspaper articles or little advertisements, but you weren’t going to see fine art. Fine art is differentiated from commercial and decorative art by its psychological worth or how it represents all of society (which is stupid to me, but might be cool with you) or just an idea. It is usually very expensive due to the commissioner or the amount of effort put into it.

If there weren’t other forms of seeing art other than the physical reality, many people wouldn’t be artists—yet, people have a lot to talk about what is real art, good art, worthy and so on. It’s not helpful. Can you afford a $100 painting or a $25 print? What about a $1000 painting or a $25 print? Do you not respect an artist’s effort because they did something to you that revoked the soul and your idea of connection? Well, some people do and when it comes to plausibility, anything that sounds plausible could be true. If you tell someone the soul is lost a piece because it’s not in a style or medium you want, they could spread that idea all around the place. Nobody should say traditional art is passé as nobody should say digital art is robot garbage because people believe that and affect someone else. Ideas move and move. Ever consider where your ideas come from?

Yes, digital isn’t material, but a lot of things aren’t. Ideas aren’t material. Happiness isn’t material. The concept of the art object is not material.

I can’t remember if it was in a book or somewhere else, but my professor in a class said that a lot of artists hate studying criticism because a theory could invalidate them.

It’s interesting how many people complain about human nature and the cold, insensitiveness of the internet yet when they hear someone is showing emotions they get cynical and insensitive and tell them to stop feeling so sensitive. I’m sensitive. This whole post is a case of sensitivity. I’m mostly a traditional artist. I don’t do realism, I don’t do abstraction. I don’t have art that sells easily and is easily avoided and I don’t make art for galleries. I am an illustrator to an extent. However, it’s annoying that people don’t like other options and actually look down on them. I can understand lacking a connection; I’ve seen people not care about classical music or other things, but I will draw the line with disrespect.

I don’t care about AI. If I put effort into a piece, I would get upset if someone called it trash because I used what I had.

And oh, don’t get me started on the irritating debate on art styles.

Having opinion is fine, but dang. I have to sit in art classes forced to do realism and academia or no representative non objective abstraction because someone lucky had an opinion that to make a standard and add most people licked their balls and acted like what they said was king and everyone else could kick rocks.

Anyway, thank you for listening to my rant, here’s a picture.

There are two characters
Categories
about me artwork original content rants

Art:Depression::Hot Oil:Water

As you can tell, I’ve been slowing down with my content…I’ve been struggling. They say to be very consistent at what you do and it’ll pay off but that’s hard when I’m exhausted all the time. I try very hard to start and do a finished piece, but it’s not quick! It’s some weird assumption that all artists, unless they’re famous and popular can post a fully rendered masterpiece everyday and just do that every day.

However, I can’t. I can give y’all sketches…is that okay? They’ll be about my characters. I know I control my content, but I don’t want my content to be terrible.

Anywho, I probably will post sketches…maybe a sketch everyday. ☺️

This is Adelewe😂 I was practicing drawing their face. They tend to not express with their eyes even though that’s supposed to be their noticeable feature.
Based off a sculpture I saw online.
Cel Solios on the top and the bottom and random cultures
I really like giving people makeup like this. If you go on my Pinterest or research, it seems to be a global thing to have colorful face paint or color the face a color.
Same face syndrome but practice with hair
This is the after of a character w/ longer hair and a lip injection
Ideas for a celebrity!!!

Here’s some sketches I did while not posting stuff.

Categories
about me rants

Random

So, I know I’ve been talking about paints and whatever, but I had to take a break. So, here I am. I struggle with consistency and I try to work on it but it’s a struggle everyday. I think I’m doing okay with this blog, but it’s stressing me out for bigger things like comics. I haven’t drawn my character’s bodies and poses as much as I want to and when I start, I get so anxious that I’m doing terrible or I’m not doing enough or my art is bad or I’m stupid and it’s going to look like garbage so I just research.

It’s hard too when I’m stuck in my head and I don’t know how to communicate what’s going on and things in my life tell me not to communicate. It actually is depressing. I hate to sit here and dump all my problems on y’all, but it’s just that I have nobody that I can just talk to that isn’t shoving advice or blaming me for something. I do want y’all to know I’m still doing my goals, I’m just a bit stressed. 😩

I am still trying to do better. I promise I am. I have one more character I’m going to choose to draw. ☺️ Still thinking of who they are. I’m also going to update the cultures. I’ll get too it. I’m also just still finding inspiration to draw out these characters.

Here’s some music I like! ☺️
Categories
about me rants

Talking : ignore if you don’t like rants

I hate to give up, but I’m tired of feeling like I’m not being heard or anyone cares about my opinion so I just am going to try hard to not give it or really talk to people like that. I don’t think I’m smarter than them, I just feel like I’m rude and offensive.

I’m tired of always feeling like I’m weird. If I’m too bold I’m annoying but if I’m quiet I need to talk more. I don’t want to keep doing that. I think people need to just leave people alone. I was way happier not talking to anyone and contributing to conversations

Anyway, I didn’t have anything prepared and I missed a post day :/ so here we go!