Tag: perfectionist

Categories
rants

Screw perfection

Being perfect or trying to be hasn’t really helped anyone. It’s a dumb concept and conveniently works with grind culture and other spaces I don’t want to be apart of.

I’m not perfect and I’m not sure if I even want to be anymore. It hasn’t helped me in the past and worked against my confidence. Some things just don’t work for me. I understand some people are okay with things in life and it makes them feel important and they’re amazing, but I’m not cool with a lot of things and they don’t improve my life.

I used to be so upset in school when I used to be called smart and intelligent but I still had to study and it seemed like other people did. I didn’t want to study. I didn’t even like the material! I didn’t enjoy school until I got into eleventh grade because it was more interesting then. I wanted to just be smart. I wanted everyone to keep calling me smart. I didn’t and still don’t feel smart, but I know now it’s just a meaningless label like being lazy, cool, stupid, or mature. I was called mature when I was younger because I didn’t talk, yet I cried every year at school and had some immature issue going on at home. I’m not mature. I still am not mature. I “think differently” than some people but I’m not mature nor am I special. In the classrooms that I’ve been, I’m not that well liked or even cared about. I was never put into special groups and when they’d tell me they like me, I knew they were lying. I didn’t even do my homework, I just talk a lot and want people to hear me.

Anywho, perfectionism was the reason why I didn’t do my homework. It was never advanced enough, never good enough, never worth showing, and if I did it, it was never going to be perfect. I use that annoying site Duolingo and frequently tell myself it’s okay to get less than a 100%. Nobody is watching me and the little characters still get happy when I get an 86% or less. Yet, I don’t feel smart enough. I didn’t try in school because trying and receiving failure was stressful.

I was never an A student. I never had amazing grades. I’ve always been average and always somehow got ok grades. I didn’t and still didn’t read a lot after I peaked at six. So I mean, my perfectionism is nonsensical, but it just so happens that it gets worse.

I can’t do that crap at college. Getting low grades literally make me feel dead inside and like I’m worthless, wasting my mom’s time and money, and I’d be better off dead. It literally is that bad. I hate school but I can’t drop out. I want to learn, but graduation is the only option. My life would be worthless and I’d be a bad person if I drop out. Do I think other people are that way if they drop out? No. Honestly, it’s so exhausting for me to be myself that I can only make comparisons with people in my spaces.

I am a lazy piece of crap. Some people who drop out have classically successful lives I can’t dream of having because they have drive and doesn’t matter if they were in school or not. They have something about them that makes them want to do something. I don’t. I don’t have that skill and I’m not even sure I care enough nor have faith to change it. I cannot see myself in the future really. I can make dreams and think of them but I don’t actually see them as reality nor care about things. I feel in the moment. I have ideas and plans I do in the moment, but when I make goals, sometimes they feel meaningless or not worth achieving.

And I constantly make goals. Regardless how elaborate they are to poorly planned, they don’t really work out as planned. They’re done halfway or are changed and some of those plans are okay. Majority don’t impact my life in an irreversible way, but they keep me average, forgettable, and boring.

It’s like the condescending thing a lot of older people say where there’s an idiot that’s in an obstacle course and instead of thinking of new ways to get over the brick wall, the idiot just keeps hitting the wall with a hammer and getting tired but nothing changes.

And what makes it worse is that I listen to people and their ideas of success—some that aren’t for me but I’m permeable and people can say stuff and I’ll consider it—and I never feel successful. I don’t care if I graduated high school. I don’t care if other people didn’t. I didn’t do things the way I wanted and didn’t graduate in the way that would make me smart or even competitive. I punish myself when my GPA drops. I didn’t in high school even though I should’ve.

I wanted to be those kids that studied for a long time and had no friends. I had no friends. I did the unthinkable and tried making internet friends and failed. If I could be a hermit closed off of the world or single souled (to only be happy/content) and successful, I wouldn’t have to think about my success.

That’s exactly why I just don’t like perfectionism. I don’t like being like that. I don’t like caring about people and doing what they want. I can’t help it. I can’t help wanting attention and appreciation. I just do.

Anyway, see you in a bit.☺️ I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Advertisement
Categories
artwork Crafting paints

COLORS AND COLORS AND COLORS

Using a more vibrant and warm color palette to design Adis clothes

So, hello there! I got too nervous to draw backgrounds or redesign, so I did some color swatches and this bad boy. I designed some clothes.

Here’s the palette I made a long time ago and showed on this blog
The new palette I made. (like made from scratch. It is pigment and honey and/or honey medium!)
Here’s some more of those lovely swatches to show the variety.
It’s the palette again 😉

And I’m going to post my palettes again so you can see how they look. 😀

Here are the two palettes. Not everything on these palettes are made by me, but all of them have been used. My palettes look like they’re art by themselves haha.

I forgot to show all my little studies I did for color environment and I’m posting on my phone in a environment that doesn’t have my art around.

Anyway, I’ve been doing little sketches and paintings as well and have been struggling.

I was drawing Zhan in some fancy Adis clothes but got stressed out with his face and how I drew him that I didn’t finish.
Lupita drawn. I was drawing someone else but it looked like him so I changed it.😂
This is just a painting study for an underpainting to know what colors look like in surroundings
Finished product
I don’t have any blues on the last two. I used a paint from Daniel Smith named Kyanite Genuine. (It’s not that blue in the tube and actually looks like a sparkly blue-black or payne’s grey in the one I bought and allegedly it is kyanite rock…but I don’t know if it is or isn’t. It’s definitely not that granulating nor really does much. It’s just dull but I love sparky stuff though.)

So, I was a bit productive…but eh…but not really.

Have a nice day and stay hydrated and healthy! Talk to you later.☺️

Categories
artwork

In all seriousness

Okay, y’all. So, basically, I’m forcing myself out of my funk. As you know from my last blog post written in pure rage. 😬😓 (give me a break, I was reading about stuff to improve my art. Improvement has always been the soul crusher in my life)

I absolutely refuse to write long posts and pages about my concultures. I believe I’d rather like to split them up. It is tedious to write about every single character in a long post only for that post to never be looked at again even if I write about said characters. I have no idea if links work for people! So, I rather just split them up into informationals.

I am trying my hardest to communicate with you all the best way I can, but communication has never been my strong suit. Honesty is great too, but I’m trying to give relevant honesty and not honesty that gets on people’s nerves. I like to pretend I’m a good person, but I doubt I am.

I hate to post more than once per day, but it is what it is. I still have more to post and more to talk about.

Tatmtar’s sister
Vara
Tatmtar’s brother
Noje’s cousin by association (she’s not an in-law because legally her grandparents are not legally married, but they have a cultural relationship much like a marriage, but more so, a companionship.
Tatmtar’s maternal cousins that I will definitely redraw. They are legally Tatmtar’s cousins without a doubt. Their parents are legally married. (they’re like the strange hillbilly cousins from kid shows, except they’re wealthy and probably are just mildly autistic)
Noje’s older half-sister (she’s a clone of her father and a figure named Newe. I will elaborate later. When I redraw her or might draw out how she spawned. She was made in desperation and is very loved)
This is Tatmtar’s brother-in-law. He’s very strange but he’s a king or something. I have to worldbuild more to help his status. Sorry. His filler name is on there. Characters have filler names to represent where their culture is based on. As you can see, his name is Portuguese and he’s probably located in a state that is vaguely based on Portugal. (When I say vaguely, I mean it. All these characters and states are like that.🤷🏾)
Very outdated picture of Ankweda. It’s nothing wrong with it. The hair and the face are accurate, but if you look at this picture long enough, you can see that the shoulders are very skinny and narrow and the neck is too thin. He’s also supposed to be fatter than that. This is him though when he bleached and loced his hair.
This is Noje’s twin sister. Not the best drawing of her. They’re fraternal twins. All my characters look exactly the same but I still manage to make characters not look similar enough. She’s probably going to look more herself when I redraw her. She’s the complete opposite of Noje and likes completely different people and wears completely different clothes and has a completely different shape. Only thing that’s similar is the mirror image dorsal fin hair.
This character needs more broader shoulders (a little bit more, not too much. This is Tatmtar’s sibling through cultural marriage. They are in a cultural marriage with Tatmtar’s brother basically. They used to date Zhan when in school but they had a mildly bad breakup when Zhan didn’t want to marry them (😂). Anywho, they are not Adis (based on those clothes) but they like to wear clothes of their heritage.
Expect to see more interaction pictures of characters and redrawings of each and everyone. These characters are more around the main character’s ages and are in their paths and they stories and drama around them. I don’t want to make one overarching story, because I didn’t really like doing that with these characters. However, I do enjoy writing and it’ll always come to that in the future.

Drawing can be rewarding but it’s also something I hide from at times. Sometimes I hide from putting characters out here. I mean, they are as they are.

Anyway, it was nice talking to you. Happy End of February. See you. Make sure to get good rest and stay hydrated and healthy.

Categories
about me artwork rants

Burn out

Mostly drawing or whatever
A flame was lit, 
it was lit with a match. 
Lit so it could keep the group warm. 
But it was short-lived.

The flame couldn’t keep the two warm, 
and since it couldn’t, the group froze. 
They didn’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know really what to say…I received the big ol burnout. Always at this time of the year for classes. I moved my art supplies closer to me so I can still do them, but the passion is dead.

Why?

Because I’m struggling drawing bodies. It doesn’t make me want to stop drawing, it just makes me sad and not want to draw. I don’t have a particular style I’m going for, nor am I going for realism, but they’re just not going how I want. I really want to draw bodies for my characters, but failing is stressing me out. Failing isn’t scary, but it’s disappointing.

As well, it feels so stupid to post time and time because I’m not sure if I’m posting anything of value. I literally cannot bring myself to elaborate more on my ocs. 😔 Not because they’re bad, but I’m an artist and I assume people want to see visual art and not blocks of text. Anytime it’s about a character there’s so much more interactions but I don’t want to keep blasting people with on and on character profiles and no interactions with characters or anything, but I don’t feel like I can draw enough and I bit out more than I can chew. My art style fluctuates in quality too often.

I literally (as I’m not figuratively, literally!) almost had a meltdown over this whole thing. This is out of my comfort zone. Drawing two people together and making them look like they’re apart of the same picture. I know I should do it more, but this picture is exhausting and I got Noje’s dorsal part incorrect. (Should be flipped—that’s my bad)

Both of them look stiff and stale. Feyondo is a pain for me to draw as well. Any time I draw him, I believe a little part of me dies. His design has to look like that though because! It cannot look any other way or that’s not him!

But I know I’m burned out because I’m hiding from doing anything. Even the stuff I love because it looks terrible to me.

However!

The good news with all this is that if you’re turned off by your art, it means you might be improving and gaining insight that you need to change something or study something else, but also take a break.☺️ I’m not going to take a physical break just yet, because I have assignments to do, but I will be taking a break.

I will be taking my disgust with the way I draw bodies and the stiffness of figures (which usually isn’t that much of a problem, I just kinda want them to not be too janky). As well as draw two or more people interacting with each other.😮‍💨😭

As well, don’t forget to stay hydrated!

Categories
about me artwork rants

Identity Politics and stress

The older I get and the more I get into political issues, the more frustrated I get and the more things bug me or don’t feel worth it to talk about. One of them is identity politics. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like they’re bad or anything, I just find them to be stressful and responses and anger from people are difficult to help or cope with. I don’t think anyone wants to purposely be offensive or make everyone uncomfortable, and for me…I don’t run on spite. At all.

I understand that I’m speaking US politics, so if you aren’t from the US, don’t worry. It’s just not your politics (but you may subscribe to them.)

So, what I mean is that some of my characters go under different brackets of LGBT and queer identities. Some are easier to explain and some aren’t. I don’t want to ever feel like I’m pushing the politics down people’s throats or forcing them to see something they don’t want to see…

The thing about identity, is that that’s the driving force of a lot of people’s personalities and nurture. For example, I’m a Black American. It doesn’t define my personality in a way that makes me act a particular way, but it adds nuances to my actions. For example, if you look at my characters and how they’re designed (I believe), you may be able to tell. You may not, oh well. It gives a big outlook on people’s artwork. I’m also in the B and T region in the LGBT, this affects my characters. Some of them are trans, some of them are cis. Some are straight, gay, bisexual, or some kind of nuance.

Another identity politic is neurodivergency and mental illness. This one is a lot more complex and controversial. Some of the characters go through various different traumatic experiences and events in their lives and some of them are just born different.

I needed a picture to post on here and don’t feel like posting new art. She is not in the LGBT at all, she’s just cute.😂 The closer up you see this picture, the more visible the erased pictures are. I also always managed to leave erasures on my sheet any time I take a picture. So goofy.🤪

I want y’all to know that at a time in my life, I was very concerned with representation and identity and trying to do representation the best way possible and get everyone in, but now in my life my characters are written as they are. Their identities are as they are and they’re important.

I am aware none of y’all asked for this post, but it’s literally been a thing stuck in my head for hours on hours and days on days.

How do I acknowledge my characters for how they are? I understand that people could be offended and will be offended, but how do I write and explain these characters in a way that isn’t preachy, strange, or awkward?

I’m not going to write a list saying all my LGBT characters or explain the fantasy human races because firstly, that’s a lot of work, and secondly I don’t think that’s necessary. You’ll see more interaction posts with characters and maybe I’ll feel comfortable enough to write about them.

I’m not shy at all, but I get nervous and frustrated and I’m still trying to get rid of my SM personality and people pleasing tendencies. It’s like me getting uncomfortable writing in other languages because there’s usually an identity tied underneath it and personality and culture tied underneath that I feel like I’m impeding on. It’s ridiculous because so many people with different cultures and backgrounds write in English, but I still feel like a bad person doing it. For example, if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Spanish. I’m learning Spanish, and I feel like I’m impeding on Spanish speakers cultures and identities by writing stories and content in Spanish—even though I’m not writing about any ethnic groups or culture or anything. It goes into the other languages I’m trying to learn. (and this has nothing to do about cultural appropriation, I’m not whining about that.)

Anyway, I’ll see y’all! Thank you for listening.

Categories
about me rants

Comfort Zone

I have nothing to post because I started school. trigger warning: rant and self hatred

Categories
about me artwork original character original content

Fueling my excitement!

Hi!!!!

I’m so excited that school is starting back up again for me! I’ve made a palette and collected my ideas for my new projects. I will still take out my time to post on here.

Here’s my palette! It’s not a diverse or “useful” palette but its fun to paint with. I don’t like painting with things just because they’re useful and realistic. I like painting with stuff because it’s fun and interesting. Figuring out what is interesting and nice to me is what I prefer.

I also am still trying to figure out places to post a comic/sequential art without having to worry about it being digital only. I don’t know that many and I still have to figure out what is the best site.

I’m also really really excited for some new purchases and mixtures and hope they do well.

Sorry about my handwriting. Here’s Noshili and Atane meeting each other.

Anyway, I’m trying to find a convenient style for making comics. I get tired easily and when I plan stuff, I have to do it immediately or there’s a chance I won’t get to it after a while. So! I’m trying to simplify. The easier part is that it’s easy to make silhouettes and shapes with my characters, the difficult part is abstracting them and capturing their age.

A lot of my characters vaguely have very similar features and the things I’m taking away from them to abstract them are their defining features. For example, Noshili, and two characters Neloni and Nadoni. They have different lips but their eyes are exactly the same as they’re all related. They all have different postures and stances and different skin colors and hair but it would be very hard to capture that without seeing their whole face. I know it’s not gonna be that big of a deal, but I don’t want to get made fun of for same face syndrome!

As for other qualities, eh. I think they’ll be fine. I just have to work on gestures and showing emotions.

It’s not on watercolor paper but I am not a purist so I don’t care.

I’ve also been testing acrylics (not even appropriate ones—oops!) to try out with watercolors and they’re honestly the best. The thing is, they add a texture to the watercolors but when they’re thinned down and don’t have that nasty plastic flavor to it, they actually are able to have watercolors be painted on top. They aren’t resoluble though so while they can be lifted while wet, they’re not going to rewet and you can’t lift afterwards. It kinda solves my glazing problem to an extent. I want to do watercolor portraits that have vague qualities to old master paintings or have that energy but nothing is similar to it. These help a lot. I’ve also found a deep love for ultramarine. My heart and soul go to ultramarine (for now) and I love how it looks. If you know me, I used to hate royal blue and colors that look like it (not to anything that has to do with sports teams or anything, just hated it) but watercolors made me love it.

There are some colors that are perfect for being the main focus in paintings and that’s ultramarine blue and violet right now for some. As of now, I try to do focal points with colors that are important to each character. For example, Noje is a big fan of yellow so if I had her on a painting, that would be her focal point, but if I had Feyondo on there, his focal point would be blue.

The reason why I don’t elaborate sometimes on colors because they change and typically when it comes to some characters and their “soulmates” they always have complementary colors on the additive spectrum. However, with paints, that’s not additive and is more subtractive so these can change. I do not have an exact color for them, just a color family. It has something to do with their dreamstate/micosi /mɨ.kɔ.si/.

I am so excited to share more with y’all about more stuff!☺️ As well, my wattpad account is on my homepage. 🙂

Another study to see how much I can simplify. It was kinda difficult drawing these characters fast as possible but it wasn’t difficult to get their energy and movements as well as line qualities. The actual look is a little 😬. As well, this is Noshili and Atane again.
Categories
about me artwork rants

Learn the rules so you can break them!

I don’t want to go back.

but is it possible to go back
to the old things,
not the good things,
the bad?

and reimagine them
as the good they once were,
the happiness it gave,
the sadness it sheltered.

the bad art that was made…
can I clear my mind to remember what it once was?
it is reasonable to think it is bad because I was told to do better and it moved my heart, causing it to writhe…my eyes glew up with the idea this person wants to help me,
they know the bad,
they can help me.

But did they?
I can’t seem to draw a picture without hearing critiques, never bad, just mindfulness, but never enjoying the task anymore and wanting this perfection.

A teacher cannot teach me perfection,
it doesn’t exist.
Yet, it does. It exists as much as race, religion, government, gender, sex, control.
It has to exist…but I don’t like it.
My liking doesn’t matter,
there are important things.

I don’t exist as an individual, I never have.
everything but.

I am a product,
A statistic,
A follower,
A mistake, an Idiot.

Never something as my own.

My opinions only ruin people’s days, but rarely change them.
I have no influence.
I could disappear,
and the only thing that would be sad is that I’m dead or hurt,
but it doesn’t matter.
cry about the issue and not the person.

And when someone becomes my product,
my statistic, my follower, another mistake, and another idiot under me…

well, I’ll still be nothing.
Old art from three-four years ago. It feels like looking at a completely different person referencing a different thing and the only reason why it’s terrible because it isn’t abstract enough, realistic enough, finished enough, or enough in general.
Categories
artwork original character original content

Random

As the day goes on, sometimes it’s very hard to draw so I’ll just show y’all some old pictures.

.

These characters were likely made in 2012. That’s why the art looks like ugly anime art
I physically cannot explain this character without feeling pain so ☺️ no explanation
When I was younger, I wanted to be a songwriter and animator and animate songs I wrote. I still want to but this was one.
Somewhere in 2015(I believe) when I was into witchy clothing and strange anatomy that I thought looked realistic
To be honest, I don’t know who this is but his torso is too small
A character named Mary. I changed her role and design for other characters but she might come back, I just don’t know how to make her come back
Flurisha. As you can see.
Adelewe back when I used to draw them with a really thin nose.
Flurisha again looking dirty for some reason
I couldn’t draw babies. This is my art in 2018 or 2019. It’s a joke picture for the character Zan. He’s with his children that have the filler names Ines and Manuel. I’ve recently switched the ages.
I have her name somewhere. She’s supposed to be a goddess but she’s worthless as of now. Maybe I’ll use her for something else.
She’s supposed to be a goddess of season.
Goddess of light
Creator entity or like a demiurge.
I don’t know why I gave these characters such dainty bodies. This is Flurisha again. Noticing a pattern?
Adelewe and Flurisha (before I changed Flurisha to look different). It’s a joke picture.
Flurisha and Adelewe
😑 I plead the fifth.
A character Almyleladona. Made in 2018. I messed up her face and erased it.
Sketches in 2018
I never noticed how bad this was but it’s a character named Ambrosia and she’s designed to look old fashioned (like the 20s) but it didn’t work and it just looks really childish and bad. She’s also supposed to be from a different planet but was sent somewhere else where people are multicolored. She’s a singer. She’s singing a song here that I wrote for her. I have audio somewhere.
As you can tell, by the design of the character and features, that they don’t really … they’re missing a lot of stuff and they look strange.

I know that people can look anyway they want and can do anything they want, but this art looks very white even though some of the characters aren’t white. If not, majority of them are Black or some type of Black mixture, however, I’m not sure how much of that is transferable. As well, the anatomy is … very dreadful. I love the character qualities, but if I’m not sure why I drew the characters looking so tiny.

I took a class in college called figure drawing. I’m not sure if it actually helped my art or I learned on my own while using the stuff brought up in class. Couldn’t tell you. The class happened during the pandemic, but my art looks different now.

2018 Almyleladona. She’s based off of the Pict people.
An eastern African hair style, I cannot remember the culture or the area who did it.
A rushed picture of Noje to draw her body shape and design her painting (came out horrible!)
As you can see, it’s Noje. I was trying to see how I wanted her face to look. She’s much darker than this.
This is Natale/None. Originally Noje and None were supposed to male and female twins, but I changed it because I felt like it. I don’t know how to draw this face again but I love it.
I think this is a character with the filler name Dahlia. She is a Solie. I never drew her again.
Naahale with hair down and no jewelry
This Zan’s mom. She has the filler name Marcia. I have to upgrade her look but she looks like this.
A study for features m. Didn’t like it at the time but it clearly looks unfinished but I didn’t know that at the time.
Endive as a human from the 2008 show Chowder. I love the features I drew.
Practicing a style and rendering. I really like spiky hair and makeup like this but I can’t do it in real life.
A cute picture that looks blurry because I didn’t know and still don’t understand art principles and using references.
I don’t know who this is but I was practicing rendering with my new pencils but I didn’t know what I was doing.
Don’t know who this is but I was practicing.
Taldejan as an egg.
Nalati but poorly drawn.
The first attempt making Adelewe actually look not Caucasian. I don’t know why they look so childlike.
I don’t know who this is. Could be Mary.
Noje and earlier attempts with Adelewe. It’s very hard to draw characters with huge eyes.
I don’t have this character a name but she sings and like completely different now.
… Early picture of Noshili…
Don’t know but they’re very pretty
…I’ll fill you in. This is the ONLY picture where I drew Noje’s parents Nadine and Nedale. I have not attempted to draw these characters again. They don’t look like that at all when I drew them. At the time, Noje was supposed to be half human but I didn’t keep that. I struggle to draw men and masculine figures so I haven’t attempted it again.😀 As well, I struggled to draw characters from that and at the time really just like drawing Noje.

I really like drawing faces only, but some people don’t find that interesting so I have to keep on drawing over and over until I can get decent anatomy. It really sucks knowing that I draw a lot, but not often and not anything finished. I can cope.

Categories
about me artwork original content rants

Art:Depression::Hot Oil:Water

As you can tell, I’ve been slowing down with my content…I’ve been struggling. They say to be very consistent at what you do and it’ll pay off but that’s hard when I’m exhausted all the time. I try very hard to start and do a finished piece, but it’s not quick! It’s some weird assumption that all artists, unless they’re famous and popular can post a fully rendered masterpiece everyday and just do that every day.

However, I can’t. I can give y’all sketches…is that okay? They’ll be about my characters. I know I control my content, but I don’t want my content to be terrible.

Anywho, I probably will post sketches…maybe a sketch everyday. ☺️

This is Adelewe😂 I was practicing drawing their face. They tend to not express with their eyes even though that’s supposed to be their noticeable feature.
Based off a sculpture I saw online.
Cel Solios on the top and the bottom and random cultures
I really like giving people makeup like this. If you go on my Pinterest or research, it seems to be a global thing to have colorful face paint or color the face a color.
Same face syndrome but practice with hair
This is the after of a character w/ longer hair and a lip injection
Ideas for a celebrity!!!

Here’s some sketches I did while not posting stuff.

Categories
about me rants

Random

So, I know I’ve been talking about paints and whatever, but I had to take a break. So, here I am. I struggle with consistency and I try to work on it but it’s a struggle everyday. I think I’m doing okay with this blog, but it’s stressing me out for bigger things like comics. I haven’t drawn my character’s bodies and poses as much as I want to and when I start, I get so anxious that I’m doing terrible or I’m not doing enough or my art is bad or I’m stupid and it’s going to look like garbage so I just research.

It’s hard too when I’m stuck in my head and I don’t know how to communicate what’s going on and things in my life tell me not to communicate. It actually is depressing. I hate to sit here and dump all my problems on y’all, but it’s just that I have nobody that I can just talk to that isn’t shoving advice or blaming me for something. I do want y’all to know I’m still doing my goals, I’m just a bit stressed. 😩

I am still trying to do better. I promise I am. I have one more character I’m going to choose to draw. ☺️ Still thinking of who they are. I’m also going to update the cultures. I’ll get too it. I’m also just still finding inspiration to draw out these characters.

Here’s some music I like! ☺️
Categories
about me rants

Striving for perfection doesn’t help everyone

I feel like I’m a very permeable person—every single little comment could offend me, burn me out, affect me in the worst ways. I understand that you’re not supposed to show your weaknesses or say them or be transparent about it because people will hurt you but it’s exhausting being permeable because I don’t know if I’m going to break or I’m just going to get wounded from something and won’t grow.

I’m also a perfectionist that won’t do something if it’s not perfect and will sabotage their grades and embarrass themselves over failure. Some types of compliments like good, cute, alright, and nice will make me upset or even aggressive when it’s just a sweet compliment. Bad critique is true, good critique is false, compliments are lies. It’s terrible here!

Gif from The Simpsons
Another gif from The Simpsons
This is literally how I’ll react with some things that aren’t even that bad or a drawing because I’m a mess.

(I’m ONLY speaking for myself, but if these apply to you, great!)

I don’t like how that is, but somewhat it’s my nature and I have to work around it. One way is to stop striving for perfection. It’s completely unnecessary and stupid, also means reevaluating goals. A lot of my goals are a reflection of outside people’s ideas of success, worthiness, authority, and the perfect way to live and not only can I not live that way, but it’s actively hurting me. I feel like I’m getting dragged against concrete and scuffing my legs and refusing to stop.

This isn’t even taking the road less traveled, this is straight up figuring out what I actually want to do and developing the confidence to do that sort of thing. It’s exhausting hearing all these voices talking as if they know me and they’re not even nice about it either.

Some days I just want to quit art. It seems like it’s my “talent,” but it’s not. There’s nothing that I’m just good at and even if I was, people likely don’t want see it. I am not in the mood to sell my art, I shouldn’t be putting anything out for attention, and I should focus on my own control.

Anyone else a perfectionist or know anyone like that?

I’ve shared to y’all art that goes in the not what I want but okay area and I’m showing them here.

I know artists and bloggers say to only show your best side and only show your good art, but these are good art, just not completing the goal in my head or lack the line quality, distinguishable features, or essence of my character.