Tag: mental health

rants

Screw perfection

Being perfect or trying to be hasn’t really helped anyone. It’s a dumb concept and conveniently works with grind culture and other spaces I don’t want to be apart of.

I’m not perfect and I’m not sure if I even want to be anymore. It hasn’t helped me in the past and worked against my confidence. Some things just don’t work for me. I understand some people are okay with things in life and it makes them feel important and they’re amazing, but I’m not cool with a lot of things and they don’t improve my life.

I used to be so upset in school when I used to be called smart and intelligent but I still had to study and it seemed like other people did. I didn’t want to study. I didn’t even like the material! I didn’t enjoy school until I got into eleventh grade because it was more interesting then. I wanted to just be smart. I wanted everyone to keep calling me smart. I didn’t and still don’t feel smart, but I know now it’s just a meaningless label like being lazy, cool, stupid, or mature. I was called mature when I was younger because I didn’t talk, yet I cried every year at school and had some immature issue going on at home. I’m not mature. I still am not mature. I “think differently” than some people but I’m not mature nor am I special. In the classrooms that I’ve been, I’m not that well liked or even cared about. I was never put into special groups and when they’d tell me they like me, I knew they were lying. I didn’t even do my homework, I just talk a lot and want people to hear me.

Anywho, perfectionism was the reason why I didn’t do my homework. It was never advanced enough, never good enough, never worth showing, and if I did it, it was never going to be perfect. I use that annoying site Duolingo and frequently tell myself it’s okay to get less than a 100%. Nobody is watching me and the little characters still get happy when I get an 86% or less. Yet, I don’t feel smart enough. I didn’t try in school because trying and receiving failure was stressful.

I was never an A student. I never had amazing grades. I’ve always been average and always somehow got ok grades. I didn’t and still didn’t read a lot after I peaked at six. So I mean, my perfectionism is nonsensical, but it just so happens that it gets worse.

I can’t do that crap at college. Getting low grades literally make me feel dead inside and like I’m worthless, wasting my mom’s time and money, and I’d be better off dead. It literally is that bad. I hate school but I can’t drop out. I want to learn, but graduation is the only option. My life would be worthless and I’d be a bad person if I drop out. Do I think other people are that way if they drop out? No. Honestly, it’s so exhausting for me to be myself that I can only make comparisons with people in my spaces.

I am a lazy piece of crap. Some people who drop out have classically successful lives I can’t dream of having because they have drive and doesn’t matter if they were in school or not. They have something about them that makes them want to do something. I don’t. I don’t have that skill and I’m not even sure I care enough nor have faith to change it. I cannot see myself in the future really. I can make dreams and think of them but I don’t actually see them as reality nor care about things. I feel in the moment. I have ideas and plans I do in the moment, but when I make goals, sometimes they feel meaningless or not worth achieving.

And I constantly make goals. Regardless how elaborate they are to poorly planned, they don’t really work out as planned. They’re done halfway or are changed and some of those plans are okay. Majority don’t impact my life in an irreversible way, but they keep me average, forgettable, and boring.

It’s like the condescending thing a lot of older people say where there’s an idiot that’s in an obstacle course and instead of thinking of new ways to get over the brick wall, the idiot just keeps hitting the wall with a hammer and getting tired but nothing changes.

And what makes it worse is that I listen to people and their ideas of success—some that aren’t for me but I’m permeable and people can say stuff and I’ll consider it—and I never feel successful. I don’t care if I graduated high school. I don’t care if other people didn’t. I didn’t do things the way I wanted and didn’t graduate in the way that would make me smart or even competitive. I punish myself when my GPA drops. I didn’t in high school even though I should’ve.

I wanted to be those kids that studied for a long time and had no friends. I had no friends. I did the unthinkable and tried making internet friends and failed. If I could be a hermit closed off of the world or single souled (to only be happy/content) and successful, I wouldn’t have to think about my success.

That’s exactly why I just don’t like perfectionism. I don’t like being like that. I don’t like caring about people and doing what they want. I can’t help it. I can’t help wanting attention and appreciation. I just do.

Anyway, see you in a bit.☺️ I just wanted to get it off my chest.

Tags anger, anxiety, depression, frustration, introspection, mental health, perfectionism, perfectionist, rant, stress, unhealthy and unhelpful

artwork rants

The case of the [blank]

All these triumphant words 
Nothing
A metaphorical straw
Nothing
There’s something left
Nothing
A husk.

Where is your power
Nonexistent
And it makes you feel
Nonexistent
You can’t fix what is slapped as your fault
Nonexistent 
You should be ashamed.

And look at you,
Null
why do you think you deserve things?
Null
You’re not a human,
Null
You’re supposed to be dead.

Hey, y’all. I finished my art homework for the next part of the semester but overall, I just wonder what I’m going to do with this blog. I can’t keep taking breaks. I don’t think that’s right, but I’m exhausted with everything. I literally wake up and don’t feel like offering anything to the table and my characters are great but I just don’t feel like sharing them anymore. I’ve lost a lot of passion and drive. It’s like…what’s the point. It’s not even like it’s a story.

It’s just that it’s hard to make something. It’s not like this story is really that complex than any movie you’d see or book, yet, it’s just…exhausting to share to people. I hate to say some people don’t care, but I could just post my art on here with no captions or a long explanation and that’d matter more then if I littered my post with captions and effort.

It’s like how my professor ask why I did something and expect a small one word explanation or an artisty term and go on but when I give a story and my references, they zone out. It’s just…what’s the point?

If my intent is meaningless and everyone else’s are important, why do I need intent or write a long caption? What’s the point? What’s the point of just not doing painting of absolutely nothing or just a women looking at y’all, the viewers? Give your own intent.

Like this picture from infamous Artbreeder.

What is my purpose of making a blog or existing? What’s the point?

Tags about me, art, art rant, mental health, rant, stress

about me rants

I can’t bring myself to talk about the things I want to talk about

Post author By Feets
Post date 27/02/2023
13 Comments on I can’t bring myself to talk about the things I want to talk about

I’m not trying to say I don’t care anymore because that would be disingenuous, but I feel like half of my soul has been slurped out of my body and reminds out there leaving me a sad and partially empty and angry individual.

I hate whining because it seems like only a select group of people want to hear it, but dang. I hate this world. And not because it’s villainously bad or anything, it’s the bane of my existence. I cannot and I’m not sure will ever be able to stand people unless I’m sedated. And again, not just evil people that are easy to hate. I hate a lot of well-meaning people who are basking in their false senses of security while dumping every single living problem on everyone else. Not even worrying about their own lives or repercussions because they don’t have to.

I know I sound like a hypocrite. We are all a hypocrite to someone, but some people are so far up to social justice that they don’t do a single thing that is worthy or actually helps people. Same with these so called people that are allegedly the opposite that are PC killers or whatever. They’re not doing anything. Nothing has happened. Nobody has stopped the bad guy. At this point, is it even their goal to? Or to fight amongst another? Why are marginalized groups fighting for representation and yet, not getting a SINGLE DROP of glory. Ultimately, wanting and fighting for your freedom is destroying it.

People don’t want equality, they want to be happy. If you secretly have people a pill to save the world but be equal or a happy pill, I can assure you 77% would choose the happy pill.

Is this a bad thing?

No. Equality isn’t freedom. Human kind doesn’t want freedom. They want to be happy and happy all the time. They don’t care about others. As long as their happy and if they lost dimensions of their soul to be in Heaven, Nirvana, and other joyous places, they’d take it. Nobody cares about, you don’t care about others. I like to believe I do, but tons of well-meaning but self serving people have told me all humans are bad and only care about themselves no matter how many times I tried to argue that I just will go as they say. Their microcosm probably is Hell, itself.

Drawing is my life, but it’s not a need. I don’t breathe art. I’m not an artist. I do drawings and cartoons and some people call it art. I stopped, because frankly, the word meant something to me and it hindered my progress.

I don’t want to be an artist anymore.

Art, by definition, is one of the stupidest and strangest concepts to mankind and only exists to sell a collective universal that doesn’t exist. Kerry James Marshall’s Black art only resonates with me because we are both Black. I cannot relate to the pictures. I don’t have the lived experience. However, galleries and political pictures don’t care.

It’s easier for many people to lump people into groups because it’s convenient and they don’t have to think hard at all to where the point in their head is it has boobs and a skirt, big lips, big hips. It a female. Must reproduce. It got gray sweatpants on and has a beard and features of a male. It a male. Must reproduce. Groups are convenient and some people can’t live without them and have what is like an autistic meltdown when it’s change.

I don’t want someone invalidating my creation as an art object because it doesn’t follow some outdated idea of what it’s supposed to look like. Which brings me to my next point.

Everyone says study realism and anatomy and your art will improve.

TO WHAT?!

What is my artwork supposed to be looking like? I’ve had people share their expectations for me to get better and it tanked my self esteem and my little heart. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IMPROVING ON?!

Everyone says art is soooo subjective and you can do anything you want but then you read an article to improve your way and get dunked with so many (honestly worthless) opinions and if you’re silly and young like me, don’t take them with a grain of salt because everyone is saying that.

So, I learn anatomy and realism…and then break the rules I spent my whole time not having fun or enjoying and going back to cartoons I wanted to draw 300+ years ago…and I look to see that I actually wanted to draw that way even if the art style is bad to everyone…what now? Do I stop enjoying what I love because it’s not good enough?

No offense, but we need to stop telling kids to be themselves. You’re always going to be yourself. You cannot escape your body, your physiology, your mind. Let’s say you’re in a play as Hamlet.

There’s a script, but your choices to act and how to deliver are purely your own and are just as frustrating if you had whatever. Stop telling kids that.

Their enough is never enough and they’ll live with it and if they don’t, I’m sorry. I’m learning the sheer inconvenience and frustration being myself.

My art is not abstract enough to be marketable, my art is not realistic or impressive. My own family ignores my art objects and drawings unless I gaslight them or perform a whole ASPCA commercial for attention.

I don’t enjoy drawing more realistically but I know I have to.

Unless you have an interest that is marketable that everyone likes or you want the glory, you’re going to get ignored or be lucky and have a niche group of people like and want to pay for your interests.

Tags frustration, help, mental health, rant, stress

about me rants

Comfort Zone

Post author By Feets
Post date 28/01/2023
19 Comments on Comfort Zone

I have nothing to post because I started school. trigger warning: rant and self hatred

Tags art rant, depression, internal arguments, mental health, perfectionist, rant, stop talking, stress

artwork rants

Study rant

Post author By Feets
Post date 20/12/2022
6 Comments on Study rant

Imitation is the highest form of flattery.

Mimesis of the artists either means you’re immortal or your livelihood is stolen.
in the Renaissance, a human God.
A master worthy of being worshipped as if he was more than,
A hero.

it doesn’t seem like some people care,
to wonder what makes art of the master’s beautiful.
Or even what makes it good to them.

Mimesis.
Your stuff is worth remixing,
Worth putting in an allegorical concepts…
Worth remixing and rematching.

Others don’t matter unless they have that.

Could anyone be a master?
Or was this destined by a god, deity, evil religious figure.
Why do people make Biblicalesque stories and documentaries
And people willingly watch them,
Feeling some kind of connection.

Why do masters feel fake?
As they never existed…
How can someone deny a god, but worship the essence of a man they don’t know and never will know
and imply a person into them?
Am I simply r———,
Or did I miss out on something else?

That I’m to study these artists,
That there’s an objective truth.
That I’m supposed to like these artists no questions asked.
That their skills, talents, and whatevers are actual objective truths,
instead of opinions from those who hold my soul and other’s souls captive.

I question myself…
Why do I care?
Imitation is the highest form of flattery.

I like posting my art on here because I don’t have to source. Completely irrelevant to the post, but it’s fine. I don’t care.

Tags anxiety, argument, art, art criticism, drawings, internal arguments, mental health, prose, rant, sketches, stress, writing

about me artwork rants

Learn the rules so you can break them!

Post author By Feets
Post date 19/12/2022
3 Comments on Learn the rules so you can break them!

I don’t want to go back.

but is it possible to go back
to the old things,
not the good things,
the bad?

and reimagine them
as the good they once were,
the happiness it gave,
the sadness it sheltered.

the bad art that was made…
can I clear my mind to remember what it once was?
it is reasonable to think it is bad because I was told to do better and it moved my heart, causing it to writhe…my eyes glew up with the idea this person wants to help me,
they know the bad,
they can help me.

But did they?
I can’t seem to draw a picture without hearing critiques, never bad, just mindfulness, but never enjoying the task anymore and wanting this perfection.

A teacher cannot teach me perfection,
it doesn’t exist.
Yet, it does. It exists as much as race, religion, government, gender, sex, control.
It has to exist…but I don’t like it.
My liking doesn’t matter,
there are important things.

I don’t exist as an individual, I never have.
everything but.

I am a product,
A statistic,
A follower,
A mistake, an Idiot.

Never something as my own.

My opinions only ruin people’s days, but rarely change them.
I have no influence.
I could disappear,
and the only thing that would be sad is that I’m dead or hurt,
but it doesn’t matter.
cry about the issue and not the person.

And when someone becomes my product,
my statistic, my follower, another mistake, and another idiot under me…

well, I’ll still be nothing.

Old art from three-four years ago. It feels like looking at a completely different person referencing a different thing and the only reason why it’s terrible because it isn’t abstract enough, realistic enough, finished enough, or enough in general.

Tags about me, anxiety, argument, art, art criticism, art rant, drawings, internal arguments, lack of words, mental health, pain, perfectionist, rant, rant poetry, sketches, stress, tired, unreality

artwork rants

Exhausted

Post author By Feets
Post date 18/12/2022
21 Comments on Exhausted

I hate to abandon my account because I’m psychologically exhausted, but I’m exhausted. It’s very tiring to read on here and respond but also post and when I don’t post, I feel guilty about not being successful.

Colored sketch to help me learn how to color figures with limited palettes

I hate how on social media you just get ignored easily if you don’t post anything but if you do you still get ignored. I don’t want to be on social media all day, I want to be successful in general…but I’m not cut out for it at this moment. It’s just tiring and I get even more tired or try to focus on things that are easier and make me happy but dang.😐 There’s not much.

Tags art, internal arguments, mental health, rant

artwork rants

Realism rant (bc I can)

I gotta give y’all a heads up. I am a college student that’s getting an visual arts bachelor’s degree. This is an OPINION, not a research article/journal. If I can find “proof,” great. Otherwise, you can just enjoy the writing if it means anything to you.

So, I stumbled upon this argument online.

I can’t say I disagree with most of the points, as I feel neutral about it. But one thing that stuck out to me was the part about having to study realism to have good art?

Tell me y’all, what’s your idea of realism? You probably won’t be wrong, but I’m sure we all will have different opinions on it.

So, what is realism?

Well, realism is when a picture represents reality. It’s simple.

That leads to when a picture is realistic. Commonly when one thinks of realism, they see hyper realism, photo realism, Baroque art, renaissance art, Leonardo da Vinci! Yes, those are realistic, but those aren’t necessarily the same type. In a contemporary art class, I learned the word mimesis—the deliberate copying of the real world. It was a very interesting concept to me because it was never my intention to copy anyone’s art completely. Mimesis, in the book/article we read in class was used to describe copying a picture exactly. The author claims that it is impossible to copy nature exactly and what we are really doing is denotation—which is the literal representation—but that doesn’t mean that we are replicating reality, but in fact, representing it. (This is taken from Reality Remade by Nelson Goodman)

I’ll use a common denotation.

Tags academic art, anxiety, argument, art, art school, mental health, opinion, rant, realism, sketches, tired

artwork

Art

Post author By Feets
Post date 15/11/2022
3 Comments on Art

It’s very irritating sitting around and hearing people talk about traditional art like it’s some god send and digital and other forms of art are soulless and trash. Stop. I understand that’s it’s in good faith and you’re stating your connection and you are entitled to your opinion, but sometimes the things you do have repercussions. *Art* has been historically used as many different things, but in the society I’m in and most of Western society, it has been used as a status tool. Frequently, we don’t understand how a lot of art is private and many traditional art is highly expensive and hard to access. It has always been this way, museums weren’t created to show art until the 20th century… Mostly because art in western society isn’t for everyone.

There are art movements that catered towards people but those mostly were brainwash from the church (Renaissance art mostly is control art and highly religious until the 16th century in certain areas) or controlling devices for propaganda. Sure, you got newspaper articles or little advertisements, but you weren’t going to see fine art. Fine art is differentiated from commercial and decorative art by its psychological worth or how it represents all of society (which is stupid to me, but might be cool with you) or just an idea. It is usually very expensive due to the commissioner or the amount of effort put into it.

If there weren’t other forms of seeing art other than the physical reality, many people wouldn’t be artists—yet, people have a lot to talk about what is real art, good art, worthy and so on. It’s not helpful. Can you afford a $100 painting or a $25 print? What about a $1000 painting or a $25 print? Do you not respect an artist’s effort because they did something to you that revoked the soul and your idea of connection? Well, some people do and when it comes to plausibility, anything that sounds plausible could be true. If you tell someone the soul is lost a piece because it’s not in a style or medium you want, they could spread that idea all around the place. Nobody should say traditional art is passé as nobody should say digital art is robot garbage because people believe that and affect someone else. Ideas move and move. Ever consider where your ideas come from?

Yes, digital isn’t material, but a lot of things aren’t. Ideas aren’t material. Happiness isn’t material. The concept of the art object is not material.

I can’t remember if it was in a book or somewhere else, but my professor in a class said that a lot of artists hate studying criticism because a theory could invalidate them.

It’s interesting how many people complain about human nature and the cold, insensitiveness of the internet yet when they hear someone is showing emotions they get cynical and insensitive and tell them to stop feeling so sensitive. I’m sensitive. This whole post is a case of sensitivity. I’m mostly a traditional artist. I don’t do realism, I don’t do abstraction. I don’t have art that sells easily and is easily avoided and I don’t make art for galleries. I am an illustrator to an extent. However, it’s annoying that people don’t like other options and actually look down on them. I can understand lacking a connection; I’ve seen people not care about classical music or other things, but I will draw the line with disrespect.

I don’t care about AI. If I put effort into a piece, I would get upset if someone called it trash because I used what I had.

And oh, don’t get me started on the irritating debate on art styles.

Having opinion is fine, but dang. I have to sit in art classes forced to do realism and academia or no representative non objective abstraction because someone lucky had an opinion that to make a standard and add most people licked their balls and acted like what they said was king and everyone else could kick rocks.

Anyway, thank you for listening to my rant, here’s a picture.

Tags about me, art, art criticism, art rant, drawings, mental health, rant, sketches, stress, unreality

artwork original character original content

Random

Post author By Feets
Post date 14/11/2022
14 Comments on Random

As the day goes on, sometimes it’s very hard to draw so I’ll just show y’all some old pictures.

These characters were likely made in 2012. That’s why the art looks like ugly anime art

I know that people can look anyway they want and can do anything they want, but this art looks very white even though some of the characters aren’t white. If not, majority of them are Black or some type of Black mixture, however, I’m not sure how much of that is transferable. As well, the anatomy is … very dreadful. I love the character qualities, but if I’m not sure why I drew the characters looking so tiny.

I took a class in college called figure drawing. I’m not sure if it actually helped my art or I learned on my own while using the stuff brought up in class. Couldn’t tell you. The class happened during the pandemic, but my art looks different now.

2018 Almyleladona. She’s based off of the Pict people.

I really like drawing faces only, but some people don’t find that interesting so I have to keep on drawing over and over until I can get decent anatomy. It really sucks knowing that I draw a lot, but not often and not anything finished. I can cope.

Tags art, characters, drawings, fictional worlds, ideas, mental health, oc, original characters, original content, perfectionist, sketches, story, worldbuilding, writing

about me artwork original content rants

Art:Depression::Hot Oil:Water

Post author By Feets
Post date 10/10/2022
9 Comments on Art:Depression::Hot Oil:Water

As you can tell, I’ve been slowing down with my content…I’ve been struggling. They say to be very consistent at what you do and it’ll pay off but that’s hard when I’m exhausted all the time. I try very hard to start and do a finished piece, but it’s not quick! It’s some weird assumption that all artists, unless they’re famous and popular can post a fully rendered masterpiece everyday and just do that every day.

However, I can’t. I can give y’all sketches…is that okay? They’ll be about my characters. I know I control my content, but I don’t want my content to be terrible.

Anywho, I probably will post sketches…maybe a sketch everyday. ☺️

This is Adelewe😂 I was practicing drawing their face. They tend to not express with their eyes even though that’s supposed to be their noticeable feature.

Here’s some sketches I did while not posting stuff.

Tags about me, anxiety, art, mental health, original characters, original content, perfectionist, rant, stress

about me rants

Random

Post author By Feets
Post date 03/10/2022
2 Comments on Random

So, I know I’ve been talking about paints and whatever, but I had to take a break. So, here I am. I struggle with consistency and I try to work on it but it’s a struggle everyday. I think I’m doing okay with this blog, but it’s stressing me out for bigger things like comics. I haven’t drawn my character’s bodies and poses as much as I want to and when I start, I get so anxious that I’m doing terrible or I’m not doing enough or my art is bad or I’m stupid and it’s going to look like garbage so I just research.

It’s hard too when I’m stuck in my head and I don’t know how to communicate what’s going on and things in my life tell me not to communicate. It actually is depressing. I hate to sit here and dump all my problems on y’all, but it’s just that I have nobody that I can just talk to that isn’t shoving advice or blaming me for something. I do want y’all to know I’m still doing my goals, I’m just a bit stressed. 😩

I am still trying to do better. I promise I am. I have one more character I’m going to choose to draw. ☺️ Still thinking of who they are. I’m also going to update the cultures. I’ll get too it. I’m also just still finding inspiration to draw out these characters.

Here’s some music I like! ☺️

Tags about me, anxiety, mental health, original characters, perfectionist, rant, stress

about me rants

Talking : ignore if you don’t like rants

Post author By Feets
Post date 28/09/2022
4 Comments on Talking : ignore if you don’t like rants

I hate to give up, but I’m tired of feeling like I’m not being heard or anyone cares about my opinion so I just am going to try hard to not give it or really talk to people like that. I don’t think I’m smarter than them, I just feel like I’m rude and offensive.

I’m tired of always feeling like I’m weird. If I’m too bold I’m annoying but if I’m quiet I need to talk more. I don’t want to keep doing that. I think people need to just leave people alone. I was way happier not talking to anyone and contributing to conversations

Anyway, I didn’t have anything prepared and I missed a post day so here we go!

Tags mental health, rant, stop talking, stress