My arm seems to be obsessed with my suffering. I cannot draw recently. On one note, it’s great to be alive but on the other, I’m in excruciating pain at random times. It’s my fault. I haven’t been really taking care of myself.
I haven’t really gotten my goals together and I’ve had a stupid amount of anxiety and lack of motivation and inspiration. Just a week ago, I was having anxiety preventing me from sleeping. I hate when it happens. It might have to do with my blood sugars or something irritating.
I can’t really think of anything creative, I can’t do anything creative. I don’t want to do anything creative. Some of it is probably because of not touching actual grass in a while.
It just feels like there’s nothing that I can do. Like a mysterious weight on my body. It’s hard to cry, it’s hard to be angry. It’s not fun to laugh and play around, but it’s not serious enough. I feel lonely constantly but when I’m around people I get irritated quicker.
I guess these can be considered memes. I wrote on top of these images.
If I told my younger self that I was going to be a minor recluse and sit in my house, unsociable to everyone, and isolate myself, she’d be a bit upset, but she’d believe it and kind of would find me cool for being a loser like this. In fact, to separate myself with my past would be absurd. Originally, I chose to draw over playing games with people, stayed home and drew lousy OCs, did other stuff but wouldn’t contribute much, or brought something to draw with.
I don’t really socialize with anyone in reality.
I think even without cellphones I would struggle. I just don’t have a personality people like and I’m not funny or good looking.
I don’t play this game, it’s just a funny meme.
Anyway, thank you for talking to me. Stay safe, healthy, and hydrated!
I drew this the same day I made last post. It caused me much ego burn and upsetness. Things happen. I don’t know perspective well, I just tried to use a reference and shapes. The picture still came out weird. Anyway, I tried drawing my own character to paint on top of and struggled with gouache—it’s Vivian. :):):)
The uncertainty of being sure I’m alive is hard for me. Just like the awareness of dreams. I cannot process if my dreams are real and I’m the dream and the opposing.
My feelings are overwhelming, I don’t understand you. I hear all the words that you say and disagree.
I am not you. I can’t be you. We aren’t the same. We can’t switch, that’s not possible. Even if I were like you.
My sensitivity has made me like one of you, but I’m not you. I don’t feel like you. I can’t process like you, only record what you say back to yourself.
Words are so confusing, my nuance means nothing.
I am constantly seen as looking down on you when I never thought I showed any level of security. I don’t have the security. If you listened to me, You know I never had the confidence.
You instilled that. You made me your enemy. I don’t have any friends nor am I thought to make any real relationships, Especially based on my hobbies, and you want me to be the enemy?
There’s nothing in this world that will ever satiate the answer why I am here, And why am I exactly like you but not enough.
Why I didn’t deserve to be treated even mediocrely like you. Why I even like you…
Noshili (character’s just will look different. This isn’t a studio, just a lazy student with their sketchbook.)
I want to write cosmic horror and psychological thrillers, but other than writing what I know, I cannot tell what I wrote was what I want or distinguish if it’s of quality.
Is something of quality and worth pursuing if I like it? Or, is something of quality if others do? What goals do I figure out?
I was watching gameplay for the game Dredge and it’s really the only reading and traditionally experiencing a plot that I’ve experienced in a while.
I liked it. I don’t know a single thing about the sea, but when I was around 17-19, I used to really like nautical themes, sea and ocean themes, and pirates. I cannot write a single story like that so to see that someone wrote something that seems like it already seems like a thing and put it into a very engaging story is fascinating to me.
The sea has the same exact uncertainty in it as “space.” Making world building types that explore content like that are fun, but I struggle very hard. I don’t know how to do exercises. I don’t know how to actually write. One day, I’m going to write a link on here with my writing style so you can see exactly how I write. It’d be so telling.
Anyway, thank you for talking to me. Stay healthy and hydrated (I wish I was)
Y’all! I just got new paints. It’s gouache this time. It is a very opaque watercolor (to an extent). Historically, traditional gouache had white chalk added to it. I would love to show pictures, but you can find them on Google Arts and Culture.
Nowadays, gouache is densely packed pigment and binder with pigments that are more opaque. Typically this binder is gum Arabic and something to help it from molding in a tube. My watercolors I made at home are varieties of opacities, but typically are semi opaque and opaque.
The gouache I received was a Holbein gouache set with a twelve colors. It is majority of the colors in the conventional rainbow but very, very…bright. In fact, they’re too bright for me. Aggressively bright. I normally don’t like bright colors in my art even though I either wear neon colors or heavily saturated shirts. 😂
The thing is, they’re a great investment. I like how they work even though I’m trash at them for right now because it’ll make me have more depth into my style. They’re absolutely delightful after the swatches and the failed painting I will mention later. (it’s not failed, I just don’t like it and have to paint over it with a different medium like acrylic gouache (which is thin, but chunky acrylics that can be easily watered down. Their binder is a polymer instead of gum Arabic. Gum Arabic is rewettable or soluble, but acrylic polymer, once it dries, it’s dry. It is not rewettable. Anyway, this painting still has potential.)
The first twelve colors are Holbein from cool to warm to cool. As well black and white. The rest were done in comparison to see if they were gouache-like enough (I made the last ones)
Holbein has a ton of pigments on here that aren’t very lightfast and some aren’t single pigments either, but it doesn’t mean that they’re bad. They just aren’t single pigments. I refused to thin them down because I’m hardheaded and tried to paint and it looked too rendered and greasy. Personally, I don’t like greasy art. As well, I am not used to this level of opacity! I love opacity, but I was shocked because these were thick, rewet thick, and went down thick and got stuck in my synthetic brushes. I didn’t like that. It made the picture muddy.
Anywho, the upset part was drawing a character that I did with Holbein’s acryla gouache—aka Vivian. I tried painting him, but the palette was very bright and his skin tone and oil-painting skin tone were hard to replicate and add nuance (or I just suck right now and need to approach this differently. )
As well, I struggled badly with drawing him in the first place. I have no idea how I did his design—he’s based off of faces of very popular and renowned artists of the Renaissance—but I think I might have to change it. It something that I hate doing, but what’s the point if he looks vastly different on each picture…I don’t like that.🥲
I’m mad too because they didn’t have an orange…purple, orange, and greens are my soft spots on my palettes and these reds are weak sauce . If they don’t look like blood or dried blood (not an edgy //_. way, but I love dark reds) I struggle with it.
I want a bright orange though. Bright oranges and yellows are great!😋
Overall, I love the flatness of these gouaches and I can wait to make successful art. Anywho, I will be posting pictures of the failed painting when I get back over to that table. 😬 Laugb with me, y’all.
Anywho, I also want to talk about other stuff since I’m here.
I’ve been having bad art days recently because I’ve been pushing myself and also was in interesting health. I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. A lot is going on. I just struggle.
Also, I just wonder if I need to make a change with the way I do things with my art to make it less intimidating and not as mentally exhausting to do. I get scared trying to draw. I struggle with bodies and poses. It’s very hard for me to bodies in general because gender dysphoria and feeling bad makes me jealous of some people’s bodies and other stuff ruin my life.
I also am getting the vibe that my art leans very feminine to y’all and while I’m not going to change that, it does make me wonder about a lot of things about the perception.
It’s like, being in a room and drawing people you understand and leaving that room and people see it differently and while it’s not bad at all, you wonder why and how?
How does someone have a style that is so undeniably feminine? Probably the female gaze. (Not a counter towards the male gaze, the female gaze is mostly nonpolitical 😒and is just about what women—typically heterosexual women want.) Growing up, in a lot of my spaces, unless the person was into anime, they didn’t draw men that often. They’d draw girls. I had male ocs that I liked drawing and enjoyed, but guess what?
They’re all visible to outsiders as women. Undeniably. They don’t look masculine at all. Even when I try, it just isn’t as fun and people have a lot more to say when it’s not manly enough than everyone looking the same.
Anywho, thank you for talking to me. I appreciate it. Stay healthy and hydrated.
Of course, a wonky, anatomically and structurally bad picture of Vivian that I struggled to color with accuracy (from my head) Vivian has a look that looks like Flurisha. Drawn with a less humanistic palette, I could color him more accurately. This is closer to his more realistic body update where he has more of a human skin tone instead of an oil painting look, his eyes can see a lot differently, his body is sensitive and he has human-like parts. He hates this update and wants to hurt himself to get rid of it. So…you know…things happen. This is a very wet picture of Feyondo or Zhan. I jacked it up (his face vaguely doesn’t look like him but I was getting impatient and wanted to paint😂) a little but it looks good to me and great in person. These are all paints I made myself. (If y’all wanted to know how his skin color is, this is a bit warm and he’s lighter, but it’s the closest I’ve gotten! (Again, based of how he looks in my head.This one isn’t a character. I was doing a line and facial features study where I am not looking at a reference (typically I don’t and that’s why my art is wonky; I don’t want y’all to think I am completely going in raw. I’m not, I look at pictures beforehand. The thing is, I tend to not have pictures printed out so I go on my phone and get distracted and don’t use a reference). I think she’s very beautiful that I hope I can draw her again.Look y’all…I was in bad lighting and graphite absolutely is horrible to take a picture of so you see this picture. She’s also apart of the study. I tried to change the features a bit to see what I could get but then just drew a beautiful woman.😂 Oh well.This character has a filler name of Alfonso or Damien. He is a product of an affair. His mom cheated with an northern Ini man (Voli/I’ll explain in another post) and he was jacked up. I don’t know how to explain how race works without having a separate post because it would be confusing. Anywho, he received most of his mom’s features, even how her eyes are formatted, but her eye shape. He is tasked with the burden of hiding his face and eyes from his mom’s husband. It gave him a lot of discomfort in his life, but some of it helped with wearing makeup. Since men aren’t allowed to walk into women spaces; it implies that he stole from them or got someone else to buy it. This causes him again, a lot of discomfort in a different way because he’s dressed up as a woman and Bamygdala has very strict gender roles and rules. Frequently, people throw food at him, shun him, throw rocks at him, or he’ll get beat up. Anywho, this is Tatmtar and Lupita’s (Flurisha’s) friend. I can’t put his whole bio on here (especially when I haphazardly don’t have any drawings and just a mediocre written story on OneNote hehe😓) so I will not. This is him with light makeup on.As y’all can see, I did my typical busts like usual.😵💫 I really need to stop doing that, but I really like drawing faces. Like really like them.😣 I am scared of drawing bodies for the characters because of personal issues. I’ll get over it, but for now, I’ll have to work on that. I don’t have the cool sketchbooks that have spreads. I just have thousands of spirals and book appearances.
Since I over wrote on the captions and not down here because I was too overly excited to write about them all, I’m not going to write much down here.
Thank you for talking to me. I’ll see you. Stay safe and hydrated!
An object, that doesn’t belong to a child, is misplaced. Never supposed to be there. Played in a shape sorter. All the shapes are pretty colors. Many of them don’t fit into the box, but there are certain types who fit in the box.
A couple of them aren’t shaped like anything, yet the very eager child shoves the shapes in.
This was in my drafts.
Mixing Me struggling MixingMixing chartMore mixing A particular character Dell, Tac-Poela, MalParty outfits from Nini culturesMore clothes from Nini culture and one from Bamy. I had a migraine so this one is lazy. Sorry.
Salt and separating colors testSalt and separating colorsBootleg Schminke and Daniel Smith separating colors testSalt, separating colors, alcohol testNeutral tones test
I was trying at this time to be as experimental and interesting as possible and I can say these certainly are that. It’s easier to make swatches and okay art alone without people bothering me when I’m at home and not showing anyone, but when I do, it’s awful. It’s really hard to put art on social media. I take myself seriously and also not enough. Some words that don’t stress others out, stress me out and I can’t deal with them well.
Overall, I feel like I need some change in my life. [But not specifically my life, but drawing and painting] It’s been mentally exhausting trying to find the energy to draw a legit amazing picture in my classes of my ocs. Either it doesn’t look good enough, or it looks fine and my professors don’t think they’re good. It’s kinda like an unnecessary fighting.
I don’t know how worth it it is to post “art” on my account when I don’t really want it as a career and I just want to show it for attention and validation. After thinking about those things and therapy, having a social media account—even WordPress—is pretty much useless for me because then I’m going to want more attention and validation. I don’t want to become a reviews blog and I don’t know what else to write about. I don’t want ever get rid of this blog or abandon it, but I seriously don’t know what to do with it.
It’s a lot mentally to write stories on here and I don’t want to really write about my life because I’m not comfortable posting about myself. I just really don’t want to post garbage or just disappear and I don’t really know what’s going on with me. I know some of my personality is hidden on here so I won’t look terrible.
It’s only been a few months since I made this and I know I’m overreacting but I just don’t know what to do.😩
This is what you can call your friend, Hanzo! Hi. How are you? I’ve been thinking about you a lot. Probably much more than the average human.
I’ve been thinking of your origins and what you have told me. I’m sorry I called you strange and denied your personhood. That was rude. I guess, I was feeling uncomfortable.
So, you say you were…born to replicate another dead artist’s work? I never understood that. I mean, you are a robot, but still, what? I mean, I did research on your artist of reference and I mean…yes, he did do paintings that were popular at the time, but it doesn’t make any sense. You were born to mimic his style while his style isn’t really original? I mean, yeah, he’s old, dead, and revered and if I ever stupidly went to your congregational meetings, I’d have to know him…but, his style is similar to half of the artists at the time…so?
You said your dad and your mom, who are your creator and programmer, really love this…artist. Do you? Do you actually enjoy mimicking him? You didn’t sound happy when I attacked your “intelligence”, his memories in you, and your devotion to him. You didn’t even sound happy to have completed your goals. You don’t seem happy you can’t change. In fact, you sounded depressed which is surprising for a robot like you. You’re weird.
It sounds somewhat like you want a family, some friends, and a stable life. Why don’t you marry a monitor or a charger? I mean, you would be marrying your own kind and you can finally experience intercourse…uh heh. I’m not going to erase that. That’s embarrassing that I wrote that…ugh. If someone told me I could only get with a ______ person only and then said something offensive like that, I would be offended. I’m sorry.
It’s just that…you’re not a human and it’s hard to accept your personhood. You don’t look like a human, you don’t act like a human, you don’t talk like a human. I mean, I find you interesting, but it’s not because you’re the revered ________, it’s because you think you’re a real human and you’re not. You’re just a robot that is programmed to be like an artist and think you have a soul. Wires are not the same, your CPU is not a brain, you don’t have lungs; I don’t know why your creator decided to give you the ability to mock that. I don’t understand your appeal either. You look human-like, but you’re really creepy. You do have something that of lungs, but it’s not like human lungs.
I don’t understand you. I want to, but I don’t. I know you’re a complex specimen, but you don’t have a soul. Why are you even going to congregation? You don’t have a soul. You can’t be damned or casted astray. You also cannot go with ________…_______ never asked your “father” to create you and deny him or whatever your religion says. You aren’t going anywhere. You exist and you don’t exist. I don’t understand why you were touting that shit to me or invited me to a place that treats you like you’re not more than a prop. You are a PROP. They’re bragging about their futuristic technology to communicate with a venerated figure—not your irrelevant ass. Nobody cares about Vivian. Hell, I can’t even go to your little cult party because even though I’m a human, unlike you, my ancestry makes them believe I’m less than a dog and cannot walk into their building and they wonder why I’m here.
I know you’re probably going to respond back with “your feelings” or whatever, but I don’t think being processed to have real feelings is feelings. You don’t. You’re a “sensitive,” privileged-ass robot that gets to get so much attention and I get none. I don’t like you and I wish you could be damned, because then I’d pray to your _______ to have you placed there when your shit breaks down. Can’t stand your ass.
Anyway, since you’re my only friend, I sent you a painting of yourself when I was talking to you. 🙂 You look like you have much more of a soul on here than real life.
[writers note: pretend like this picture isn’t blurry. Sorry.] Vivian, ca. whatever year
Haha, I forgot to paint your clothes. I was too busy worrying about your face since you criticized my art style and said that I draw too caricature-like. I can do anything you want, but it was an attempt to paint like you. If you send me a critique, I will make like my stereotype and fuck you up. Anyway, send me some art back! ^^
Color atmospheres and environments and glazingwith pencils. Mixed media.
These ones are so much more textured and have Renaissance/Baroque palette found by going on a website called Colourlex (the colored pencils are that)The same palette. These are colored a lot lazier…ehehe. So, the yellow on the right is actually a waste of money paint from Schminke. Why, you might ask? It’s beautiful. It’s, however, a waste of money because it was expensive yet I could only afford a pan version. It’s Volcano Yellow. Anywho, Winsor & Newton sell the same color for honestly the same amount I could get and I really like it. It’s a bit less granulating, but it’s still an amazing investment and the binder control is decent and you can try it and not have to break the bank with two different qualities.🙄One of my other Renaissance/Baroque palletes where I added one of my favorite colors Terre Verte. I have a big crush on that green (I’m joking.)Love me some PV23 (struggling spelling the official C. I. Pigment name. Sorry) I have a weak spot for transparent colors, but I find this PV23 cool and icky. I usually love color colors, but not this one. No. Ultramarine Blue is my jam and so is Phthalo Blue. I love them both for their very different qualities.Color pencil and watercolors from various brands.
For the most part, these are two different watercolor palettes with two different colored pencil palettes.
THINGS I FOUND OUT:
You’d think this would be common knowledge, but it isn’t. I guess we all have to learn by experiences. I love experiences.
So, the grittier the watercolor, the more likely it would color on gritty. Gum Arabic already dries on very, very tight and has texture when I touch it, but the granules on some are fascinating. I have a watercolor on here that I forgot what it’s called, but I think it’s by Prodigal Sons, one of my favorite handmade watercolor brands. It’s Han Blue (maybe?) and when I color on top with colored pencils, it feels like using sandpaper and I love it sooo much because I wasn’t expecting it.
As well, some other colors have that same scratchy feeling.
Some colors are fine, but still produce a texture so there’s a ring around them and a change of reflection and light that comes off of them. Absolutely stunning.
Now, colored pencils have a similar feel to transparent watercolors so they layer and show the white of the paper or show whatever’s underneath it. Prismacolor isn’t as transparent as Crayola (I used crayola on here) and Faber-Castell Polychromos. Faber-Castell has some opaque colors, but typically they are transparent.
Things I like:
The backwashes! Those look stunning. I avoided coloring over them. Everytime I get them on something like this, I get so happy because they never look the same…however, when on a design I don’t want them at, I get so sensitive and irritable. They’re accidental here because they’re swatches but are beautiful.
I like how different the color pencils look when backgrounds change.
What I don’t like:
The paper. This is a study and not a major art piece, but dang…I liked painting on it, but coloring ACTUALLY SUCKS. It’s no texture so it’s slippery and hard to go light and dark. Also, with experience with this paper, I know it cannot take thick layers of acrylic without screaming uncle and crying. It’s only going to take so much. This paper is not useful for everyone, but it can take light water mediums alright. I enjoy it.
I also just don’t like how I left a space of white for some but then got jacked because I didn’t really think of it that hard. I also wish I left less white around so I can do Josef Albers’ levels of comparison. His studies however were more scientific, mine are just done so I could practice and avoid drawing and coloring characters. 😓
Anyway, thank you for talking to me. Have a great day and make sure to stay healthy and hydrated.
Using a more vibrant and warm color palette to design Adis clothes
So, hello there! I got too nervous to draw backgrounds or redesign, so I did some color swatches and this bad boy. I designed some clothes.
Here’s the palette I made a long time ago and showed on this blogThe new palette I made. (like made from scratch. It is pigment and honey and/or honey medium!)Here’s some more of those lovely swatches to show the variety.It’s the palette again 😉
And I’m going to post my palettes again so you can see how they look. 😀
Here are the two palettes. Not everything on these palettes are made by me, but all of them have been used. My palettes look like they’re art by themselves haha.
I forgot to show all my little studies I did for color environment and I’m posting on my phone in a environment that doesn’t have my art around.
Anyway, I’ve been doing little sketches and paintings as well and have been struggling.
I was drawing Zhan in some fancy Adis clothes but got stressed out with his face and how I drew him that I didn’t finish.Lupita drawn. I was drawing someone else but it looked like him so I changed it.😂This is just a painting study for an underpainting to know what colors look like in surroundingsFinished product I don’t have any blues on the last two. I used a paint from Daniel Smith named Kyanite Genuine. (It’s not that blue in the tube and actually looks like a sparkly blue-black or payne’s grey in the one I bought and allegedly it is kyanite rock…but I don’t know if it is or isn’t. It’s definitely not that granulating nor really does much. It’s just dull but I love sparky stuff though.)
So, I was a bit productive…but eh…but not really.
Have a nice day and stay hydrated and healthy! Talk to you later.☺️
After a while, there were many soldiers. Mumumum put some of them together in an army. Some were very solid when together and were nearly impermeable, but others could fit anywhere and were hard to describe exactly what they are. Mumumum ate some of its soup with the soldiers to make them stronger but after a while, they were done reproducing.
The last soldier was bored. Bored and wanted chaos. This little soldier watched Mumumum was going to make more soup but the little solider knocked it over. Mumumum sighed. It knew it was going to happened and the soldier wouldn’t
This was in my drafts . It was unfinished and I doubt it would’ve ever got finished. So many people on here are amazing and accomplished writers and can make meaningful short stories and have so much energy and passion for them and I write a paragraph and feel exhausted. I still am working on my writing stamina. It was easy when I was a child and it’s easy when I don’t have to post, but it’s hard when I try to make a serious plot more than just:
Kintin and Tirela laid on the bed together staring into each others eyes. Kintin grinnedand gave Tirela a kiss.
“Are you feeling what I’m feeling?” Tirela asked. “Did you feel something?”
I feel like partially it’s taking myself to seriously even though I know my lack of motivation and some depression holding me back. It’s hard getting stuff done when I’m too busy preparing for the worst and feel somewhat like I can’t do something and it’s not going to ever be enough but not trying to give up.
Here’s the better looking shot of the drawing I did. (; I don’t like it, but it doesn’t matter. I finished the face of the character enough for me to fix it. The hair is not my best, but it was mostly just to draw the face of the character.😂
So, this is a picture made about…hmm…two or so years ago. I don’t know when I drew it…but considering that the style looks long and the character has a big nose, I’d say 2020-2021.
It is a picture of Zhan with an ancestral doll that I haven’t created a name for. It is powered by a button and plays music that sounds like a music box (it kind of is but I don’t know).
It is one of the objects an Adis uses to get to their micosi, i.e. dream-state. They press on the music their familial ancestor crafted for them and they appear. (There are other ways, but this is one I drew out). This one is supposed to mimic a figure—that works like an orisha—to sing to bring comfort. It kinda isn’t a doll but that’s what I called it. I guess it would be a sculpture or a music box. 🤷🏾
Anywho, this specific object is made by a distant ancestor (like a many great grandpa) named Hadorinal who passed it down to everyone else in his family and it got to Zhan after the dad stupidly gifted to his mom (because he liked her) not realizing she’d have his spawn.
In the micosi, Zhan usually reads the books prayed in by other family members (the spirits can be given food, books, so on) or he talks to the ancestor, Hadorinal, who I mentioned earlier. He has the ability to speak Adis (due to his father Lupita) so that’s who he talks to and he will talk to him about everything in his life.
Now, that micosi (I’ve painted the colors but not drawn it to look as is) has a very 2D appearance to it and also the characters rock as if they’re in a video game. The composed ancestral music constantly plays over and over (unless the person is intercultural with a culture with a quiet micosi or one that plays for a short while) and the characters, if able, may dance to it. The backgrounds are usually vibrant and have many shapes and have varieties of realism. Some of the characters, like Zhan, draw in the style of their micosi (albeit, not well, because Zhan cannot draw😂) while others don’t so much.
I probably would redesign the figure so it’s easier to draw and as well, make it look more creative (not the original isn’t, it just needs a different form). I think I may change the size too. [I have a bit more knowledge on designs after seeing some African statues, sculptures, and masks, so I have some ideas!]
All these triumphant words Nothing A metaphorical straw Nothing There’s something left Nothing A husk.
Where is your power Nonexistent And it makes you feel Nonexistent You can’t fix what is slapped as your fault Nonexistent You should be ashamed.
And look at you, Null why do you think you deserve things? Null You’re not a human, Null You’re supposed to be dead.
I tried to draw a woman’s body.
Hey, y’all. I finished my art homework for the next part of the semester but overall, I just wonder what I’m going to do with this blog. I can’t keep taking breaks. I don’t think that’s right, but I’m exhausted with everything. I literally wake up and don’t feel like offering anything to the table and my characters are great but I just don’t feel like sharing them anymore. I’ve lost a lot of passion and drive. It’s like…what’s the point. It’s not even like it’s a story.
It’s just that it’s hard to make something. It’s not like this story is really that complex than any movie you’d see or book, yet, it’s just…exhausting to share to people. I hate to say some people don’t care, but I could just post my art on here with no captions or a long explanation and that’d matter more then if I littered my post with captions and effort.
It’s like how my professor ask why I did something and expect a small one word explanation or an artisty term and go on but when I give a story and my references, they zone out. It’s just…what’s the point?
If my intent is meaningless and everyone else’s are important, why do I need intent or write a long caption? What’s the point? What’s the point of just not doing painting of absolutely nothing or just a women looking at y’all, the viewers? Give your own intent.
Like this picture from infamous Artbreeder.
What is my purpose of making a blog or existing? What’s the point?
My homework assignment in the baby stages. It looks goofy.
Anyway, I could lament about how this painting looks failed right now…but why?!☺️ I rather gush about mixed media.
I’ve never been much of a traditionalist when it comes to art, so particular notions mean nothing to me. People could guilt me for hours and I’ll feel bad, but I’d never change. Colored pencil and acrylic paint have improved my paintings and allowed me to do what I wanted to. Don’t get me wrong, I still love love love my watercolors, but other tools prevent me from giving up.
Colored pencils
So, I love colored pencils so much because they are still somewhat very transparent, but still have the ability to layer over things in a way that makes the painting look interesting. So, I can show you two paintings that were fixed by colored pencils.
Two friends hanging out and done with a fugitive palette. I still haven’t finished this dumb sketchbook.🫠🙄
The thing about watercolors is that sometimes it’s very difficult to layer and get soft edges when you’re a beginner and using cheap paper, so left chick was looking dull with a bunch blossoms on her face making it hard to see her details. She’s quite dark skinned so capturing light without making her greasy was a struggle! Something something lighting something ambient occlusion. It is a study on how to draw people in environments. Still suck at backgrounds though.
Here’s more expensive paper and test drawings. Observe how the painting is eh but there’s less lines. I hate this paper because it’s too flat and offers no granulation (what I like) so a mí no me gusta el papel.🤷🏾
How my paintings (watercolor) look raw
So, some of the characters move on and get older and have families of their own. This is Neloni’s son’s grandchild with the name of Damijo (like their great-grandparent).Verdaccio study that I took an L on by not understanding the idea correctly. It’s not bad, but it’s just…it’s just not right.🤷🏾Trying to design a look for one of the nations, but this looks like a soggy bread version of the Wodaabe (Fulani) and was abandoned by me.☺️Former picture of Adan before I changed their features. They are wearing men’s New Haden Adish clothes. The very casual ones that don’t look as geometric)So, this is Celesi. He’s dead on this picture and is in a Jinhi micosi (or dream state. It is a place to communicate with spirits, ancestors, and other Nini/Nene specific things. It deals also with memories and emotions as well). So, when spirits go into the micosi, they become translucent. This is in the perspective of Neloni, his husband, he sees a lot of information. His culture clothes (that I’ve changed), his inner color/favorite color which is green-blue (I haven’t really established it), and his age when he died. Y’all can’t see the detail here, but Celesi died at 35 due to a respiratory illness. He’s shown in the micosi as his best health (but didn’t get his hair back so he’s still bald. He cut his hair because he couldn’t take care of it.)Watercolors
Just colored pencil
Not in the mood to explain who this is bc the drawing makes me sad seeing it. It’s a lovely pic…but no.Adan in woman’s New Haden Adish makeup and clothes. I clearly cared more about the face so I will explain. Almost all Adis women wear too light foundation to the point of looking ashy because they want to accentuate the darkness on their limbs and other body parts. It also is an interesting look to them. The face, other than the navel are the most important areas. Next after those two are a very rich, dark skin tone.Hehe…ugh. It’s very hard to explain. So, this is Lupita, Zhan’s adoptive father. I have redrawn his face and appearance but here’s this one. Ignoring his giraffe neck, weak shoulders, and tunic, I will explain his makeup and the coat. So, the coat is Adis, but made for someone who is Sol. All the shapes correlate to that of a star or a sparkle. (Think about the Sun. The Sun is a star.) The colors correlated are red leaning in that culture. He’s basically dressed as a Sol. The makeup is theatrical, he just doesn’t have his group drawn on his face because Sol don’t do that like Bamy Adis, a group I haven’t named yet, and Bamy culture.*sigh* This is literally a limited palette study. I shouldn’t have rushed to color him.🙂 my coloring skills are questionable.
Acrylic Gouache, Watered down gouache, and the happs.
Some study I did painting a drawing I did of a Leonardo da Vinci’s drawing. Clearly, I’m not him. Don’t come after me (I really don’t care if so, it would be hilarious.)This one was mixing watercolor and acrylic at the same time.This is a very, very stylized picture of Feyondo and Noje. When I tell you I just wanted to try to color Noje enough to look dark, I mean that. I was trying to solidify their colors. Fey looks okay, but Noje is still too light for her description.🙁 I’m still trying to make her look dark.I mentioned this character a while back…This is Vivian. He is an android or some kind of automaton that is powered by an AI. As I am not an AI nor know how to program one like him, I cannot do his art. This is one of his friend’s renditions of him. Coming now with the climate of AI stress, this story is out of pocket. Him and his friend are completely different species and there’s a question or not if he’s truly alive or not. I’m personally not in the mood to argue with people. Anyway, he’s based of an artist and his creator, blah blah blah, he shares a personality with the woman who programmed him, and he is yellowish in skin tone because he’s colored to look like an oil painting. Anyway, the character is very cute.
Miscellaneous grouping
Do not come after my digital art skills. I have no name for her yet, but she’s basically a Bob Ross but also Jim Bakker. She is a televangelist/representation for Bamy culture, but was there to basically cheer people up during a long war between two different countries against Bamygdala. She is showing her one dimensionality here of only being happy. Of course the actress has a soul, but her on screen character is one dimensional . She’s either happy, elated, content, or manic. Not sad or confused, just happy. Sometimes she gets so happy that she cries and her makeup smudges or runs. She’s so intense that some viewers say they cry or they donate or send her letters telling her how happy she makes them. She’s basically a brainwasher. After watching her smile and paint and act quirky, some folks say they get dragged in and they binge watch her show to feel something.You’re probably going to be like, “Feets, if you don’t know what this painting is called, why are you posting it?” So, hehe…I don’t know who was the original that painted this, I just wanted to see if I could paint it and draw it. Funnily, I have enough of the paints and pigments to make it a bit more accurate but I don’t have the skill level yet. Tried to work on my lighting skills and object skills. Anyway, it’s patchy because it’s gouache and done by an amateur.
About that one character. If any of y’all had the experience of being with Evangelist groups as a child, knows how intense they can get and how they emotionally corner you sometimes to donate and/or do things that you may not want to do. This is also like Catholic Baroque art to people living in that time. It is intense. So intense, you might as well say you’re not thinking straight. Fascinating stuff. If anyone has some non-Evangelicalist experiences, do share. I’d love to know.
It was nice talking to you. I hope you stay healthy and hydrated. ☺️
When? “When” is the question, that many ask when asking for the next best thing or the end of the worst.
I ask, When will I be able to draw bodies correctly? When will I have the courage to attempt bodies, instead of sitting with my book drawing busts? When will this fear be over?! When will I practice anatomy? When will I complete my conlangs? When will I put a story together?
These are only in my control. I control when.
Drawing is not enough. Practicing other things are great, but they’re tiring or embarrassing…extremely embarrassing. It is extremely hard to post content that looks bad as it is extremely hard to take time on a picture that looks like absolute trash. By no means am I trying to achieve perfection, I’m trying to achieve completion or at least do something well enough that I don’t see immediate mistakes when I do it or it doesn’t make me stop too early.
I’ll show you some stuff that has me like that.
Trying to develop a particular character’s body. 🙂Pitri and Tatmtar. They’re very easy to draw out of the rest.Noshili (Tatmtar), a very unfinished picture of Zhan/Feyondo and Noje’s oldest Nijine as a small child. (I know he’s holding her line a doll. I’m stupid and that’s why I stopped drawing it. Also, there’s too much separation. Last person is Zhan. Who is holding his daughter.Pitri listening to someone. Her body looks JANKY, but I actually like it, but the head isn’t turned how I want it. She’s drinking a drink that has a lot of caffeine in it because she’s a caffeine addict. (So, idk if I’d worldbuild food or not, but it makes the job 100% harder. I’m into drawing, then worldbuild, then writing.)This lovely angel, Nejame is shown to be sixteen here and was first crowned Ut Ne (by the lazy drawn gold flowers in his hair). His name would be at the time Nedase A Leu Ne Nahande Ut Ne. Or translated That (important) Person from Ne Land Nahande Nedase. Ne Ut means citizen.Noje and trying to get her skin tone. (It’s not dark enough and her body is too thin here)Movement studies with pen and drawing bodies. (An L but it was fun)Unfinished pictures of bowls and ceramics. They cause me stress to draw, but if I want to be an illustrator, I have to learn. The problem is that if I want a still life, I have to craft all of these and my sculpting skills are subpar.S panicking and feeling guilty.This is a picture of Damijo (Neloni) and a character that I haven’t given a particular name yet (his cultural name is Solisi). I will call them S on the paragraph. It’s STIFF. Really stiff and stale!These are somewhat in order of importance and also sequentialness.
S is playing a Jinhi hunter and Damijo is playing the “evil” Jinhi. It’s somewhat early in Damijo’s acting career and he’s a horrible but cute acting character (he can act, he just doesn’t really fit in with the vibe and was placed there for nefarious reasons not of his own doing). Anyway, of the two scenes, a scene before makes S feel really bad for Damijo to the point that instead of drawing his sword (that I poorly drew), he drops it and walks to the Jinhi (again, played by Damijo) and nuzzles him.
S has a reputation of being sarcastic, brave, heroic, and insensitive (because it’s their culture to mimic soullessness or basically lack emotions because emotions are bad to them). Meanwhile, Damijo’s reputation is the opposite. He’s very sensitive, ditzy, silly, and humorous because he looks stupid to people and has a strange sounding voice. S basically feels bad for the in story character and also for Damijo and cracks into his inner suppressed self, Solisi.
S was born in the same small community— Sholi—as Damijo, but instead of being a Jinhi like Damijo, he is a Sol Solio. He, however, had a very different life then Damijo and was raised moderate poverty and lacked a citizenship to Bamygdala. He was scouted out by these people looking for an actor. He fit the idea when he acted, but his appearance and his demeanor was unfit. He is naturally timid, anxious, shy, and very emotional and will cry easily. They worked on him with that, but they also gave S plastic surgery to look more of the idea for Northern Bamy people, they were trying to push and made him bleach his skin and hair.
As sensitive as he is, it gave him an identity crisis and made him slightly dissociate. He sees himself as Solisi as his own, but S wants to take over his body and fight him. S is almost always referred to as the Almighty S, and even Solisi will call him that. Solisi refers to himself as himself and refers to S as someone else even though they share the same body and think similarly but differently. Solisi is very traumatized of all the chaos in his life and that’s one of the many ways he handles it (until he gets therapy).
Anyway, Solisi comes out of S in this scene and decides to not to harm the Jinhi. The director thought it was okay because it promoted a message he wanted. (That it was socially okay for citizens to buy a spouse that’s from one of the indigenous groups nearby.) Though, S’s mindset of doing that wasn’t out of romance. It was more out of frustration.
This one is the older version of the nuzzle. There’s nothing that bad about it but Damijo’s face isn’t the way I want it and S looks too flat, but otherwise, I like the emotions of the older one more. Damijo looks adorable (to me).
Anyway, this was a lot to write. I was a bit hesitant to write it, because it could be spoilers…but you know…👉👈. This comic or even storyline is unlikely to take off at the rate I’m going so I thought it would be more worth my time to just say it and move on and show you my oh so lovely art. (Not sarcasm, I do actually think my art is lovely.)🤷🏾It was nice talking to you. Have a nice day or night and make sure to stay hydrated.☺️
Nilili. (She’s the mom of Neloni and is around 28-34 here after tragedy in a Jinhi costume)Neloni (around age 15-25 with his hair straightened and cut. He’s wearing darker colors here. Wearing light and pastel colors would be equivalent of wearing black in Western cultures of this world)Noshili. You know. Tatmtar. I struggle drawing their face. They have a very thin top lip and drawing the shape is difficult difficult. The eyes are also difficult because all of them have to have the same eyes as Nilili. Of course, if I drew these particular characters more realistically, their eyes would be a lot different. I don’t think I would because it creeps me out. Seeing them doing more than just 🙂 or 😕 creeps me out.
I know I said I was going to do interaction pictures but I got the dumb idea to color. I mean, coloring is not bad, but I’m not a fan of coloring. I’ve never been a fan of coloring. When I was younger, it used to embarrass me how everyone colored so neatly and I’d color with lines everywhere going everywhere in different directions. As you can see, I still have a lot of that haphazard lines in my work and clearly struggling with hair.
So anyways, just random tidbits about these characters and how I draw them: (I slip up a lot, but it’s a one-man show)
Nilili, Neloni, and Noshili always have a side part to the right of their hair and have bangs that are all similar.
Neloni and Noshili wear girly and/or feminine clothes. Neloni likes tight clothes and hates certain fabrics and will go into a complete meltdown and take hours to calm down after wearing it. He hates wearing makeup and during his career in acting, he’d wipe his face a lot having to redo shots. He also struggles with nail polish but wears dark blue nail polish (a color his husband likes.) Noshili wears clothes that are considered frumpy and baggy. They will not wear tight clothes because they get uncomfortable seeing their body. They wear any kind of makeup and likes to look facially pretty and will ask Noje to do their makeup.
When Noshili has straightened hair, it’s usually a flowing mane, top knot (at home), or a low bun (when out). They always will have a piece of hair that reverts back in the front of their bang.
When Noshili’s hair is curly, they always wear it slicked down with their bangs pulled back, bun, or braids. (Because they have very tangly hair.
Unlike their brother, their hair shape is an upright triangular like 🔺. They have long, black hair and should always be colored with a yellow or green skin color to contrast the hair. (I color their hair the same color as Noje’s skin. Dark purple.)
Neloni is a natural blond. (I didn’t show Nilili’s first husband and Neloni’s dad because I haven’t drawn him, but he carries those genes, but it isn’t a gene that would cause red hair or other types of blond, most light brown hair.)
Neloni is always drawn with an oval head.
Everyone that shares traits with Neloni and Nilili looks either very stank, sad, or very goofy and dazed.
Nilili has jet-black hair but I didn’t draw it that way because 🤷🏾 didn’t know how.
Nilili has an internal color of red and shares that color with Neloni because they were close when she was alive. Meanwhile, Noshili has an earth green color.
Nilili and Neloni have a gap in their two front teeth, Noshili doesn’t.
Neloni and Nilili tilt slightly while listening to people talk and cannot sit still and will move around, rock, and bounce a lot. Noshili jitters and shakes a lot but will sit quietly and probably will sit in the same spot for hours.
Nilili and Neloni yell extremely loud when they talk and when theyre speaking in Kwadi, they talk very slow and have a drawl, but speaking in Jinhi, they speak rapidly fast and sometimes people think they’re yelling.
They’re also both very ditzy and can be easily swindled and are nice to people, especially family. They got lost easily and are terrified of dogs.
All of them enjoy singing. Noshili was taught how to sing by Neloni. Neloni was taught by Nilili.
Neloni named Noshili after his older sister that was taken from him at six years old. Noshili looks up to Neloni but is skeptical of his personality and advice.
Noshili talks very quietly but if they’re irritated they talk extremely fast and use a lot of expletives and threats.
All of them are very tall and bottom heavy. (Neloni is probably 6’5, Nilili is 6’3, and Noshili is 6’2. I’m horrible at catching heights of characters so I struggle.)
Nilili made sure her second husband promised to take care of Neloni and his half brother Nstaid when she died.
Nilili died on Neloni’s birthday when he was twelve and his father, Neshali died the same day when Neloni was six. Neshali was shot dead in front of him by the military.
Neloni nor Noshili do not celebrate their birthday for different reasons and when asked will have different responses. Neloni will get nervous but say something to take off the mood or won’t leave his room and Noshili will start screaming and will try to fight then get in a crying fit and throw up.
Neloni screams at the same time every morning and runs somewhere and either dry heaves in the bathroom or hides and cries and stopped it when he turned 60.
Noshili is terrified of being alone and in the dark and will cry and latch onto people nearby. If Noshili is yelled at, they will sit either teary-eyed or cry. Neloni will yell back and try to fight. (He hates being yelled at.)
Nilili doesn’t cook very well, but her second husband enjoyed her cooking.
All of them are attached to their hair and if it gets damaged or cut off, they will mentally shut off or declare enemies with whomever cut their hair.
Neloni has been arrested and charged with kidnapping even though he didn’t do it. (😂)
Have a nice day, y’all. Sorry for the filler. I am a hot mess.
Okay, y’all. So, basically, I’m forcing myself out of my funk. As you know from my last blog post written in pure rage. 😬😓 (give me a break, I was reading about stuff to improve my art. Improvement has always been the soul crusher in my life)
I absolutely refuse to write long posts and pages about my concultures. I believe I’d rather like to split them up. It is tedious to write about every single character in a long post only for that post to never be looked at again even if I write about said characters. I have no idea if links work for people! So, I rather just split them up into informationals.
I am trying my hardest to communicate with you all the best way I can, but communication has never been my strong suit. Honesty is great too, but I’m trying to give relevant honesty and not honesty that gets on people’s nerves. I like to pretend I’m a good person, but I doubt I am.
I hate to post more than once per day, but it is what it is. I still have more to post and more to talk about.
Tatmtar’s sisterVaraTatmtar’s brother Noje’s cousin by association (she’s not an in-law because legally her grandparents are not legally married, but they have a cultural relationship much like a marriage, but more so, a companionship.Tatmtar’s maternal cousins that I will definitely redraw. They are legally Tatmtar’s cousins without a doubt. Their parents are legally married. (they’re like the strange hillbilly cousins from kid shows, except they’re wealthy and probably are just mildly autistic)Noje’s older half-sister (she’s a clone of her father and a figure named Newe. I will elaborate later. When I redraw her or might draw out how she spawned. She was made in desperation and is very loved)This is Tatmtar’s brother-in-law. He’s very strange but he’s a king or something. I have to worldbuild more to help his status. Sorry. His filler name is on there. Characters have filler names to represent where their culture is based on. As you can see, his name is Portuguese and he’s probably located in a state that is vaguely based on Portugal. (When I say vaguely, I mean it. All these characters and states are like that.🤷🏾)Very outdated picture of Ankweda. It’s nothing wrong with it. The hair and the face are accurate, but if you look at this picture long enough, you can see that the shoulders are very skinny and narrow and the neck is too thin. He’s also supposed to be fatter than that. This is him though when he bleached and loced his hair.This is Noje’s twin sister. Not the best drawing of her. They’re fraternal twins. All my characters look exactly the same but I still manage to make characters not look similar enough. She’s probably going to look more herself when I redraw her. She’s the complete opposite of Noje and likes completely different people and wears completely different clothes and has a completely different shape. Only thing that’s similar is the mirror image dorsal fin hair.This character needs more broader shoulders (a little bit more, not too much. This is Tatmtar’s sibling through cultural marriage. They are in a cultural marriage with Tatmtar’s brother basically. They used to date Zhan when in school but they had a mildly bad breakup when Zhan didn’t want to marry them (😂). Anywho, they are not Adis (based on those clothes) but they like to wear clothes of their heritage.Expect to see more interaction pictures of characters and redrawings of each and everyone. These characters are more around the main character’s ages and are in their paths and they stories and drama around them. I don’t want to make one overarching story, because I didn’t really like doing that with these characters. However, I do enjoy writing and it’ll always come to that in the future.
Drawing can be rewarding but it’s also something I hide from at times. Sometimes I hide from putting characters out here. I mean, they are as they are.
Anyway, it was nice talking to you. Happy End of February. See you. Make sure to get good rest and stay hydrated and healthy.
A flame was lit, it was lit with a match. Lit so it could keep the group warm. But it was short-lived.
The flame couldn’t keep the two warm, and since it couldn’t, the group froze. They didn’t know what to do anymore.
I don’t know really what to say…I received the big ol burnout. Always at this time of the year for classes. I moved my art supplies closer to me so I can still do them, but the passion is dead.
Why?
Because I’m struggling drawing bodies. It doesn’t make me want to stop drawing, it just makes me sad and not want to draw. I don’t have a particular style I’m going for, nor am I going for realism, but they’re just not going how I want. I really want to draw bodies for my characters, but failing is stressing me out. Failing isn’t scary, but it’s disappointing.
As well, it feels so stupid to post time and time because I’m not sure if I’m posting anything of value. I literally cannot bring myself to elaborate more on my ocs. 😔 Not because they’re bad, but I’m an artist and I assume people want to see visual art and not blocks of text. Anytime it’s about a character there’s so much more interactions but I don’t want to keep blasting people with on and on character profiles and no interactions with characters or anything, but I don’t feel like I can draw enough and I bit out more than I can chew. My art style fluctuates in quality too often.
I literally (as I’m not figuratively, literally!) almost had a meltdown over this whole thing. This is out of my comfort zone. Drawing two people together and making them look like they’re apart of the same picture. I know I should do it more, but this picture is exhausting and I got Noje’s dorsal part incorrect. (Should be flipped—that’s my bad)
Both of them look stiff and stale. Feyondo is a pain for me to draw as well. Any time I draw him, I believe a little part of me dies. His design has to look like that though because! It cannot look any other way or that’s not him!
But I know I’m burned out because I’m hiding from doing anything. Even the stuff I love because it looks terrible to me.
However!
The good news with all this is that if you’re turned off by your art, it means you might be improving and gaining insight that you need to change something or study something else, but also take a break.☺️ I’m not going to take a physical break just yet, because I have assignments to do, but I will be taking a break.
I will be taking my disgust with the way I draw bodies and the stiffness of figures (which usually isn’t that much of a problem, I just kinda want them to not be too janky). As well as draw two or more people interacting with each other.😮💨😭
The older I get and the more I get into political issues, the more frustrated I get and the more things bug me or don’t feel worth it to talk about. One of them is identity politics. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like they’re bad or anything, I just find them to be stressful and responses and anger from people are difficult to help or cope with. I don’t think anyone wants to purposely be offensive or make everyone uncomfortable, and for me…I don’t run on spite. At all.
I understand that I’m speaking US politics, so if you aren’t from the US, don’t worry. It’s just not your politics (but you may subscribe to them.)
So, what I mean is that some of my characters go under different brackets of LGBT and queer identities. Some are easier to explain and some aren’t. I don’t want to ever feel like I’m pushing the politics down people’s throats or forcing them to see something they don’t want to see…
The thing about identity, is that that’s the driving force of a lot of people’s personalities and nurture. For example, I’m a Black American. It doesn’t define my personality in a way that makes me act a particular way, but it adds nuances to my actions. For example, if you look at my characters and how they’re designed (I believe), you may be able to tell. You may not, oh well. It gives a big outlook on people’s artwork. I’m also in the B and T region in the LGBT, this affects my characters. Some of them are trans, some of them are cis. Some are straight, gay, bisexual, or some kind of nuance.
Another identity politic is neurodivergency and mental illness. This one is a lot more complex and controversial. Some of the characters go through various different traumatic experiences and events in their lives and some of them are just born different.
I needed a picture to post on here and don’t feel like posting new art. She is not in the LGBT at all, she’s just cute.😂 The closer up you see this picture, the more visible the erased pictures are. I also always managed to leave erasures on my sheet any time I take a picture. So goofy.🤪
I want y’all to know that at a time in my life, I was very concerned with representation and identity and trying to do representation the best way possible and get everyone in, but now in my life my characters are written as they are. Their identities are as they are and they’re important.
I am aware none of y’all asked for this post, but it’s literally been a thing stuck in my head for hours on hours and days on days.
How do I acknowledge my characters for how they are? I understand that people could be offended and will be offended, but how do I write and explain these characters in a way that isn’t preachy, strange, or awkward?
I’m not going to write a list saying all my LGBT characters or explain the fantasy human races because firstly, that’s a lot of work, and secondly I don’t think that’s necessary. You’ll see more interaction posts with characters and maybe I’ll feel comfortable enough to write about them.
I’m not shy at all, but I get nervous and frustrated and I’m still trying to get rid of my SM personality and people pleasing tendencies. It’s like me getting uncomfortable writing in other languages because there’s usually an identity tied underneath it and personality and culture tied underneath that I feel like I’m impeding on. It’s ridiculous because so many people with different cultures and backgrounds write in English, but I still feel like a bad person doing it. For example, if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Spanish. I’m learning Spanish, and I feel like I’m impeding on Spanish speakers cultures and identities by writing stories and content in Spanish—even though I’m not writing about any ethnic groups or culture or anything. It goes into the other languages I’m trying to learn. (and this has nothing to do about cultural appropriation, I’m not whining about that.)
Y’all, I’m feeling stressed out and today, so I’m going to post, but I’ll just give y’all a written out story. Hope you like it, I’m an visual artist before a literati or a writer.😣
As well, some of the stuff here is cultural specific and language specific and since I’m monolingual and unable to speak anything other than English, I will just use English to express their language. Bear with me.
(As well, how my character’s talk is how they talk, I do not talk like this. Thank you.😉)
Left to Right: Atane/ (I don’t have established spellings yet but his name is like Ankweda /ɑ̃.kʷe.ɾə/ [un-kweh-ra but say it like a d if you’re from the US and if you’re Spanish speaking say it like the end of nadar. I’m not sure about other languages, but it’s basically a tap trill]but I’m not a fan of the spelling) and Noshili/Tatmtar
Tatmtar and Ankweda are sitting together on the couch. Tatmtar is sitting with herbal on their hand and thinking about absolutely nothing like usual with a movie on. Ankweda is looking around at random objects in Tatmtar’s family home and gets curious. They pick up some things that Tatmtar confiscates and puts back away causing them to get bored and try to chat.
“Hey, Tatm,” Ankweda said feeling anxious to talk. “You invited me over to hang out, but we aren’t talking…so, are we watching stuff on the monitor together or are we talking?”
Tatmtar sighed and flipped their hair and pushed it back behind their ear with a quick movement. They had very dark black hair that in some lighting looked very black the point it broke reality and other times was so black it shined purple.
“Why I got to talk to you for?” Tatmtar asked aggressively. “You can’t just enjoy my company?”
Ankweda rubbed his neck and did an uncomfortable chuckle; he watched Tatmtar sip their tea. Ankweda didn’t want to watch the movie on the monitor and in fact, he didn’t like Tatmtar’s choices much and thought they had poor taste in films.
“Tatmtar, I enjoy your company a lot,” Ankweda replied, putting his arm around Tatmtar. “But, it would be even better if we talked instead of just sit around. Why don’t we talk about the person on the wall?”
Tatmtar was fuming with anger and frustration. They wanted to watch the movie, not chat! They glared and side-eyed Ankweda. They thought Ankweda rambled too much about nothing and just wanted to be near them without talking.
They groaned and rolled their eyes again and put their tea on the floor and pouted.
“Damn, boy,” Tatmtar fussed. “For what?! I literally don’t want to hear you ramble. I love you and all, dude, but shit…why can’t you just shut the hell up and watch the damn movie?! For fuck’s sake!”
Ankweda felt very uncomfortable and didn’t feel angry but he was mildly scared. Tatmtar ignored them and pouted. Ankweda sighed and sat closer to them and just glanced on the monitor for a second and laid his head on Tatmtar’s lap and played games on the monitor on his necklace. He twisted his little, black ringlets with his fingers and thought he’d ask again in a minute.
Practicing my watercolor and drawing skills. If it looks janky, it looks janky. It’s progress.
Standing there, Standing right there, Composure upright, looking straight ahead.
No tears, No anger, Nothing but looking.
Your ears are not aroused, are they? Your ears are not aroused. Your eyes mean nothing to you, You’re thinking.
No tears, No anger, Nothing but looking.
No thoughts of taste, Clutching your chest.
Standing there. Standing right there. Composure upright, Looking straight ahead.
Hey, y’all. I have been quite busy. Thank you so much for your patience. I just want to ramble about nothing for a while. Why? I just do. I hope it doesn’t annoy you.
Anyway, I cannot bring myself to write and draw out a huge story because of that fear. Not of failing. It’s the fear to start and not finish. I always have to plan for my own self because of my inability to follow through on things as well as burn out.
For these pictures, I was trying to design clothing designs but also just establish color designs for two very important characters. They are Noshili’s brother and sister. Reqina (/ɾe.qɪ.nə/) is the brother and Pitri (/pɪ.t̪ə.rɨ/) is the sister. Pitri is an equivalent of a queen in the state she lives in. Since she is a Revalan, she has the ability to be around very wealthy people at any given moment. She’s married to the equivalent of a king. In the state she’s from, her family has much of the power since they’re extremely wealthy and are everywhere in politics, religion, and entertainment. I mean, I based them of the Medici family, but you know…there’s tons of very powerful families everywhere that are very corrupt. She is just as corrupt as people in her family.
She loves her husband, but she was quick to marry him at sixteen because she hates her family. Since her mom was a bad drug addict and her father was arrested for beating his wife and kids as well as moving funds around from all the companies he was in, she was fostered and adopted by an Ane-Ne Najigi named Nole/Adane/Zhan that at the time, had a cultural marriage to her uncle. He was cool to her, but she couldn’t help being extremely embarrassed by his abnormal behaviors and strange appearance that she rejected him quite often. She regrets it at times, but she’s a stickler on her beliefs and refuses to change them for anyone, including family. She only has a good relationship with Reqina. She doesn’t consider Noshili/Tatmtar a real sibling since they have a different biological father (NOTE HERE: This is a character, this is not my belief. I like to make characters with different personalities, it, however, doesn’t mean I share any of their beliefs) and that they look very different (they all have similar features, Tatmtar just has darker skin and a bit different features) to her idea of family—as well, their existence ruined her mom’s marriage. She never bullies them or attacks them, she just calls them what she seems fit.
Her best traits are that she’s very close to her husband and is his crutch when he’s stressed and they both do similar roles in the family of helping and guiding their children.
They are the same age too—I hope mentioning her age doesn’t make y’all think she married an old man. She didn’t. He’s the same age as her. As well, in this culture, usually couples that get married that are sixteen years old (which is the age of consent there) have to be the same age and no younger and if they’re older, they have to be seventeen and maybe eighteen—if not, people will look at the relationship as foul and you will get slandered and harrassed or shunned.
The other picture with the red background is a drawing of a character within the Revalan family. Look…y’all…it’s hard capturing the vibe of the character. That’s his vibe. I think I will draw him again to how he actually appears when feigning stability or actually is stable. I was mostly working on facial features and drawings and being consistent with family member faces. All members that are related to Damijo biologically have very similar eyes to him and rarely deviate from that (of course, there’s exceptions). I didn’t capture that look very well, but I tried very hard. I literally forgot how I described him in my notes so if he looks drastically different next time you see him, then he looks drastically different. I like going off of what I describe characters as to keep it consistent. Usually when I like the design, the notes don’t matter. This design is a great start.
Anyway, nice seeing y’all. Thank you so much for following.
What did you bring to the potluck? 