Tag: anxiety

Categories
rants

Screw perfection

Being perfect or trying to be hasn’t really helped anyone. It’s a dumb concept and conveniently works with grind culture and other spaces I don’t want to be apart of.

I’m not perfect and I’m not sure if I even want to be anymore. It hasn’t helped me in the past and worked against my confidence. Some things just don’t work for me. I understand some people are okay with things in life and it makes them feel important and they’re amazing, but I’m not cool with a lot of things and they don’t improve my life.

I used to be so upset in school when I used to be called smart and intelligent but I still had to study and it seemed like other people did. I didn’t want to study. I didn’t even like the material! I didn’t enjoy school until I got into eleventh grade because it was more interesting then. I wanted to just be smart. I wanted everyone to keep calling me smart. I didn’t and still don’t feel smart, but I know now it’s just a meaningless label like being lazy, cool, stupid, or mature. I was called mature when I was younger because I didn’t talk, yet I cried every year at school and had some immature issue going on at home. I’m not mature. I still am not mature. I “think differently” than some people but I’m not mature nor am I special. In the classrooms that I’ve been, I’m not that well liked or even cared about. I was never put into special groups and when they’d tell me they like me, I knew they were lying. I didn’t even do my homework, I just talk a lot and want people to hear me.

Anywho, perfectionism was the reason why I didn’t do my homework. It was never advanced enough, never good enough, never worth showing, and if I did it, it was never going to be perfect. I use that annoying site Duolingo and frequently tell myself it’s okay to get less than a 100%. Nobody is watching me and the little characters still get happy when I get an 86% or less. Yet, I don’t feel smart enough. I didn’t try in school because trying and receiving failure was stressful.

I was never an A student. I never had amazing grades. I’ve always been average and always somehow got ok grades. I didn’t and still didn’t read a lot after I peaked at six. So I mean, my perfectionism is nonsensical, but it just so happens that it gets worse.

I can’t do that crap at college. Getting low grades literally make me feel dead inside and like I’m worthless, wasting my mom’s time and money, and I’d be better off dead. It literally is that bad. I hate school but I can’t drop out. I want to learn, but graduation is the only option. My life would be worthless and I’d be a bad person if I drop out. Do I think other people are that way if they drop out? No. Honestly, it’s so exhausting for me to be myself that I can only make comparisons with people in my spaces.

I am a lazy piece of crap. Some people who drop out have classically successful lives I can’t dream of having because they have drive and doesn’t matter if they were in school or not. They have something about them that makes them want to do something. I don’t. I don’t have that skill and I’m not even sure I care enough nor have faith to change it. I cannot see myself in the future really. I can make dreams and think of them but I don’t actually see them as reality nor care about things. I feel in the moment. I have ideas and plans I do in the moment, but when I make goals, sometimes they feel meaningless or not worth achieving.

And I constantly make goals. Regardless how elaborate they are to poorly planned, they don’t really work out as planned. They’re done halfway or are changed and some of those plans are okay. Majority don’t impact my life in an irreversible way, but they keep me average, forgettable, and boring.

It’s like the condescending thing a lot of older people say where there’s an idiot that’s in an obstacle course and instead of thinking of new ways to get over the brick wall, the idiot just keeps hitting the wall with a hammer and getting tired but nothing changes.

And what makes it worse is that I listen to people and their ideas of success—some that aren’t for me but I’m permeable and people can say stuff and I’ll consider it—and I never feel successful. I don’t care if I graduated high school. I don’t care if other people didn’t. I didn’t do things the way I wanted and didn’t graduate in the way that would make me smart or even competitive. I punish myself when my GPA drops. I didn’t in high school even though I should’ve.

I wanted to be those kids that studied for a long time and had no friends. I had no friends. I did the unthinkable and tried making internet friends and failed. If I could be a hermit closed off of the world or single souled (to only be happy/content) and successful, I wouldn’t have to think about my success.

That’s exactly why I just don’t like perfectionism. I don’t like being like that. I don’t like caring about people and doing what they want. I can’t help it. I can’t help wanting attention and appreciation. I just do.

Anyway, see you in a bit.☺️ I just wanted to get it off my chest.

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stories?

Hug

Some things are great,
Some things are bad.
I know you’re glad,
you seal my fate.

My heart beats; my stomach moves,
I look at you,
I feel nervous and drool
As I feel your grooves.

I run for miles to be close to you, you see.
I get so anxious being away.
I think about how you sway,
When I first lie on you; then I dream.

And what you are?
It is obvious.
Categories
artwork

In all seriousness

Okay, y’all. So, basically, I’m forcing myself out of my funk. As you know from my last blog post written in pure rage. 😬😓 (give me a break, I was reading about stuff to improve my art. Improvement has always been the soul crusher in my life)

I absolutely refuse to write long posts and pages about my concultures. I believe I’d rather like to split them up. It is tedious to write about every single character in a long post only for that post to never be looked at again even if I write about said characters. I have no idea if links work for people! So, I rather just split them up into informationals.

I am trying my hardest to communicate with you all the best way I can, but communication has never been my strong suit. Honesty is great too, but I’m trying to give relevant honesty and not honesty that gets on people’s nerves. I like to pretend I’m a good person, but I doubt I am.

I hate to post more than once per day, but it is what it is. I still have more to post and more to talk about.

Tatmtar’s sister
Vara
Tatmtar’s brother
Noje’s cousin by association (she’s not an in-law because legally her grandparents are not legally married, but they have a cultural relationship much like a marriage, but more so, a companionship.
Tatmtar’s maternal cousins that I will definitely redraw. They are legally Tatmtar’s cousins without a doubt. Their parents are legally married. (they’re like the strange hillbilly cousins from kid shows, except they’re wealthy and probably are just mildly autistic)
Noje’s older half-sister (she’s a clone of her father and a figure named Newe. I will elaborate later. When I redraw her or might draw out how she spawned. She was made in desperation and is very loved)
This is Tatmtar’s brother-in-law. He’s very strange but he’s a king or something. I have to worldbuild more to help his status. Sorry. His filler name is on there. Characters have filler names to represent where their culture is based on. As you can see, his name is Portuguese and he’s probably located in a state that is vaguely based on Portugal. (When I say vaguely, I mean it. All these characters and states are like that.🤷🏾)
Very outdated picture of Ankweda. It’s nothing wrong with it. The hair and the face are accurate, but if you look at this picture long enough, you can see that the shoulders are very skinny and narrow and the neck is too thin. He’s also supposed to be fatter than that. This is him though when he bleached and loced his hair.
This is Noje’s twin sister. Not the best drawing of her. They’re fraternal twins. All my characters look exactly the same but I still manage to make characters not look similar enough. She’s probably going to look more herself when I redraw her. She’s the complete opposite of Noje and likes completely different people and wears completely different clothes and has a completely different shape. Only thing that’s similar is the mirror image dorsal fin hair.
This character needs more broader shoulders (a little bit more, not too much. This is Tatmtar’s sibling through cultural marriage. They are in a cultural marriage with Tatmtar’s brother basically. They used to date Zhan when in school but they had a mildly bad breakup when Zhan didn’t want to marry them (😂). Anywho, they are not Adis (based on those clothes) but they like to wear clothes of their heritage.
Expect to see more interaction pictures of characters and redrawings of each and everyone. These characters are more around the main character’s ages and are in their paths and they stories and drama around them. I don’t want to make one overarching story, because I didn’t really like doing that with these characters. However, I do enjoy writing and it’ll always come to that in the future.

Drawing can be rewarding but it’s also something I hide from at times. Sometimes I hide from putting characters out here. I mean, they are as they are.

Anyway, it was nice talking to you. Happy End of February. See you. Make sure to get good rest and stay hydrated and healthy.

Categories
about me artwork rants

Burn out

Mostly drawing or whatever
A flame was lit, 
it was lit with a match. 
Lit so it could keep the group warm. 
But it was short-lived.

The flame couldn’t keep the two warm, 
and since it couldn’t, the group froze. 
They didn’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know really what to say…I received the big ol burnout. Always at this time of the year for classes. I moved my art supplies closer to me so I can still do them, but the passion is dead.

Why?

Because I’m struggling drawing bodies. It doesn’t make me want to stop drawing, it just makes me sad and not want to draw. I don’t have a particular style I’m going for, nor am I going for realism, but they’re just not going how I want. I really want to draw bodies for my characters, but failing is stressing me out. Failing isn’t scary, but it’s disappointing.

As well, it feels so stupid to post time and time because I’m not sure if I’m posting anything of value. I literally cannot bring myself to elaborate more on my ocs. 😔 Not because they’re bad, but I’m an artist and I assume people want to see visual art and not blocks of text. Anytime it’s about a character there’s so much more interactions but I don’t want to keep blasting people with on and on character profiles and no interactions with characters or anything, but I don’t feel like I can draw enough and I bit out more than I can chew. My art style fluctuates in quality too often.

I literally (as I’m not figuratively, literally!) almost had a meltdown over this whole thing. This is out of my comfort zone. Drawing two people together and making them look like they’re apart of the same picture. I know I should do it more, but this picture is exhausting and I got Noje’s dorsal part incorrect. (Should be flipped—that’s my bad)

Both of them look stiff and stale. Feyondo is a pain for me to draw as well. Any time I draw him, I believe a little part of me dies. His design has to look like that though because! It cannot look any other way or that’s not him!

But I know I’m burned out because I’m hiding from doing anything. Even the stuff I love because it looks terrible to me.

However!

The good news with all this is that if you’re turned off by your art, it means you might be improving and gaining insight that you need to change something or study something else, but also take a break.☺️ I’m not going to take a physical break just yet, because I have assignments to do, but I will be taking a break.

I will be taking my disgust with the way I draw bodies and the stiffness of figures (which usually isn’t that much of a problem, I just kinda want them to not be too janky). As well as draw two or more people interacting with each other.😮‍💨😭

As well, don’t forget to stay hydrated!

Categories
about me artwork rants

Identity Politics and stress

The older I get and the more I get into political issues, the more frustrated I get and the more things bug me or don’t feel worth it to talk about. One of them is identity politics. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like they’re bad or anything, I just find them to be stressful and responses and anger from people are difficult to help or cope with. I don’t think anyone wants to purposely be offensive or make everyone uncomfortable, and for me…I don’t run on spite. At all.

I understand that I’m speaking US politics, so if you aren’t from the US, don’t worry. It’s just not your politics (but you may subscribe to them.)

So, what I mean is that some of my characters go under different brackets of LGBT and queer identities. Some are easier to explain and some aren’t. I don’t want to ever feel like I’m pushing the politics down people’s throats or forcing them to see something they don’t want to see…

The thing about identity, is that that’s the driving force of a lot of people’s personalities and nurture. For example, I’m a Black American. It doesn’t define my personality in a way that makes me act a particular way, but it adds nuances to my actions. For example, if you look at my characters and how they’re designed (I believe), you may be able to tell. You may not, oh well. It gives a big outlook on people’s artwork. I’m also in the B and T region in the LGBT, this affects my characters. Some of them are trans, some of them are cis. Some are straight, gay, bisexual, or some kind of nuance.

Another identity politic is neurodivergency and mental illness. This one is a lot more complex and controversial. Some of the characters go through various different traumatic experiences and events in their lives and some of them are just born different.

I needed a picture to post on here and don’t feel like posting new art. She is not in the LGBT at all, she’s just cute.😂 The closer up you see this picture, the more visible the erased pictures are. I also always managed to leave erasures on my sheet any time I take a picture. So goofy.🤪

I want y’all to know that at a time in my life, I was very concerned with representation and identity and trying to do representation the best way possible and get everyone in, but now in my life my characters are written as they are. Their identities are as they are and they’re important.

I am aware none of y’all asked for this post, but it’s literally been a thing stuck in my head for hours on hours and days on days.

How do I acknowledge my characters for how they are? I understand that people could be offended and will be offended, but how do I write and explain these characters in a way that isn’t preachy, strange, or awkward?

I’m not going to write a list saying all my LGBT characters or explain the fantasy human races because firstly, that’s a lot of work, and secondly I don’t think that’s necessary. You’ll see more interaction posts with characters and maybe I’ll feel comfortable enough to write about them.

I’m not shy at all, but I get nervous and frustrated and I’m still trying to get rid of my SM personality and people pleasing tendencies. It’s like me getting uncomfortable writing in other languages because there’s usually an identity tied underneath it and personality and culture tied underneath that I feel like I’m impeding on. It’s ridiculous because so many people with different cultures and backgrounds write in English, but I still feel like a bad person doing it. For example, if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Spanish. I’m learning Spanish, and I feel like I’m impeding on Spanish speakers cultures and identities by writing stories and content in Spanish—even though I’m not writing about any ethnic groups or culture or anything. It goes into the other languages I’m trying to learn. (and this has nothing to do about cultural appropriation, I’m not whining about that.)

Anyway, I’ll see y’all! Thank you for listening.

Categories
about me rants

The Deluge

Was _____ furious at us? of our fear
Of being alive, here, at this moment?

The waters, murky and unclean like our
Morals we pride ourselves and claim of ____ 

O _____, I hope the tears of yours aren’t 
Frustration—the deluge you make, I hope,
Cleanses the world internally and out
And isn’t against us or for anyone.

I haven’t drawn anything. Sorry.

Status Quo 

The comfort of nothing,
The comfort of all.
The comfort is limiting,
The comfort is comforting,
Therefore it must stay,
And none will think of the affects.
One day we will get comfort,
What all may think,
But that comfort is hurting,
It is comfortable.

I’m so angry at everyone all the time and I feel so angry it’s exhausting. Angry.

Opposites don’t attract,
At least not classic ones.
Some things aren’t opposites,
just different.

Nothing changes and when it does, something gets worse, making it hard to notice that there’s change. I’m here to fester like mold while people pretend to be happy on this rock. My brain is empty, but full, I’m angry and hungry. There’s no escape from seething and marinating from misery and when I say my thoughts to let out internal toxicity, my thoughts cause yelling and anger. I am angry a lot. I believe I’m helping.

But I frustrate those around me and they see me as a whiny brat instead of anything worth helping with unhelpful generic advice I’ve done. I know I don’t have traits people usually like and want to be around, I’m not here to be a side character. I don’t want to apologize for my world view or feel bad that I want to talk and contribute and help. People can treat you as a true burden and an outsider for the most generic of beliefs.

I hate feeling guilt or ashamed. I hate being ignored. The only way I would be better if I was attractive, loud or fun, and had stuff to offer to mainstream groups of people, but I don’t so

Categories
artwork rants

Study rant

Imitation is the highest form of flattery.

Mimesis of the artists either means you’re immortal or your livelihood is stolen.
in the Renaissance, a human God.
A master worthy of being worshipped as if he was more than,
A hero.

it doesn’t seem like some people care,
to wonder what makes art of the master’s beautiful.
Or even what makes it good to them.

Mimesis.
Your stuff is worth remixing,
Worth putting in an allegorical concepts…
Worth remixing and rematching.

Others don’t matter unless they have that.

Could anyone be a master?
Or was this destined by a god, deity, evil religious figure.
Why do people make Biblicalesque stories and documentaries
And people willingly watch them,
Feeling some kind of connection.

Why do masters feel fake?
As they never existed…
How can someone deny a god, but worship the essence of a man they don’t know and never will know
and imply a person into them?
Am I simply r———,
Or did I miss out on something else?

That I’m to study these artists,
That there’s an objective truth.
That I’m supposed to like these artists no questions asked.
That their skills, talents, and whatevers are actual objective truths,
instead of opinions from those who hold my soul and other’s souls captive.

I question myself…
Why do I care?
Imitation is the highest form of flattery.
I like posting my art on here because I don’t have to source. Completely irrelevant to the post, but it’s fine. I don’t care.
Categories
about me artwork rants

Learn the rules so you can break them!

I don’t want to go back.

but is it possible to go back
to the old things,
not the good things,
the bad?

and reimagine them
as the good they once were,
the happiness it gave,
the sadness it sheltered.

the bad art that was made…
can I clear my mind to remember what it once was?
it is reasonable to think it is bad because I was told to do better and it moved my heart, causing it to writhe…my eyes glew up with the idea this person wants to help me,
they know the bad,
they can help me.

But did they?
I can’t seem to draw a picture without hearing critiques, never bad, just mindfulness, but never enjoying the task anymore and wanting this perfection.

A teacher cannot teach me perfection,
it doesn’t exist.
Yet, it does. It exists as much as race, religion, government, gender, sex, control.
It has to exist…but I don’t like it.
My liking doesn’t matter,
there are important things.

I don’t exist as an individual, I never have.
everything but.

I am a product,
A statistic,
A follower,
A mistake, an Idiot.

Never something as my own.

My opinions only ruin people’s days, but rarely change them.
I have no influence.
I could disappear,
and the only thing that would be sad is that I’m dead or hurt,
but it doesn’t matter.
cry about the issue and not the person.

And when someone becomes my product,
my statistic, my follower, another mistake, and another idiot under me…

well, I’ll still be nothing.
Old art from three-four years ago. It feels like looking at a completely different person referencing a different thing and the only reason why it’s terrible because it isn’t abstract enough, realistic enough, finished enough, or enough in general.
Categories
artwork rants

Realism rant (bc I can)

I gotta give y’all a heads up. I am a college student that’s getting an visual arts bachelor’s degree. This is an OPINION, not a research article/journal. If I can find “proof,” great. Otherwise, you can just enjoy the writing if it means anything to you.

So, I stumbled upon this argument online.

I can’t say I disagree with most of the points, as I feel neutral about it. But one thing that stuck out to me was the part about having to study realism to have good art?

Tell me y’all, what’s your idea of realism? You probably won’t be wrong, but I’m sure we all will have different opinions on it.

So, what is realism?

Well, realism is when a picture represents reality. It’s simple.

That leads to when a picture is realistic. Commonly when one thinks of realism, they see hyper realism, photo realism, Baroque art, renaissance art, Leonardo da Vinci! Yes, those are realistic, but those aren’t necessarily the same type. In a contemporary art class, I learned the word mimesis—the deliberate copying of the real world. It was a very interesting concept to me because it was never my intention to copy anyone’s art completely. Mimesis, in the book/article we read in class was used to describe copying a picture exactly. The author claims that it is impossible to copy nature exactly and what we are really doing is denotation—which is the literal representation—but that doesn’t mean that we are replicating reality, but in fact, representing it. (This is taken from Reality Remade by Nelson Goodman)

I’ll use a common denotation.

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about me artwork original content

Random

I am feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed with particular unknowns in life and lack of communication:

When ideas meet stress,
They become silent.
Ideas float in the brain,
But they can never escape the mouth or the writing device.
There’s so many words one could know,
But when do they use them?
When was their word choice appropriate?
Was it used well?
It concerns some.

Do words mean anything?
Do you understand other personal languages when people talk?
Does one in a two-person relationship yield?
Does that one become main translator?
It’ll never be clear if one side ever got it.
Trying to tell features by using profiles. (Not fun when you’re rushing.
I realized a particular character couldn’t look a particular way because a character looks like this
Sketches

Anyways, I’ve been a bit stressed with my school work and other things so I haven’t posted even though I said I was.

Anyway, I’m practicing my skills so I’m thinking about writing a “little story.”

Categories
about me artwork original content rants

Art:Depression::Hot Oil:Water

As you can tell, I’ve been slowing down with my content…I’ve been struggling. They say to be very consistent at what you do and it’ll pay off but that’s hard when I’m exhausted all the time. I try very hard to start and do a finished piece, but it’s not quick! It’s some weird assumption that all artists, unless they’re famous and popular can post a fully rendered masterpiece everyday and just do that every day.

However, I can’t. I can give y’all sketches…is that okay? They’ll be about my characters. I know I control my content, but I don’t want my content to be terrible.

Anywho, I probably will post sketches…maybe a sketch everyday. ☺️

This is Adelewe😂 I was practicing drawing their face. They tend to not express with their eyes even though that’s supposed to be their noticeable feature.
Based off a sculpture I saw online.
Cel Solios on the top and the bottom and random cultures
I really like giving people makeup like this. If you go on my Pinterest or research, it seems to be a global thing to have colorful face paint or color the face a color.
Same face syndrome but practice with hair
This is the after of a character w/ longer hair and a lip injection
Ideas for a celebrity!!!

Here’s some sketches I did while not posting stuff.

Categories
about me rants

Random

So, I know I’ve been talking about paints and whatever, but I had to take a break. So, here I am. I struggle with consistency and I try to work on it but it’s a struggle everyday. I think I’m doing okay with this blog, but it’s stressing me out for bigger things like comics. I haven’t drawn my character’s bodies and poses as much as I want to and when I start, I get so anxious that I’m doing terrible or I’m not doing enough or my art is bad or I’m stupid and it’s going to look like garbage so I just research.

It’s hard too when I’m stuck in my head and I don’t know how to communicate what’s going on and things in my life tell me not to communicate. It actually is depressing. I hate to sit here and dump all my problems on y’all, but it’s just that I have nobody that I can just talk to that isn’t shoving advice or blaming me for something. I do want y’all to know I’m still doing my goals, I’m just a bit stressed. 😩

I am still trying to do better. I promise I am. I have one more character I’m going to choose to draw. ☺️ Still thinking of who they are. I’m also going to update the cultures. I’ll get too it. I’m also just still finding inspiration to draw out these characters.

Here’s some music I like! ☺️