Category: about me

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about me rants

I can’t bring myself to talk about the things I want to talk about

I’m not trying to say I don’t care anymore because that would be disingenuous, but I feel like half of my soul has been slurped out of my body and reminds out there leaving me a sad and partially empty and angry individual.

I hate whining because it seems like only a select group of people want to hear it, but dang. I hate this world. And not because it’s villainously bad or anything, it’s the bane of my existence. I cannot and I’m not sure will ever be able to stand people unless I’m sedated. And again, not just evil people that are easy to hate. I hate a lot of well-meaning people who are basking in their false senses of security while dumping every single living problem on everyone else. Not even worrying about their own lives or repercussions because they don’t have to.

I know I sound like a hypocrite. We are all a hypocrite to someone, but some people are so far up to social justice that they don’t do a single thing that is worthy or actually helps people. Same with these so called people that are allegedly the opposite that are PC killers or whatever. They’re not doing anything. Nothing has happened. Nobody has stopped the bad guy. At this point, is it even their goal to? Or to fight amongst another? Why are marginalized groups fighting for representation and yet, not getting a SINGLE DROP of glory. Ultimately, wanting and fighting for your freedom is destroying it.

People don’t want equality, they want to be happy. If you secretly have people a pill to save the world but be equal or a happy pill, I can assure you 77% would choose the happy pill.

Is this a bad thing?

No. Equality isn’t freedom. Human kind doesn’t want freedom. They want to be happy and happy all the time. They don’t care about others. As long as their happy and if they lost dimensions of their soul to be in Heaven, Nirvana, and other joyous places, they’d take it. Nobody cares about, you don’t care about others. I like to believe I do, but tons of well-meaning but self serving people have told me all humans are bad and only care about themselves no matter how many times I tried to argue that I just will go as they say. Their microcosm probably is Hell, itself.

Drawing is my life, but it’s not a need. I don’t breathe art. I’m not an artist. I do drawings and cartoons and some people call it art. I stopped, because frankly, the word meant something to me and it hindered my progress.

I don’t want to be an artist anymore.

Art, by definition, is one of the stupidest and strangest concepts to mankind and only exists to sell a collective universal that doesn’t exist. Kerry James Marshall’s Black art only resonates with me because we are both Black. I cannot relate to the pictures. I don’t have the lived experience. However, galleries and political pictures don’t care.

It’s easier for many people to lump people into groups because it’s convenient and they don’t have to think hard at all to where the point in their head is it has boobs and a skirt, big lips, big hips. It a female. Must reproduce. It got gray sweatpants on and has a beard and features of a male. It a male. Must reproduce. Groups are convenient and some people can’t live without them and have what is like an autistic meltdown when it’s change.

I don’t want someone invalidating my creation as an art object because it doesn’t follow some outdated idea of what it’s supposed to look like. Which brings me to my next point.

Everyone says study realism and anatomy and your art will improve.

TO WHAT?!

What is my artwork supposed to be looking like? I’ve had people share their expectations for me to get better and it tanked my self esteem and my little heart. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IMPROVING ON?!

Everyone says art is soooo subjective and you can do anything you want but then you read an article to improve your way and get dunked with so many (honestly worthless) opinions and if you’re silly and young like me, don’t take them with a grain of salt because everyone is saying that.

So, I learn anatomy and realism…and then break the rules I spent my whole time not having fun or enjoying and going back to cartoons I wanted to draw 300+ years ago…and I look to see that I actually wanted to draw that way even if the art style is bad to everyone…what now? Do I stop enjoying what I love because it’s not good enough?

No offense, but we need to stop telling kids to be themselves. You’re always going to be yourself. You cannot escape your body, your physiology, your mind. Let’s say you’re in a play as Hamlet.

There’s a script, but your choices to act and how to deliver are purely your own and are just as frustrating if you had whatever. Stop telling kids that.

Their enough is never enough and they’ll live with it and if they don’t, I’m sorry. I’m learning the sheer inconvenience and frustration being myself.

My art is not abstract enough to be marketable, my art is not realistic or impressive. My own family ignores my art objects and drawings unless I gaslight them or perform a whole ASPCA commercial for attention.

I don’t enjoy drawing more realistically but I know I have to.

Unless you have an interest that is marketable that everyone likes or you want the glory, you’re going to get ignored or be lucky and have a niche group of people like and want to pay for your interests.

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about me

:)

I’m tired.
I’ll see you later.
👋
It’s a bit wonky

I think I’ll be on a hiatus for a while. I’m putting in too much emotional effort and not enough of what I wanted to do with the website I made. I am going to spend more time on my posts and my content, thus, I am going on a hiatus for a while. I might post WIPs but I need to be serious.

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about me artwork rants

Burn out

Mostly drawing or whatever
A flame was lit, 
it was lit with a match. 
Lit so it could keep the group warm. 
But it was short-lived.

The flame couldn’t keep the two warm, 
and since it couldn’t, the group froze. 
They didn’t know what to do anymore.

I don’t know really what to say…I received the big ol burnout. Always at this time of the year for classes. I moved my art supplies closer to me so I can still do them, but the passion is dead.

Why?

Because I’m struggling drawing bodies. It doesn’t make me want to stop drawing, it just makes me sad and not want to draw. I don’t have a particular style I’m going for, nor am I going for realism, but they’re just not going how I want. I really want to draw bodies for my characters, but failing is stressing me out. Failing isn’t scary, but it’s disappointing.

As well, it feels so stupid to post time and time because I’m not sure if I’m posting anything of value. I literally cannot bring myself to elaborate more on my ocs. 😔 Not because they’re bad, but I’m an artist and I assume people want to see visual art and not blocks of text. Anytime it’s about a character there’s so much more interactions but I don’t want to keep blasting people with on and on character profiles and no interactions with characters or anything, but I don’t feel like I can draw enough and I bit out more than I can chew. My art style fluctuates in quality too often.

I literally (as I’m not figuratively, literally!) almost had a meltdown over this whole thing. This is out of my comfort zone. Drawing two people together and making them look like they’re apart of the same picture. I know I should do it more, but this picture is exhausting and I got Noje’s dorsal part incorrect. (Should be flipped—that’s my bad)

Both of them look stiff and stale. Feyondo is a pain for me to draw as well. Any time I draw him, I believe a little part of me dies. His design has to look like that though because! It cannot look any other way or that’s not him!

But I know I’m burned out because I’m hiding from doing anything. Even the stuff I love because it looks terrible to me.

However!

The good news with all this is that if you’re turned off by your art, it means you might be improving and gaining insight that you need to change something or study something else, but also take a break.☺️ I’m not going to take a physical break just yet, because I have assignments to do, but I will be taking a break.

I will be taking my disgust with the way I draw bodies and the stiffness of figures (which usually isn’t that much of a problem, I just kinda want them to not be too janky). As well as draw two or more people interacting with each other.😮‍💨😭

As well, don’t forget to stay hydrated!

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about me artwork rants

Identity Politics and stress

The older I get and the more I get into political issues, the more frustrated I get and the more things bug me or don’t feel worth it to talk about. One of them is identity politics. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t feel like they’re bad or anything, I just find them to be stressful and responses and anger from people are difficult to help or cope with. I don’t think anyone wants to purposely be offensive or make everyone uncomfortable, and for me…I don’t run on spite. At all.

I understand that I’m speaking US politics, so if you aren’t from the US, don’t worry. It’s just not your politics (but you may subscribe to them.)

So, what I mean is that some of my characters go under different brackets of LGBT and queer identities. Some are easier to explain and some aren’t. I don’t want to ever feel like I’m pushing the politics down people’s throats or forcing them to see something they don’t want to see…

The thing about identity, is that that’s the driving force of a lot of people’s personalities and nurture. For example, I’m a Black American. It doesn’t define my personality in a way that makes me act a particular way, but it adds nuances to my actions. For example, if you look at my characters and how they’re designed (I believe), you may be able to tell. You may not, oh well. It gives a big outlook on people’s artwork. I’m also in the B and T region in the LGBT, this affects my characters. Some of them are trans, some of them are cis. Some are straight, gay, bisexual, or some kind of nuance.

Another identity politic is neurodivergency and mental illness. This one is a lot more complex and controversial. Some of the characters go through various different traumatic experiences and events in their lives and some of them are just born different.

I needed a picture to post on here and don’t feel like posting new art. She is not in the LGBT at all, she’s just cute.😂 The closer up you see this picture, the more visible the erased pictures are. I also always managed to leave erasures on my sheet any time I take a picture. So goofy.🤪

I want y’all to know that at a time in my life, I was very concerned with representation and identity and trying to do representation the best way possible and get everyone in, but now in my life my characters are written as they are. Their identities are as they are and they’re important.

I am aware none of y’all asked for this post, but it’s literally been a thing stuck in my head for hours on hours and days on days.

How do I acknowledge my characters for how they are? I understand that people could be offended and will be offended, but how do I write and explain these characters in a way that isn’t preachy, strange, or awkward?

I’m not going to write a list saying all my LGBT characters or explain the fantasy human races because firstly, that’s a lot of work, and secondly I don’t think that’s necessary. You’ll see more interaction posts with characters and maybe I’ll feel comfortable enough to write about them.

I’m not shy at all, but I get nervous and frustrated and I’m still trying to get rid of my SM personality and people pleasing tendencies. It’s like me getting uncomfortable writing in other languages because there’s usually an identity tied underneath it and personality and culture tied underneath that I feel like I’m impeding on. It’s ridiculous because so many people with different cultures and backgrounds write in English, but I still feel like a bad person doing it. For example, if you don’t know what I’m talking about. Spanish. I’m learning Spanish, and I feel like I’m impeding on Spanish speakers cultures and identities by writing stories and content in Spanish—even though I’m not writing about any ethnic groups or culture or anything. It goes into the other languages I’m trying to learn. (and this has nothing to do about cultural appropriation, I’m not whining about that.)

Anyway, I’ll see y’all! Thank you for listening.

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about me artwork rants

I’m absolutely exhausted

Other than nature coming after my body, being online gives me so much exhaustion and really makes me genuinely hate people or being online. The irritating thing about life is that it’s great to exist but other people are absolutely terrible.

Why do people like bringing more people here? Why?

Anyway, I’m tired of people saying there’s no jobs or AI is taking over. It’s exhausting. I hate being critically online but I feel I have nothing else. I’m tired of exhausting people and feeling bad about it later. I’m constantly told that I need particular things and need to do particular things for my life to have meaning and I can tell you, 100% that I feel like garbage. It’s probably just my sour personality. I’m the problem.

Personally I don’t care about showing my fails to people. This one was a straight fail with a good learning lesson. Laugh with me and not at me. It’s janky, y’all.
I drew this one late at night (an hour or so after the one on the sheet. Holding coloring pencils funnily are terrible for my hands.
I drew this in the morning. She could be ugly to people but in my opinion, her expression and look looks a bit stale (not her face)

I want to draw and color but it doesn’t bring joy and kind of makes me sad. It’s temporary, but it’s dragging my mood down.

How do you live in such a world
and don’t understand a soul?
Walking around aliens,
Yet that’s who you are.

You isolate yourself,
and choose not to understand people,
as if you’re entitled to their opinion.
You have no authority.

Stay in your place.

I drew this a while back, but I feel like this right now.

😒

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Comfort Zone

I have nothing to post because I started school. trigger warning: rant and self hatred

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about me artwork original character original content rants

Ideas for stylization

As you know, I’m practicing on stylizing and I spoke about the frustrations of styling characters and leaving out features to make the drawing process faster. I did basically a sequential outline on how I want the characters to move or whatever it’s a struggle still, but less of a struggle. The characters here are in their late twenties but you wouldn’t know that because it’s hard to discern their age (I mean, I struggle with that in general) and give them a defining quality. Some people know how to make eyes look so beautiful and uniquely drawn with beautiful expressions. I can give expressions but the eyes are kinda not giving.

Anyway, the drawing inconsistencies are laziness and impatience. It was truly a headache to draw it this way, but it wasn’t terrible.

On the image above, there are two characters—Neloni/Damijo and Sadorno/Madenna. They’re getting married. This scene is before the wedding. If you can’t read my handwriting, let me know. Anyway, they’re a hot mess. I wanted to capture their typical expressions and how the characters move. Damijo fidgets and rocks a lot when he moves and is known to pace and not stand still. Sadorno is a very internal person and her movements are more stiff but dramatic—especially when she’s in her angry or guilt tripping mode. She’s swift and sharp.

Sadorno/Madenna
Neloni/Damijo
Here are the characters with more details on their faces. Sorry the picture of Neloni isn’t colored, I cannot establish a skin tone for him. He’s darker than Sadorno but not as dark as his child Nashali or even as dark as Noshili.

I’ll show you further why it’s difficult for me to simplify characters—the point I made last time I post.

Noshili and Reqina (left to right)
Noshili
Clockwise: Noshili, Reqina/Nadoni, Damijo/Neloni
Look y’all…these are done on ok paper so I get ok results! Do not come for me! As well, I know my character’s faces change a lot…but I can’t help it! It’s one of the best and worst qualities of art. As well, I’m covering up a horribly done curly haired version of Noshili. Noshili and Nadoni have very curly four type hair. I’d post it on here, but I need to draw it better.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

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about me artwork original character original content

Fueling my excitement!

Hi!!!!

I’m so excited that school is starting back up again for me! I’ve made a palette and collected my ideas for my new projects. I will still take out my time to post on here.

Here’s my palette! It’s not a diverse or “useful” palette but its fun to paint with. I don’t like painting with things just because they’re useful and realistic. I like painting with stuff because it’s fun and interesting. Figuring out what is interesting and nice to me is what I prefer.

I also am still trying to figure out places to post a comic/sequential art without having to worry about it being digital only. I don’t know that many and I still have to figure out what is the best site.

I’m also really really excited for some new purchases and mixtures and hope they do well.

Sorry about my handwriting. Here’s Noshili and Atane meeting each other.

Anyway, I’m trying to find a convenient style for making comics. I get tired easily and when I plan stuff, I have to do it immediately or there’s a chance I won’t get to it after a while. So! I’m trying to simplify. The easier part is that it’s easy to make silhouettes and shapes with my characters, the difficult part is abstracting them and capturing their age.

A lot of my characters vaguely have very similar features and the things I’m taking away from them to abstract them are their defining features. For example, Noshili, and two characters Neloni and Nadoni. They have different lips but their eyes are exactly the same as they’re all related. They all have different postures and stances and different skin colors and hair but it would be very hard to capture that without seeing their whole face. I know it’s not gonna be that big of a deal, but I don’t want to get made fun of for same face syndrome!

As for other qualities, eh. I think they’ll be fine. I just have to work on gestures and showing emotions.

It’s not on watercolor paper but I am not a purist so I don’t care.

I’ve also been testing acrylics (not even appropriate ones—oops!) to try out with watercolors and they’re honestly the best. The thing is, they add a texture to the watercolors but when they’re thinned down and don’t have that nasty plastic flavor to it, they actually are able to have watercolors be painted on top. They aren’t resoluble though so while they can be lifted while wet, they’re not going to rewet and you can’t lift afterwards. It kinda solves my glazing problem to an extent. I want to do watercolor portraits that have vague qualities to old master paintings or have that energy but nothing is similar to it. These help a lot. I’ve also found a deep love for ultramarine. My heart and soul go to ultramarine (for now) and I love how it looks. If you know me, I used to hate royal blue and colors that look like it (not to anything that has to do with sports teams or anything, just hated it) but watercolors made me love it.

There are some colors that are perfect for being the main focus in paintings and that’s ultramarine blue and violet right now for some. As of now, I try to do focal points with colors that are important to each character. For example, Noje is a big fan of yellow so if I had her on a painting, that would be her focal point, but if I had Feyondo on there, his focal point would be blue.

The reason why I don’t elaborate sometimes on colors because they change and typically when it comes to some characters and their “soulmates” they always have complementary colors on the additive spectrum. However, with paints, that’s not additive and is more subtractive so these can change. I do not have an exact color for them, just a color family. It has something to do with their dreamstate/micosi /mɨ.kɔ.si/.

I am so excited to share more with y’all about more stuff!☺️ As well, my wattpad account is on my homepage. 🙂

Another study to see how much I can simplify. It was kinda difficult drawing these characters fast as possible but it wasn’t difficult to get their energy and movements as well as line qualities. The actual look is a little 😬. As well, this is Noshili and Atane again.
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about me rants

The Deluge

Was _____ furious at us? of our fear
Of being alive, here, at this moment?

The waters, murky and unclean like our
Morals we pride ourselves and claim of ____ 

O _____, I hope the tears of yours aren’t 
Frustration—the deluge you make, I hope,
Cleanses the world internally and out
And isn’t against us or for anyone.

I haven’t drawn anything. Sorry.

Status Quo 

The comfort of nothing,
The comfort of all.
The comfort is limiting,
The comfort is comforting,
Therefore it must stay,
And none will think of the affects.
One day we will get comfort,
What all may think,
But that comfort is hurting,
It is comfortable.

I’m so angry at everyone all the time and I feel so angry it’s exhausting. Angry.

Opposites don’t attract,
At least not classic ones.
Some things aren’t opposites,
just different.

Nothing changes and when it does, something gets worse, making it hard to notice that there’s change. I’m here to fester like mold while people pretend to be happy on this rock. My brain is empty, but full, I’m angry and hungry. There’s no escape from seething and marinating from misery and when I say my thoughts to let out internal toxicity, my thoughts cause yelling and anger. I am angry a lot. I believe I’m helping.

But I frustrate those around me and they see me as a whiny brat instead of anything worth helping with unhelpful generic advice I’ve done. I know I don’t have traits people usually like and want to be around, I’m not here to be a side character. I don’t want to apologize for my world view or feel bad that I want to talk and contribute and help. People can treat you as a true burden and an outsider for the most generic of beliefs.

I hate feeling guilt or ashamed. I hate being ignored. The only way I would be better if I was attractive, loud or fun, and had stuff to offer to mainstream groups of people, but I don’t so

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WordPress is getting on my nerves

I’m sorry if it seems like I’m replying late or accidentally ignored your comments. I literally cannot see some of them unless I look for them because they get buried deep in the comments thing and I don’t get a notification. 😞

It actually made me frustrated because I didn’t want this to be my New Years post, but it is what it is!

Here’s some swatches I’ve been working on. Ultramarine Blue (PB29) is such a basic color but it’s so meaningful to me. The granulation is always so breathtaking on it. It’s a shame that Phthalo green is mildly toxic and has copper because it’s so cute. PG7 and PG36 are so beautiful to me because of their vibrancy and saturation. The saturation always makes my heart melt but I agree with others…they’re TERRIBLE to mull and they’re like grape juice on a carpet when it comes to staining.

Okay, since this is random, I’m just going to ramble and gush.

So, recently I tried Rose Madder (NR9) and fell in love with it. I tend to make notebook art and sketchbook art so it doesn’t stress me out, but that is one beautiful color! I want to try Michael Harding’s watercolor version instead of Winsor and Newton, but I don’t have Michael Harding money so I’ll probably just try Etsy in the future. Alizarin Crimson PR83, isn’t the same to me though I like it.

I’ve also gotten into desaturated colors like PG23 (Green Earth) and PG17 (Chrome Green Oxide). My heart goes out to both of them because they can be very similar but PG23 is low tinting, weak, and transparent and PG17 is the opposite! I just really like looking at those colors. I don’t know how either could just sit in my palette, but they are and I will find a way to include them.

I really like PV15 (Ultramarine Violet) and PV16 (Manganese Violet) . Since I just started getting into diverse color shades, I have been trying to find different colors and those stuck out to me. They are some of my favorite colors because I love purple, and I love granulating colors and they are extreme granulating colors. PV62 from Schminke is granulating and Violet, but it’s more of a huge let down because it’s hard to rewet and kind of just doesn’t look good by itself. I hate to buy convenience colors, but in the future, I will ONLY use PV62 in convenience mixtures. I think that I’m going to be looking for something that looks similar to PV15 and PV16 that isn’t granulating. I think PR88 (Thioindigo Violet) is okay. (I want to show y’all the color, but I don’t understand how I got this paint because it’s extinct and nearly impossible to buy…I honestly am shocked but amused.) If anyone has any suggestions that aren’t PV19 or PR122, I’ll give it a listen.

Colors that I always will like no matter what are PR259, PR179 (Perylene Maroon🤤😮‍💨), and PR101 (Red Iron Oxide). PR259, or Ultramarine Pink is a pretty, desaturated pink color. Bright compared to other colors but earthy. PR259 is so similar to PR233 but is higher tinting and doesn’t look serious.

So, here’s a color wheel I painted when making a palette. Counterclockwise is PR259 (Ultramarine Pink), PR108 (Cadmium Red Light), PO67 (Pyrazoloquinazolone Orange), PY35 (Cadmium Yellow Deep), PY129 (Green Gold), PG26 (Cobalt Green Deep), PB32 (Smalt?), PV14 (cobalt violet) PV16 (Manganese Violet), PV15 (Ultramarine Violet), and PV29 (Perylene Violet).

I’ll see y’all later.

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Learn the rules so you can break them!

I don’t want to go back.

but is it possible to go back
to the old things,
not the good things,
the bad?

and reimagine them
as the good they once were,
the happiness it gave,
the sadness it sheltered.

the bad art that was made…
can I clear my mind to remember what it once was?
it is reasonable to think it is bad because I was told to do better and it moved my heart, causing it to writhe…my eyes glew up with the idea this person wants to help me,
they know the bad,
they can help me.

But did they?
I can’t seem to draw a picture without hearing critiques, never bad, just mindfulness, but never enjoying the task anymore and wanting this perfection.

A teacher cannot teach me perfection,
it doesn’t exist.
Yet, it does. It exists as much as race, religion, government, gender, sex, control.
It has to exist…but I don’t like it.
My liking doesn’t matter,
there are important things.

I don’t exist as an individual, I never have.
everything but.

I am a product,
A statistic,
A follower,
A mistake, an Idiot.

Never something as my own.

My opinions only ruin people’s days, but rarely change them.
I have no influence.
I could disappear,
and the only thing that would be sad is that I’m dead or hurt,
but it doesn’t matter.
cry about the issue and not the person.

And when someone becomes my product,
my statistic, my follower, another mistake, and another idiot under me…

well, I’ll still be nothing.
Old art from three-four years ago. It feels like looking at a completely different person referencing a different thing and the only reason why it’s terrible because it isn’t abstract enough, realistic enough, finished enough, or enough in general.
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Random

I am feeling quite anxious and overwhelmed with particular unknowns in life and lack of communication:

When ideas meet stress,
They become silent.
Ideas float in the brain,
But they can never escape the mouth or the writing device.
There’s so many words one could know,
But when do they use them?
When was their word choice appropriate?
Was it used well?
It concerns some.

Do words mean anything?
Do you understand other personal languages when people talk?
Does one in a two-person relationship yield?
Does that one become main translator?
It’ll never be clear if one side ever got it.
Trying to tell features by using profiles. (Not fun when you’re rushing.
I realized a particular character couldn’t look a particular way because a character looks like this
Sketches

Anyways, I’ve been a bit stressed with my school work and other things so I haven’t posted even though I said I was.

Anyway, I’m practicing my skills so I’m thinking about writing a “little story.”

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Art:Depression::Hot Oil:Water

As you can tell, I’ve been slowing down with my content…I’ve been struggling. They say to be very consistent at what you do and it’ll pay off but that’s hard when I’m exhausted all the time. I try very hard to start and do a finished piece, but it’s not quick! It’s some weird assumption that all artists, unless they’re famous and popular can post a fully rendered masterpiece everyday and just do that every day.

However, I can’t. I can give y’all sketches…is that okay? They’ll be about my characters. I know I control my content, but I don’t want my content to be terrible.

Anywho, I probably will post sketches…maybe a sketch everyday. ☺️

This is Adelewe😂 I was practicing drawing their face. They tend to not express with their eyes even though that’s supposed to be their noticeable feature.
Based off a sculpture I saw online.
Cel Solios on the top and the bottom and random cultures
I really like giving people makeup like this. If you go on my Pinterest or research, it seems to be a global thing to have colorful face paint or color the face a color.
Same face syndrome but practice with hair
This is the after of a character w/ longer hair and a lip injection
Ideas for a celebrity!!!

Here’s some sketches I did while not posting stuff.

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Random

So, I know I’ve been talking about paints and whatever, but I had to take a break. So, here I am. I struggle with consistency and I try to work on it but it’s a struggle everyday. I think I’m doing okay with this blog, but it’s stressing me out for bigger things like comics. I haven’t drawn my character’s bodies and poses as much as I want to and when I start, I get so anxious that I’m doing terrible or I’m not doing enough or my art is bad or I’m stupid and it’s going to look like garbage so I just research.

It’s hard too when I’m stuck in my head and I don’t know how to communicate what’s going on and things in my life tell me not to communicate. It actually is depressing. I hate to sit here and dump all my problems on y’all, but it’s just that I have nobody that I can just talk to that isn’t shoving advice or blaming me for something. I do want y’all to know I’m still doing my goals, I’m just a bit stressed. 😩

I am still trying to do better. I promise I am. I have one more character I’m going to choose to draw. ☺️ Still thinking of who they are. I’m also going to update the cultures. I’ll get too it. I’m also just still finding inspiration to draw out these characters.

Here’s some music I like! ☺️
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about me rants

Talking : ignore if you don’t like rants

I hate to give up, but I’m tired of feeling like I’m not being heard or anyone cares about my opinion so I just am going to try hard to not give it or really talk to people like that. I don’t think I’m smarter than them, I just feel like I’m rude and offensive.

I’m tired of always feeling like I’m weird. If I’m too bold I’m annoying but if I’m quiet I need to talk more. I don’t want to keep doing that. I think people need to just leave people alone. I was way happier not talking to anyone and contributing to conversations

Anyway, I didn’t have anything prepared and I missed a post day :/ so here we go!

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about me rants

Striving for perfection doesn’t help everyone

I feel like I’m a very permeable person—every single little comment could offend me, burn me out, affect me in the worst ways. I understand that you’re not supposed to show your weaknesses or say them or be transparent about it because people will hurt you but it’s exhausting being permeable because I don’t know if I’m going to break or I’m just going to get wounded from something and won’t grow.

I’m also a perfectionist that won’t do something if it’s not perfect and will sabotage their grades and embarrass themselves over failure. Some types of compliments like good, cute, alright, and nice will make me upset or even aggressive when it’s just a sweet compliment. Bad critique is true, good critique is false, compliments are lies. It’s terrible here!

Gif from The Simpsons
Another gif from The Simpsons
This is literally how I’ll react with some things that aren’t even that bad or a drawing because I’m a mess.

(I’m ONLY speaking for myself, but if these apply to you, great!)

I don’t like how that is, but somewhat it’s my nature and I have to work around it. One way is to stop striving for perfection. It’s completely unnecessary and stupid, also means reevaluating goals. A lot of my goals are a reflection of outside people’s ideas of success, worthiness, authority, and the perfect way to live and not only can I not live that way, but it’s actively hurting me. I feel like I’m getting dragged against concrete and scuffing my legs and refusing to stop.

This isn’t even taking the road less traveled, this is straight up figuring out what I actually want to do and developing the confidence to do that sort of thing. It’s exhausting hearing all these voices talking as if they know me and they’re not even nice about it either.

Some days I just want to quit art. It seems like it’s my “talent,” but it’s not. There’s nothing that I’m just good at and even if I was, people likely don’t want see it. I am not in the mood to sell my art, I shouldn’t be putting anything out for attention, and I should focus on my own control.

Anyone else a perfectionist or know anyone like that?

I’ve shared to y’all art that goes in the not what I want but okay area and I’m showing them here.

I know artists and bloggers say to only show your best side and only show your good art, but these are good art, just not completing the goal in my head or lack the line quality, distinguishable features, or essence of my character.

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about me artwork introduction original characters original content

Hihi

Welcome to my blog.

I don’t know why I named it why I did, but it’s my blog.

Anyways, I am twenty-two as of now and I’m Black and somewhere in the nonbinary spectrum. I am an artist foremost, but I have other interests.

This is a (older) picture of Noje.

I make a variety of characters and draw them out. Here’s some from one story I have. It looks like a lot of characters but there’s only a few that are main. Some of them just look nice so I draw them a lot. I don’t really like character charts but I may post about them. I’m also very lazy.

One thing is that I wrote the characters chosen pronouns or ones they’re okay with. Some of them frequently are misgendered or they may not look like how they appear. Too bad. Characters without a listed pronoun can be called anything—they likely just don’t care about anything.

If you consider this cringy, I’m sorry but you’d probably have a headache with all my content because I’m that ho. And I mean, they are lines on a 2D background and I’m a 3D walking bag of flesh, if you want to be cheeky you can misgender the characters or me but I don’t know what you’d gain out of it.

Namani (she/her)
Unnamed as of now (he/him)
Flurisha (he/him)
Filler name as of now is Felipe (he/they)
I don’t have the actual name of the identity of Solisi 😰
Nole/Adane (he/him)
Unnamed as of now
Taldejan (they/she)
Horinzo
Sade Sadorno (she/her)
Nemani (she/they them)
Here is Cel Solie makeup.
Piropini (she/her)
Left to Right: Nexe (she/her) and Ane Nemene (she/her)
Sholi Celesi (he/him)
Nashali (she/her)
Noshili (she/her)
Ane Natale/None (she/they)
Nejame/Nahande
Unnamed (she/her)
Nadoni (he/him)
Feyondo
Naahale (he/him)
Triste (she/her)
Adelewe (they/she)
Nedani (he/him)
Noshili (they/them)
Nelsholi Neloni (he/him/they/them)

I may absolve my chronic laziness and post about them. Also, y’all are free to use the names on the pictures. However those are filler names. I supplied y’all with cultural names. I will write about that later.

Have a nice one and stay safe and make sure to take care of yourself.