Character building, but not anything specific Stories

Writing as one of my ocs

I typically don’t like walking out
When it is unruly blackness and I
Have to watch where I am going in fear
I will not make it home for supper; it
always makes me fearful. I stay awake

Thinking about the night. I remember
Looking at the abyss and two eyes there
Peered in front of me, opening; I didn’t
wait to see if a smile would appear ‘cause
I took off running to my wife and kids.

I was in the mood to write poetry and use a syllable counter to write each line with ten syllables. I do not know how to write with iambs and feet or really understand how to do any of that stuff. No matter how much I read on it, I don’t understand. I don’t understand it even to make a conlang.

There are just humongous holes in my linguistics and it’s ridiculous how I have characters that are highly educated and intelligent and skilled with abilities that I do not possess or aren’t at the level yet. I want to be great a lot or call myself a polymath, but I’m a bonehead as of now. A young bonehead.

Unrelated and More About Me

It’s almost summer break!

Looking back at my new years goals, I want to see exactly what I did. I’m looking at my goals.

  • Make a blogger with art stuff on it

I made a different blog recently, but, I have started this, it’s a wix site. It’s to host some stuff for YouTube.

  • Start cleaning my computer and phone to prepare for videos

😞 I started, but didn’t finish.

3. Start developing sketches for sketchbook

  • Draw more (this one is literally vague on purpose as it’s more of a vibe and not a particular goal. I want to feel like I draw more) and try to be more on theme with the story or try to start a comic or do some pages of sequential art.

Did and will do

  • Update this account more often. (And I mean having at least 52 posts)

Doing well.

  • Find an audience on here.


  • Write and finish my Wattpad story. I write updates and not writing and editing.

😂 nope

  • I forgot what I was putting here.


Rants and Rambles

Off my chest, onto paper

I’m in a quite tangy impossible mood right now. Not about the topic I’m talking about.

So, I hear a lot of people say people have bad art and claim that it’s just their style and they refuse to improve.

😞 I already know this is an unpopular opinion, but it’s my opinion unfortunately.

Mind your business.

We all have different tastes, wants, needs, desires, wishes. As long as you ask a person and they’re honest and can show you why they like something in a way they can understand, you’ll never understand why they do art like that or why they even like it.

Why am I complaining?

It’s only a choice to draw ‘badly’ if you can draw realistically, otherwise you are hurting your progress.

You hear all the time to learn the rules turn break them…but the thing is. When do you learn all the rules? When do you learn all the rules? When are you finally able to draw your perfectly imperfect, wonky, poor anatomy drawings again?

It’s like, is my aesthetic supposed to change to realism so I can create art that looks like instagram explore page art that frequently gets stolen by AI creators? Am I supposed to make old master paintings?

Or is this a ploy to get rid of artists so the competition can go back down?

My taste is my taste. If my taste is bad to you, that’s fine. It’s just my taste.


It’s annoying how artists and critics talk about improving. Some of them can’t compliment you, they just talk about improving over and over again.

It’s like, improve what?! What am I supposed to be improving? Drawing something differently? What?

Also, telling people who didn’t ask, tips that help you improve but may not help anyone is annoying.

I will not do a 100 hands study. I will not. It’s not going to inspire me and make me a better artist, I’m just going to burn out on the tenth hand then think I’m pathetic for not doing it perfectly and keep redoing the same thing over and I’m going to take my anger out on people. I personally rather not.

I don’t even want to anyway. I always feel like when I’m forced to do it that if I don’t do it perfectly, I failed. If I do a tutorial and it isn’t perfect, I failed. I don’t like having that energy around me. Those thoughts swirl in my brain the coagulate then spin around my head like the solar system. I have to think about every single little critique, opinion, or other crap in my head when I draw and it tired me—I lose stamina. It’s truly exhausting.

I don’t mind constructive criticism—I’ll argue because I’m sensitive—but in the long run, I consider it. But hearing, “keep drawing, you’ll improve” or “you need to improve” is a migraine-GERD inducer.

Don’t tell me to keep drawing. I draw a lot. Not everyday, but often enough.

It just pisses me off how it’s just improvement culture everywhere, hiding behind tutorials culture too.

It’s fine going on professionals and looking at how they do stuff or your favorite artist, but if you’re just fussing on a Tiktok or Pinterest tutorial for or against it, you’re wasting your time and you’re definitely doing stuff for validation.

I’m still learning this lesson slowly that nobody can give the validation that I want. If I’m looking for it, I’m not going to find it and I need to validate myself because oh my.

You can only tell so much to people. That’s why this rant is a rant and not one of those “things not to tell an artist”. I’m not going to tell you what to do. I’m assuming everyone who reads my blog is a conscious, opinionated individual that thinks for themselves and does what they want and potentially may care for other people, but they’re primarily self-serving.

I cannot and WILL NOT tell ANYONE what to do. I’ve learned my lesson. I don’t have the authority, charisma, and looks. I’m just a cute idiot with a blog and art supplies. However, I know for a FACT that I’m entitled to rant and I’m entitled to share my rant.

If you disagree, that’s completely fine! Do share why! I wanna know what your thoughts are. If you agree, share your thoughts.

artwork Hauls Reviews

Schminke Horadam Dot Card

Look y’all, I’m on my last day for the streak I wanted of ten days. Never doing that again. I hate scrambling for content and stupidly trying to do things on another. I only have two modules to go and I feel like I got punched in the face from somatic issues related to stress.

Unrelated to me!

These swatches are absolutely stunning. I really love Schminke already, they’re just a bit expensive for my taste! If I sold my art, I would totally buy some of these.

I’d hate to put a long list since this list is bigger than Winsor’s, I will discuss the color families I like. (Because otherwise, y’all would be here for hours or skip over boredly.) Some colors have a heart on them if I like them.

Earth yellows

Even though a lot of these were convenience mixtures and don’t show “true color-mixing skill,” they’re awfully beautiful. I really love the ones that offer opacity and brightness. I have no idea how they mix, but I know I’d use them diluted or in mass tone. These particular paints also went down smoothly even though they’re earth colors and granulating.🥺

Earth Reds

The more opaque the color is of this group, the more I love it. I do love when they’re transparent because they have a look I can’t explain, but the opaque ones feel comforting and heavy—like hot, thick soup on a winter day. I just cannot explain why these abstract examples make sense to me, but they do. Earth Reds are comforting, especially that English Venetian Red.🥰🥰🥰

Earth Browns

Earth browns are some of my favorite families in all watercolor brands hands down. There’s so many variations, varieties, textures, strains, hue changes, so on. They’re also typically the cheapest. I would never recommend a palette for someone, but these will be in a palette.

Back when I was younger, other than coloring some skin tones, I avoided browns in my art. I just didn’t really care for it and rather would have vibrant art. Vibrancy is still okay, but browns make vibrant colors vibrant. Brown is about equivalent to black and white.

It is the mixture of tertiary colors, complementary colors, or black and potentially white with hues. It’s great to mix those colors and get “muddy” variations.

Black and Whites

Same thing I said about browns. They add a different look to a painting and I think they’re fun to mix with. ☺️

Yellows and Oranges

I really liked Vanadium Yellow, chromium yellow light, transparent yellow, all the cadmium yellows, and pure yellow of the yellows because they are bright and clean. Some of them are very opaque which is good to me, but I know I can’t mix them with other colors who aren’t or they’ll look thick or ashy (chalky is the word, but chalk reminds me of the filler and ashiness is just what goes on top of something like legs, so I will use that.)

To be honest, like I said on my last swatch dot card that I love oranges? Well, I loved all of them. Especially Saturn Red.🥺 How is a color that beautiful? It borders between orange-red and red-orange and I love that.

I loved all the red-oranges too. If someone told me that I had an unlimited budget to buy what I wanted, I’d buy those first. They’re my soft spot. I did not like red-orange and orange-red when I was younger because I thought they were overrated, but I can totally get why people liked them.

Red and Violet

…eh? They were a bit…mid. Like, don’t get me wrong, I loved the perylenes, the quinacridones (the ones with the actual names), and the madders, but the colors offered in some other brands are cheaper so it’s…really not worth the buy. All of them are beautiful.

Violet and Blue

Manganese violet for the win. That is one truly fantastic color and this one was quite vibrant. My second favorite is ultramarine violet. 😅 I usually love this color in all brands, but I might consider this one because it’s sooo vibrant and actually still has some paint left over so you know it’s one that will last.😉😉

My favorite blues are also very biased…so, I leaned towards more the colors between delft blue and Paris blue. They just had that affect on me. I want to try ultramarine finest. It sounds very promising to have a less granulating ultramarine. Though, I do love granulating ultramarines.

Blue to Green

Usually I love chromium green oxide, but that one made me angry because it had limited paint on the dot card.😡 Anywho, olive green yellowish is something else!😍😍 Normally I hate colors that are convenience mixtures of green because they’re overhyped and I get my hopes up and their mixes upset me, but that one…that one had me stunned. I also liked sap green too. Cobalt green is a color I tried so hard to hate, but I’ve fallen into submission. I love it. (In this brand, idk about others, I’m sensitive).

However, I actually hated permanent green, May green, helio green (usually I like this one too…), and earth green (this brand). May green looking paints are always a terrible color when I mix them. They always look bad.😕 Permanent green isn’t ugly or anything, I’m just a hater and I just want to hate on it, and earth green was ridiculous to rewet.😡 This brand has no fillers really or that much binder to pigment and I’m in a humid climate yet it was ridiculous. 😡And even more ridiculous is that this is a dang convenient mixture and not PG23 makes it even more of a headache. I’ve had trash cheap brands rewet better. Still a beautiful color.

Overall, Schminke has lovely colors and paint and even if I got colors I hated, I’d still enjoy using them. This is just dot cards and not the best representative of the brand.


Who we are

Feyondo (I feel bad for not putting new art for characters and showing one that I didn’t even like…)
There are so many worlds to chose at the time,
so many journeys and adventures to explore.

That’s for you to ponder,
you don’t need the validation.
Sketches of how I think I should draw Najigi males. I know I shouldn’t care too much if they’re feminine looking or masculine, but it’s just as—if not more—exhausting if I don’t. I still have to care about believably.

Sorry for the low quality post today. I have been struggling to string content and while I’m drawing, some doodles are not what I’d post here.

artwork Character building, but not anything specific The Framework Characters of Qoot!



So, you know…I ran out of things to post…I really want to get my streak up on WordPress and I feel soooo stupid for caring, but practically, these next posts are going to be scheduled. I need to do my homework and I can’t keep pushing it back because I don’t feel like it. I refuse to have this Calculus class drop my GPA.😮‍💨😮‍💨😮‍💨

TW: Abuse

artwork Character building, but not anything specific OC Building and Practices The Framework Characters of Qoot!


Sholi ghighi Celesi, the first husband of Neloni. This is him when he started losing hair and wore a hat.
A short but meaningful life
Remembered in thoughts
Immortalized by art

I don’t think I would make a long biography for him, because I only have three pictures of him.

So, things that I do to depict him:

  • When he’s alive, he’s typically looking anxious unless he’s with Neloni.
  • In the micosi, he’s transparent in color and wearing that hat or traditional clothes and typically looks healthy.
  • He’s tall, but not tall like Neloni who towers him almost.
  • He isn’t thin, but is nowhere near overweight or obese like other characters.
  • He has the same body shape as Sholi Flurisha (the younger male character)
  • He’s quite dark skinned, but not as dark as Nejame or Noje.
  • When alive, he always wore his marriage bracelet (about an equivalent to a ring) even when he’s showering and would show it off a lot, but wouldn’t discuss what it means because he didn’t want to incriminate himself or Neloni.
  • He cannot wear face paint or makeup (he’s an actor) for a long time or he’ll touch his face and smear it. He doesn’t like stuff on his face.
  • He wears clothing that isn’t too tight nor is baggy. He usually wears orange or blue on him no matter what—he always something orange or blue on his body or he’s uncomfortable.
  • He’s squirmy and fidgets a lot, but doesn’t fidget as much as Neloni.

Anyway, that’s all. Have a nice day.

Hauls Reviews Unrelated and More About Me

Some Winsor and Newton Swatches: Dot Card

I told myself I wasn’t going to swatch these and make a video while swatching them out because people like those, but I just didn’t have any patience for myself and just swatched them anyway. I feel so bad…but I really like the colors I’ve swatched!

I just feel like there’s so many swatch videos online with dot cards doing the same route with their videos and I preferred just giving my opinion. I’m going to probably approach it differently because I’m lazy and I do stuff however I want and nobody can tell me what to do (unfortunately).

It’s not here, but I also added tinting information. This information is purely about dispersion then actual tinting. Sometimes with colors, you can tell exactly how they are because they’re so strong, they’ll beat up a color in a dark alley or when they spread, they spread far and that’s typically the higher tinting pigments. The weaker ones hide behind the higher tinting. Higher tinting typically is in colors with smaller particles, but it’s not always the case. Some of them are very weak. Other times, some granulating colors are not weak at all—like Cadmium Red, Orange, and Yellow. They also are very opaque, but opacity has nothing to do with tinting because PB35 is very opaque and it is low tinting.

To the juicy stuff: Which ones do I like so far?

  • Cadmium Free Red Deep (it’s nice and orange and moves with the water fast!)
  • Cadmium Red Deep (I’m obsessed with cadmiums!)
  • Rose Dore (it’s really cute and low tinting appearing. It just gives adorable.)
  • Quinacridone Red (this brand isn’t the best…but it’s a very beautiful color in masstone)
  • Permanent Carmine (Rich)
  • Permanent Rose (I like the way it looks like it has a lot of depth. I have no idea if it’s good at glazing, but it looks like it is because how light touches it, it seems as if it could create its own light source.)
  • Antwerp Blue (I hate Prussian blues typically because they look gray and icky, but this one is a different look to it that’s much thinner.)
  • Cerulean Blue Red Shade (I love this color, it is pretty. It’s no reason why I love it. I love it.)
  • Cerulean Blue (this one has visual depth to it that I really like. It’s probably closer to a sky color.)
  • Winsor Blue Red Shade (Same reason why I liked Permanent Carmine)
  • A lot of the blue granulating colors I like, I already have them so I don’t want to talk about them as much and more paints I haven’t experienced.
  • Indanthrone Blue is so beautiful and is a warmer version of Prussian blue that I like.
  • Quinacridone Violet…😤😍🥰 all I have to say. I feel strongly about it because it has depth to it but it’s also a very warm purple and I’ve loved warm purples since I was three.
  • Permanent Mauve is weak and hard to rewet…but oh my is so beautiful.🥰 It reminds me of flowers or something old fashioned and antique. So gorgeous. I really want this one.
  • Permanent Magenta is beautiful for the same reason Permanent Mauve is. I would one day love to own clothes with that color.
  • Tbh the whole orange section…I know I can’t buy all those paints, but they make me feel weak in the knees! I love orange! All purples/violets and oranges are good to me.

I feel like this isn’t the best dot card to test the consistency since they give you a little small, thin dot. This doesn’t affect me too much because I know places to retrieve Winsor and Newton that aren’t too overpriced, but if you didn’t have access, this would suck. (And is unfair…)

I feel like it’s a good purchase and all, but they need more paint on the dot cards or lower their price.😤

about me paintmaking Rants and Rambles Unrelated and More About Me

Updates and chat!

Hey, y’all! I’m setting up an Instagram! It is very new, but I do encourage you to follow me. Maybe my captions will get better.😞

Unrelated, it’s been great to paint and create. Really frustrating, but great. I really hate posting on social media because after a while, I get burn out with making ideas, trying to sell, juggling other priorities in life. An art career is something I’m not into because honestly, it’s draining to create.

When I say I put my heart, time, and soul into these things, I mean it. Just having people who care about my content I post means so much to me. I really appreciate y’all. Especially when we have discussions on your blogs and my blog.😢 I respect y’all.

So, it’s motivated me enough to try these things and try more of course it’s not only attention focused or validation focus, my watercolor skills have gotten a lot better and so have my drawing skills—even my confidence has. When I’m done with my class, I’ll show you all my paintings. I’m not the best at managing my time and I could be maximizing my time or whatever, but I’m actually proud of myself for getting a lot of my classwork done at an appropriate time and not starting too late.☺️ It’s something of a blessing that I’m gaining willpower.😁

about me artwork Rants and Rambles Stories Unrelated and More About Me

I’ll take it

I’m tired, I’m tired.
I was wondering why I was alone.
Then I found out I’m the problem.
I’m the problem.

I take full responsibility.
I am the problem.
Any answer to why is an excuse,
I am sorry for doing human things.

Some people do them and they’re followed around
like a hen with her chicks.
but I’m the problem
for assuming the same would happen with me.

I don’t say things to be mean to you,
I catch myself being honest,
Sharing my opinion.
When I’m honest, it means I care about you.

I don’t think I understood I may have hurt your feelings.
Nobody deserves to have their feelings hurt.
Even when it’s in a conversation.
I take responsibility.

I’m sorry I didn’t create a space where you didn’t feel like you can express your emotions.
Or I wore you out with my problems when you didn’t want to discuss anything like that.

I just felt so safe with you.
We used to share conversations more,
but I got too sensitive and argumentative
too passionate it was toxic.

You cut me out of your life with a dry text and no explanations on your disappearance.
You’re laughing and bonding with other people, don’t think I can’t see you on social media.
I’m glad you’re happy, I’m not and I doubt I ever will be.

There’s nothing wrong with you,
you wanted to be happy and I couldn’t give it to you.
You wanted to talk about your friends and family and your interests.
I wanted to talk about my woes and my passions.

I wonder if we were ever friends,
but I enjoy our memories. 😔

Swatches and update on palette

Hello, y’all.

I was apparently too tired today to do anything productive and slept the whole day! Anywho, I did the swatches and finished my palette.

When I get the energy I will swatch on more textured paper, do some mixing charts, some studies, and then a painting hopefully. I personally would love to put all this work (except the final painting) in a sketchbook…and I may craft one. I’ve been trying to do that. Maybe I’ll record myself doing that.🤭

So sorry this was so short, I’m still tired.😩

paintmaking Unrelated and More About Me

Watercolor ideas

I’m still creating my palette and it’s quite fun. I enjoy combining color combinations and patterns together. I’ve always liked patterns even though, funnily, I like abstraction too.

Selling stuff isn’t really fun to me (in this part of my life) but I do like doing diet science experiments like palette creating and testing. Where are the careers where you do stuff like that? Like making palettes and mixing them and showing pictures? I’m not sure I’d get paid for it. Maybe I should try instagram for that.(🤢😭) I want to experiment with that.

I wanted to get into handmade watercolor selling, but I want to make videos and content showing my expertise! But, really, I would like my art abilities to shine through.

paintmaking Unrelated and More About Me

I wanna chat!

So, I was thinking hard that I really really wanted to be one of those artists with the affiliate links so they can buy more art supplies but then I realized (and remembered) that I don’t post art that often or really often as I like and I’m not a review channel.

It’s a bit hard for me to find review accounts on WordPress, typically I see them on other sites or on YouTube. I’ve been fighting myself to stop being a coward and just post on there.

I’d probably post videos of stuff I do on here, but sheesh. The set up for watercolor videos seems so difficult, y’all! I don’t typically like talking on videos and already have ways of getting across that, but it’s the camera set up. It has to be directly over my head. I cannot find a iPhone holder thingy to hold it up.

You might just say, “get any of them, it’s not that deep. You can show your face on it a bit and have it in a different angle. What you do is what you do.” But NAW. It’s not about professionalism or anything. I don’t want my face plastered everywhere. My account isn’t about my body or my face, it’s about my mind and how my mind contributes to my art. If I have my fat head on there or if I show more than enough, y’all might get a bit muddied how to perceive me.

I rather prefer to show my hands at most. Which, was a struggle at the get go because 😩 I’ve been bullied on the internet quite often for being visibly Black. I’m somewhere on the cyberspace unintentionally and people have made it hard. They don’t listen sometimes to what I’m saying and more about my race, say slurs, or strange things that irritate me. This doesn’t embarrass me, but I’m pretty domineering and I want to be listened to.

I also look very feminine and to someone who isn’t aware, they will perceive me as my sex instead of the gender I go by and will see my pronouns and ignore them. I’ve never claimed to be a man or anything, but I’m not putting my face and my voice up on there.

I’ve gotten sexism and racism on the internet. I’m sure a lot of people have, but it’s still, not the reason. I don’t mind putting my face up on there, but I seriously don’t want y’all being muddied about me or being confused.

ANYWHO, I am making a Renaissance and Baroque watercolor palette. It’s not built on any science and is “heavily researched” but still not going to be based on those collective centuries alone.

“Why?” you may ask

Because, it’s not made in the Renaissance or Baroque period. It’s just taken off a computer and mixed in a way I want. As well, it has my sensibilities. I am postmodern and dare I claim, apart of a pretty late version. Even if I make a modern painting from the sixties, it won’t be from the sixties and has my personality, my experiences, my ideas, and my mindset on it.

I like looking at old art because a lot of it is so strange looking and I find it strange why some of them are so wonky, stiff, stale, but are worshipped. I also find it unfair how the expectations of artists have shifted so much, but I do like it. I love a lot of artists (except Caravaggio…I admire his talents and inspiring some of the artists I like, but his art is 🤢 and makes me uncomfortable. I also don’t like Donatello for making that David statute…🤢🤢🤢 I don’t care if people say what it’s supposed to be or a different time, I just don’t like it. I don’t appreciate it—sue me—and I find myself aging biologically when I see it.)

I used this website called Colourlex to collect “accurate information,” the hue and shades, and what artists used what.

Call me special or whatever, but I’m STRUGGLING to convince myself to use paints that have Lead, Arsenic, and Mercury in them. I’m just really afraid of the toxins and accidentally poisoning my family. Ironically, I use Nickel, Zinc, Cadmiums, Chromiums Titaniums, and Cobalts in my paints.

If anyone is aware, columns on the periodic table consists of families with very similar structures and qualities. For example, if you know how oxygen works, then you can get a meh idea how sulfur and silicon work underneath. Cadmium is apart of the Zinc family, below Cadmium is Mercury. The element I’m afraid of.

The thing about all of these is that they’re not rocks or the actual heavy metal alone, but precipitates of scientific compounds and they’re very, very watered down. Pigments do not have large amounts of chemicals in them. Paints really don’t. For example, the paint with arsenic in it—Orpiment—also has sulfur in it. (It’s formula is extremely funny, but that’s because I’m childish😈) Ultramarine Blue also has sulfur in it. I do not know it’s formula. Sorry!

This prevents it sometimes from being as less toxic or as more toxic. There’s just no way I can convince myself to use lead…Arsenic, maybe, but not Lead. I just can’t…and it’s sooo unfortunate because Lead paints are so beautiful. I just don’t have my own studio. I sit in my house in an open area. I can’t do it.🥴

It’s some of the reason why I’m scared to touch batteries (don’t make fun of me) or use paint thinner.

IRONICALLY, I’m always on my phone and they have lanthanide families and actinide families and some of those aren’t even naturally occurring.

Anywho, I’ll show you what I have now.

Ignore the pink and purple. It consists of a Vermilion hue, Cinnabar Hue, Indigo Hue, Orpiment Hue, Lead-Tin Yellow Light Hue, Chrome Orange Hue (more modern I believe but I was having too much fun lol), Carmine Hue, Realgar Hue. Unfortunately, these colors aren’t too accurate, but they’re fun!

All I’m missing is Lapis Lazuli, Azurite, Lead White, and a couple of other touches. I also am adding my ochres in. I have actual ochres. They’re toxic because they consist of Irons and free radicals, but that won’t stop me because I’m unaware. I don’t think I’m going to add Vivianite on this palette because it’s not gonna work.🤷🏾

Lastly, my other fact websites I looked at are Handprint (which is mostly outdated, but I’d love to have an account as interesting as Bruce MacEvoy), Natural Pigments (my weakness), and Webexhibits who is probably inaccurate or outdated but fun.

If you’re interested in watercolors or just paint in general. Tell me. I wanna know what kind of palettes you like or find interesting.☺️ Even if it’s observing someone’s painting. I like the palette of Raphael (the Renaissance artist and not the teenage mutant ninja turtle.😂)

Anyway, that was a lot to write. Any chemists that see this and know if anything I said was inaccurate, let me know the comments. Otherwise, thank you for talking to me. Stay healthy and hydrated and safe.

artwork Stories

They’re coming

Bad photography with graphite of a character of mine
they’re coming
they’re coming in pairings
they’re coming in groups

they don’t come —-


they don’t come until they’re ready (lol)
and when they come, they don’t stop.
They never stop,
until everything is gone!

oh no!
I’ve been too loud,
I’ve gotten far too into this conversation.
When they come,
I will leave.

I’m posting everything in my drafts. Even if it’s unfinished because it’s getting on my nerves seeing them. This wasn’t in my drafts, I’m just warning y’all before it’s too late.😂😂😂

Anyway, see y’all. Stay safe and drink water and beware of them.

artwork Rants and Rambles


My arm seems to be obsessed with my suffering. I cannot draw recently. On one note, it’s great to be alive but on the other, I’m in excruciating pain at random times. It’s my fault. I haven’t been really taking care of myself.

I haven’t really gotten my goals together and I’ve had a stupid amount of anxiety and lack of motivation and inspiration. Just a week ago, I was having anxiety preventing me from sleeping. I hate when it happens. It might have to do with my blood sugars or something irritating.

I can’t really think of anything creative, I can’t do anything creative. I don’t want to do anything creative. Some of it is probably because of not touching actual grass in a while.

It just feels like there’s nothing that I can do. Like a mysterious weight on my body. It’s hard to cry, it’s hard to be angry. It’s not fun to laugh and play around, but it’s not serious enough. I feel lonely constantly but when I’m around people I get irritated quicker.

If I told my younger self that I was going to be a minor recluse and sit in my house, unsociable to everyone, and isolate myself, she’d be a bit upset, but she’d believe it and kind of would find me cool for being a loser like this. In fact, to separate myself with my past would be absurd. Originally, I chose to draw over playing games with people, stayed home and drew lousy OCs, did other stuff but wouldn’t contribute much, or brought something to draw with.

I don’t really socialize with anyone in reality.

I think even without cellphones I would struggle. I just don’t have a personality people like and I’m not funny or good looking.

I don’t play this game, it’s just a funny meme.

Anyway, thank you for talking to me. Stay safe, healthy, and hydrated!

about me artwork Rants and Rambles Stories Unrelated and More About Me

Ramble with a chance of brainstorming.

I drew this the same day I made last post. It caused me much ego burn and upsetness. Things happen. I don’t know perspective well, I just tried to use a reference and shapes. The picture still came out weird. Anyway, I tried drawing my own character to paint on top of and struggled with gouache—it’s Vivian. :):):)
The uncertainty of being sure I’m alive is hard for me.
Just like the awareness of dreams.
I cannot process if my dreams are real and I’m the dream and the opposing.

My feelings are overwhelming,
I don’t understand you.
I hear all the words that you say and disagree.

I am not you.
I can’t be you.
We aren’t the same.
We can’t switch, that’s not possible. Even if I were like you.

My sensitivity has made me like one of you,
but I’m not you.
I don’t feel like you.
I can’t process like you, only record what you say back to yourself.

Words are so confusing,
my nuance means nothing.

I am constantly seen as looking down on you when I never thought I showed any level of security.
I don’t have the security.
If you listened to me,
You know I never had the confidence.

You instilled that.
You made me your enemy.
I don’t have any friends nor am I thought to make any real relationships,
Especially based on my hobbies, and you want me to be the enemy?

There’s nothing in this world that will ever satiate the answer why I am here,
And why am I exactly like you but not enough.

Why I didn’t deserve to be treated even mediocrely like you.
Why I even like you…

Noshili (character’s just will look different. This isn’t a studio, just a lazy student with their sketchbook.)

I want to write cosmic horror and psychological thrillers, but other than writing what I know, I cannot tell what I wrote was what I want or distinguish if it’s of quality.

Is something of quality and worth pursuing if I like it? Or, is something of quality if others do? What goals do I figure out?

I was watching gameplay for the game Dredge and it’s really the only reading and traditionally experiencing a plot that I’ve experienced in a while.

I liked it. I don’t know a single thing about the sea, but when I was around 17-19, I used to really like nautical themes, sea and ocean themes, and pirates. I cannot write a single story like that so to see that someone wrote something that seems like it already seems like a thing and put it into a very engaging story is fascinating to me.

The sea has the same exact uncertainty in it as “space.” Making world building types that explore content like that are fun, but I struggle very hard. I don’t know how to do exercises. I don’t know how to actually write. One day, I’m going to write a link on here with my writing style so you can see exactly how I write. It’d be so telling.

Anyway, thank you for talking to me. Stay healthy and hydrated (I wish I was)

artwork Hauls Rants and Rambles

Upset and delighted

Y’all! I just got new paints. It’s gouache this time. It is a very opaque watercolor (to an extent). Historically, traditional gouache had white chalk added to it. I would love to show pictures, but you can find them on Google Arts and Culture.

Nowadays, gouache is densely packed pigment and binder with pigments that are more opaque. Typically this binder is gum Arabic and something to help it from molding in a tube. My watercolors I made at home are varieties of opacities, but typically are semi opaque and opaque.

The gouache I received was a Holbein gouache set with a twelve colors. It is majority of the colors in the conventional rainbow but very, very…bright. In fact, they’re too bright for me. Aggressively bright. I normally don’t like bright colors in my art even though I either wear neon colors or heavily saturated shirts. 😂

The thing is, they’re a great investment. I like how they work even though I’m trash at them for right now because it’ll make me have more depth into my style. They’re absolutely delightful after the swatches and the failed painting I will mention later. (it’s not failed, I just don’t like it and have to paint over it with a different medium like acrylic gouache (which is thin, but chunky acrylics that can be easily watered down. Their binder is a polymer instead of gum Arabic. Gum Arabic is rewettable or soluble, but acrylic polymer, once it dries, it’s dry. It is not rewettable. Anyway, this painting still has potential.)

The first twelve colors are Holbein from cool to warm to cool. As well black and white. The rest were done in comparison to see if they were gouache-like enough (I made the last ones)

Holbein has a ton of pigments on here that aren’t very lightfast and some aren’t single pigments either, but it doesn’t mean that they’re bad. They just aren’t single pigments. I refused to thin them down because I’m hardheaded and tried to paint and it looked too rendered and greasy. Personally, I don’t like greasy art. As well, I am not used to this level of opacity! I love opacity, but I was shocked because these were thick, rewet thick, and went down thick and got stuck in my synthetic brushes. I didn’t like that. It made the picture muddy.

Anywho, the upset part was drawing a character that I did with Holbein’s acryla gouache—aka Vivian. I tried painting him, but the palette was very bright and his skin tone and oil-painting skin tone were hard to replicate and add nuance (or I just suck right now and need to approach this differently. )

As well, I struggled badly with drawing him in the first place. I have no idea how I did his design—he’s based off of faces of very popular and renowned artists of the Renaissance—but I think I might have to change it. It something that I hate doing, but what’s the point if he looks vastly different on each picture…I don’t like that.🥲

I’m mad too because they didn’t have an orange…purple, orange, and greens are my soft spots on my palettes and these reds are weak sauce . If they don’t look like blood or dried blood (not an edgy //_. way, but I love dark reds) I struggle with it.

I want a bright orange though. Bright oranges and yellows are great!😋

Overall, I love the flatness of these gouaches and I can wait to make successful art. Anywho, I will be posting pictures of the failed painting when I get back over to that table. 😬 Laugb with me, y’all.

Anywho, I also want to talk about other stuff since I’m here.

I’ve been having bad art days recently because I’ve been pushing myself and also was in interesting health. I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. A lot is going on. I just struggle.

Also, I just wonder if I need to make a change with the way I do things with my art to make it less intimidating and not as mentally exhausting to do. I get scared trying to draw. I struggle with bodies and poses. It’s very hard for me to bodies in general because gender dysphoria and feeling bad makes me jealous of some people’s bodies and other stuff ruin my life.

I also am getting the vibe that my art leans very feminine to y’all and while I’m not going to change that, it does make me wonder about a lot of things about the perception.

It’s like, being in a room and drawing people you understand and leaving that room and people see it differently and while it’s not bad at all, you wonder why and how?

How does someone have a style that is so undeniably feminine? Probably the female gaze. (Not a counter towards the male gaze, the female gaze is mostly nonpolitical 😒and is just about what women—typically heterosexual women want.) Growing up, in a lot of my spaces, unless the person was into anime, they didn’t draw men that often. They’d draw girls. I had male ocs that I liked drawing and enjoyed, but guess what?

They’re all visible to outsiders as women. Undeniably. They don’t look masculine at all. Even when I try, it just isn’t as fun and people have a lot more to say when it’s not manly enough than everyone looking the same.

Anywho, thank you for talking to me. I appreciate it. Stay healthy and hydrated.


Here’s some art that I have done!

Since I over wrote on the captions and not down here because I was too overly excited to write about them all, I’m not going to write much down here.

Thank you for talking to me. I’ll see you. Stay safe and hydrated!

about me Unrelated and More About Me

Musical inspiration

Hihi, y’all!

I feel like chatting about my inspirations today.

Typically, I wouldn’t find myself that interesting to talk about outside media that I like, but why not? I’m in the mood.

Just recently in my life, I’ve been really into non-American media—I have a very limited scope of outside media, it’s kind of an US thing to only see what my country picks out and be a bit unaware what’s going on. I’ve watched anime and read manga all my life, and typically that’s Japanese (I’ve also read culture variants on this medium like manhwa, manhua…so on).

Anywho, I think I’m going to start with music—because I like music.

While I love cinematic and theatrical performances, I typically don’t like and appreciate the culture (as in the fans) around so I don’t enjoy the media. I, however, LOVE movies with a whole lot of singing if the songs are good.

I love this song and performance so much. It’s amazing how it was produced. It looks cheesy somewhat due to new technology, but thinking about it for its time, it’s like “😳 woah!” I do not know exactly what this song means but I know the woman is Hidimbi and the man is Bhima and she’s trying to woo him—she’s at first trying to lure him in for her brother Hidimba so they can eat, but instead she falls in love with him and changes her appearance to a beautiful and fair lady and flirts. This is just the knowledge from the Wikipedia page for this movie Sri Krishna Pandaveeyam and the epic Mahabharata. I do not know if I’m correct and I do not know Telugu to confirm it.

Changure Bangaru Raja is one of my favorites because of the beats. Especially the breaks and how the woman dances to all of the breaks. I love her outfit changes too. But, the music has a draw to it that I do not understand. I honestly love it so much. I don’t get how the music is so mesmerizing, but I can listen for hours even though I don’t understand a word.😂

This one was a bit more amusing to me because I love how happy the playback singer is singing this song—his giggles are funny too. His voice is absolutely stunning and so soft. I also like how the characters move, NTR as Krishna is interesting because his movements are theatrical but also his expressions and movements to the music are pleasant and work so well with the music. I don’t know know the other character’s name or if he’s another form of Krishna, but his expressions make this song my favorite. How he holds his head and his moves is hands makes me smile and melt. Also, it’s really funny how (Bhima?) is in drunken asleep the whole song and the camera moves. 😂😂😂
I have absolutely no idea what this song means, I just find this character extremely cute and her dancing and motions absolutely amazing. Her body shape is also really nice. The other dancers are amazing, but she steals the show. I also like how the other characters look at her. I don’t know exactly what the lyrics mean, but how they sound with the music sounds pleasant.
I love Lata Mangeshkar’s singing so much—she has a very cute voice and it’s so powerful. The actress is great and I love how her outfit looks (is she wearing a kurti?), it has a vibe how in the US would be a country gal. I don’t know if she is, but I know she’s talking about a red dupatta.😂 I don’t know Hindi and even though I try to study it, I don’t know much. Haha. I still always like watching her perform and like watching the video.
I do not remember the two sisters names that are dancing this, but Lata Mangeshkar and her Usha really sang their hearts out. It’s so passionate and emotional. I wish I could sing like them. I couldn’t even dream dancing like the sisters. They’re amazing.
This song is so cute and I love how it moves and how it’s sung. I’m not a big romantic but this song tugs my heart strings. It’s so cute and makes me happy hearing it.💕 Teresa Tang didn’t have to sing this well, but she did. She’s amazing.
I don’t know what genre this is or if it would be considered highlife, but no matter what language it is I ALWAYS love music like this. usually when music like this is in Spanish, like with Celia Cruz (💕💕 I love her) I can understand it after listening for a while, but this is a bit confusing. When I looked up Njuzu it meant mermaid, but I’m not sure how accurate it is. It’s just so fun and inspiring listening to music like this.
German! If you’re into Opera, you’d know that this piece and opera is French and not German at all, (if you want to look it up, look up doll song or Les Oiseaux dans la Charmille) yet, the lyrics work so well in German. The librettist who translated it went off. I love this video so much for its uncanny wackiness. I love how the scientist is in love with his automaton and the young man he’s working with (I know a grown woman is playing him, but that’s just a common thing) is looking at him like he has something wrong with him falling in love with an inanimate object. I love how this woman embodies unhumanely robotic wind up doll movements. She doesn’t blink, she doesn’t smile. She is the doll. It’s so goofy and fun and an interesting way of performing. I wish she finished the song.
This genre of music is SO peaceful and meditative. I love how he blends genres. I am inspired by Kora and I wish my worldbuilding skills or drawing skills can help me create an similar instrument for my stories. I have characters that play instruments like these.
I love her singing so much. I love throat singing so much and I love the movement of the music and while I couldn’t and wouldn’t sing this, it’s very catchy. I hear this song often in my head. It’s soulful and she’s singing with her whole heart. I love the language but I don’t know what she’s saying at all or what it’s about but it’s so good. I love how folky and rhythmic it sounds. I also love the syncopation sounds.
This one feels so natural to hear to me. I’ve never grown up with Highlife—I grew up with Funk music and old Gospel music because my parents aren’t very young—but music of a certain time can have a vibe that draws anyone in. I don’t understand a word they’re saying but I enjoy the vibe this song brings.

I’m going to call this one a complete for now. If you noticed, I picked more Modern music (1940-1970), but if you go on my music playlist, you can see old songs and very new songs and pieces. I listen and enjoy some random stuff and a lot of these piqued my interest for my art and want to do animation, but also write music. (IF I WROTE ANY ERRORS, please tell me! Don’t hesitate so I may change it!)

See ya later, thank you for talking to me. Make sure to stay safe and hydrated.


The Jinhi to the Jinhi Hunter

You’re standing upon me,
about to slaughter me in cold blood.
You are staring at me as if I’m not a human like you.
You’re a fool.
You want to destroy my culture,
You will…
But yours?
It’ll be destroyed as well.
It’ll always be changing, forming, destroying, changing.

The people will never be happy.
Could you?
You are standing in the presence of a man,
one you will kill.
A man who will never give you your happiness so you seek.
You’re doing your job, and you believe in your job.
Guilt, may it never absolve.

Guilt will go into the nation’s pride,
Into their food,
Into their prayers,
Into their wishes,
Into their wants.

It’ll restrict them from innocence.

It blurs the lines between being good and bad.

However, this won’t stop you.
I can’t stop you.
You cannot see me and you will not listen.

These words will be so much different after you’re covered in my blood.

I don’t have any artwork for this, so I can’t offer you a picture, but this is also an in-story movie antagonist monologue (of course I only speak English, so it’s in English). The Jinhi hunter pulls out his sword on the antagonist (I have not named yet) and the villain sings. This isn’t a song—partially because I’m not in the mood to write one and I don’t know how it would sound anyway.

This is also apart of the same story I mentioned a while back where the protagonist breaks down on set and doesn’t

It’s quite self-explanatory what it is, but if it’s not, feel free to leave a comment. I will respond.