Qoot! Stories

The Pocketbook

The name is out of pocket, but it’s about the marriage of Madenna and Damijo, a pairing that shouldn’t have happened, but they married because both are in “problematic” relationships in their respective society.

A beautiful woman appeared whilst I daydreamed—amazingly plump, dark, and lovely. She was unnaturally and inhumanly beautiful.

It was a wedding, a wedding I wanted to be in. She was graceful in her movements as she came up to me in a beautiful _____.

Sadorno, my love, I love you with all my soul and will love you to the end of time. Run away with me, love me. Let’s go back home. Kiss me!

I smacked my head against the mirror trying to kiss her and opened my eyes to my ugly, ashy ass. I looked like a fool and my hair was a straightened rat’s nest. My curls would never come back unless I cut my hair. I couldn’t do it now or mama would kill me! My hair was damaged from years of straightening, pulling, straightening, bleaching, and pulling, that shit is never going to revert.

Would cugalo care if I cut that shit off?

I straightened it anyway.

My cugalo was looking for me so we could go to our wedding. I couldn’t let him see my hair, so I put a wrap on. I heard the dumbass clunking in his heels.

“Made, are you ready for our wedding?” Damijo called out. Stupid, irritating dragging ass voice! Can’t stand you! We only met once by accident, and I was hoping I was going to die before meeting you again! A Nene!

I turned to him and tried to look friendly, but I know I glared at his brainless looking ass.

“No, I need to get my headdress and coat on!” I replied. “You are going to curse our wedding being impatient!”

I turned back around but I could see him in the mirror. He straight up rolled his eyes at me and scoffed.

“What do you mean?” He replied aggressively. “It’s not serious. It’s not like you actually love me or want to get married to me. Our dads put us together.”

He was a well-built man from dancing and had nice characteristics on his body from decent genes, but I was straight up grossed out knowing I had to be with him. I didn’t like how my mom was more into him than he was into me.

I ignored him and put lipstick on, but then I felt anxious because he didn’t seem to care for me either and sounded just as irritated with me as I was with him. It gave me doubts about our relationship. I winced.

“Damijo, are you even attracted to me?” I asked. “Do you even love me?”

He audibly gulped and rubbed his neck. His face turned red.

“Do I love you?” He replied. “Well, I’m a bit nervous. I don’t want to mess up anything…you know, it’s really nerve-wrecking to be in a wedding and also officially meeting the person…I don’t even know what you’re thinking…um, yeah, I’m very nervous.”

He sounded very…lowly to me and had a slow draw and a very southern accent. He sounded stupider than Mal to me, not because of his accent because his dad has a similar accent and sounds intelligent and very well spoken, but Damijo sounds like a straight fool on top of his irritating rocking and his irritating voice. Nails on a chalkboard.

And, oh, of course I got put with him, he talks so politically, dodging my question.

“I see,” I said. “Might as well ask, how do you feel about fatherhood?”

He smiled, his eyes looked uncomfortable, but his facial features and body language came off as happy and smug.

“Wouldn’t we have to have sex for that?” He replied smirking.

He did a loud, ugly cackle. Must I hear that every day?! Why me???

“Yes,” I replied sighing. Ugh, I can’t believe I have to do this with him!!!!

He rubbed his chin and tapped his foot, which was the least irritating thing he did. He looked back at me and smiled. He tilted his head to the right as he observed me.

“Are you a virgin?” He asked.

I gasped. I- wha- damn…maybe he’ll call off the wedding if I say the truth.

“No,” I replied, feigning anxiety. “You?”

He rolled his eyes but this time it was smug, he put his hands on his hips.

“If I was, I wouldn’t have been put with you,” he replied. “It should be okay, though. I have experience with women.”

I could see mild fear in his eyes after he said that. Aha!

What?” I replied, “What do you mean ‘I have experience with women?’ Do you have sex with men also?”

He cleared his throat and his eyes widened and laughed uncomfortably. He looked as if he was going to cry.

“I…didn’t say that,” he said nervously and looking around. “I said I had experience.”

I felt my eyes roll and roll so hard that they were rolling back.

“Can’t you just leave?” I fussed. “I’ll deal with you later.”

He responded with a gasp at my response. He turned quickly, but walked slowly to the door, clonking in the damn heels again.

“And Damijo?” I said.

He turned around nervously; I should’ve let him leave, but I’m too petty and childish for that shit.

“Don’t think so hard to respond next time,” I said aggressively and mildly like I was yelling. I did feel bad. “I don’t like your parents, but I really don’t like you. We aren’t friends and we aren’t cool. We just are getting married.”

He seemed to be bewildered and amazed. I could tell I stressed him out because his eyes looked hurt, and his lips quivered. He seriously didn’t do anything wrong and I’m being rude to him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I just can’t stand him!

“That’s fine by me!” He replied just as aggressively—getting to point of screaming.

I picked up my shoe and threw it at his head. It seemed like I may have hurt him. I really need to stop being angry and violent. He rubbed his head and tossed the shoe back and walked out. I heard him cuss underneath his breath.

Hihi, I’ve posted a while back with the comic I was making with these characters. This time I’m showing the written part.

Madenna and Damijo on this lazily done comic.😂

Tell me how you feel about the writing! I think I did a decent job on that scene! When I stop being a lazy bone and when the break is finally over, I will be trying to draw this out.

17 replies on “The Pocketbook”

Okay! I’ve read this through a couple of times and (accidentally) found the post which first showed the above image, and gave an image of Damijo. I’m…not sure how far of a critique you desire; normally what I’d do is print out the document and mark it up with notes, comments, and any corrections or questions; then try and summarize the more salient points for you while giving you back that marked-up copy.

But yeah, we’re on the Web! ;D I actually *may be* able to mark up a document and send it to you, but I’m unsure how that would work (I’ve never done it, before).

It took looking back at the title of this entry and a couple of passes to really be able to grasp what was going on, but I think I’ve got it, now. I’m not sure of Sadorno’s pronouns in this piece (as Sadorno speaks in the first person and Damijo addresses them in the second person, and I can’t remember exactly where Sadorno has been mentioned before) — I will try and keep it open and refer to Sadorno as “they”, as Sadorno very obviously knows about non-heteronormative/non-heterosexual relationships…

Sadorno is the bride, Damijo is the groom; they are getting married because both their fathers arranged it. But Sadorno loves someone else whom Sadorno was fantasizing about, and has a hard time even tolerating Damijo (I can relate). Damijo has an air of weakness and evasiveness/fear next to Sadorno, whose personality is stronger. Sadorno directly asks him who he is and what he wants, and he seems unable to directly answer the questions. But his evasions reveal more about him than he realizes, and he is caught in it by Sadorno. Sadorno is frustrated by this dynamic, which does leave Damijo’s own character mostly out of the picture, for the moment.

It seems there is a norm of marriage which they are fulfilling out of loyalty to their fathers, and apparently to make Damijo presentable as a politician. This infers: Damijo’s being an unmarried man may arouse suspicion (of…?) in the wider society. The taboo he is breaking is unspoken (though hinted at in the title); this gives you as the author, some leeway in defining it.

So Damijo in his position of power is getting a wife to enhance his respectability; but not one who will be easily stepped on (especially not, by him), and one who may cause more trouble in his life than they solve. I kind of like that.

A point which could be expanded upon: I’m sure you’ll get to this in later episodes of these two — unless we never get to see who Damijo actually is — his character comes off as almost absent to me. As the author and worldbuilder, you know a lot more about Damijo than the reader does.

For me, as a reader, this does come off mostly as a portrait of Sadorno. Damijo is filling a place in the narrative (as he is filling a place in Sadorno’s life — which Sadorno doesn’t want to be filled *by him*), but he feels relatively empty of character at the same time. I realize this could be intentional *or* subconscious.

This has often happened to me in early drafts when trying to pair characters. It’s tough to keep track of more than one mind at one time!

(This is why going back over rough drafts, is very helpful. It’s the norm for published authors to go back over their work multiple times to revise and rewrite…though I’m not sure what the norm is for Sequential Art scripts, where rewriting could actually mean redrawing sections; the layout and art add a separate dynamic.)

Also, having one strong character and one undefined character can bring up the dynamic of one character being outshined by the other. The more weakly-defined character serves a purpose for the stronger one in the narrative. Like, it’s very apparent that this piece is about Sadorno, not so much about Damijo.

The thing is, the longer Damijo is in the narrative, the more he will likely begin to define himself. The direction (or directions) he goes in could end up being significant to the flow of the story. But yeah; he feels deliberately hidden to me here — which could be for any number of reasons. Let us know! 🙂 And great job with the writing!

Liked by 1 person

Oooooo! You got the point of the story and the dynamics! Like, you’re on par!😁 You’ll see the rest of her perspective when I edit it.
Yeah, Damijo will be written more about later, but Sadorno, which will be referred to a lot as Madenna, is a very harsh and paranoid character—she does have a lot of dominance over Damijo. Damijo isn’t a politician, but his family is in politics and taught him to talk like that when he wants to dodge questions; he is an actor and performer.

They do live in a heterosexual, heteronormative society where people get killed or slaughtered if they are not straight even to the point where people are evasive to people’s sexes and looking up their previous names before marriage.

I wanted to show Madenna’s opinion and view on the marriage and the coming of the two, she is very upset about it mostly, but is very stressed out. However, she really doesn’t like how weak and uncomfortable Damijo comes off and can’t read him. He can’t read her either.

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