The uncertainty of being sure I’m alive is hard for me.
Just like the awareness of dreams.
I cannot process if my dreams are real and I’m the dream and the opposing.
My feelings are overwhelming,
I don’t understand you.
I hear all the words that you say and disagree.
I am not you.
I can’t be you.
We aren’t the same.
We can’t switch, that’s not possible. Even if I were like you.
My sensitivity has made me like one of you,
but I’m not you.
I don’t feel like you.
I can’t process like you, only record what you say back to yourself.
Words are so confusing,
my nuance means nothing.
I am constantly seen as looking down on you when I never thought I showed any level of security.
I don’t have the security.
If you listened to me,
You know I never had the confidence.
You instilled that.
You made me your enemy.
I don’t have any friends nor am I thought to make any real relationships,
Especially based on my hobbies, and you want me to be the enemy?
There’s nothing in this world that will ever satiate the answer why I am here,
And why am I exactly like you but not enough.
Why I didn’t deserve to be treated even mediocrely like you.
Why I even like you…
I want to write cosmic horror and psychological thrillers, but other than writing what I know, I cannot tell what I wrote was what I want or distinguish if it’s of quality.
Is something of quality and worth pursuing if I like it? Or, is something of quality if others do? What goals do I figure out?
I was watching gameplay for the game Dredge and it’s really the only reading and traditionally experiencing a plot that I’ve experienced in a while.
I liked it. I don’t know a single thing about the sea, but when I was around 17-19, I used to really like nautical themes, sea and ocean themes, and pirates. I cannot write a single story like that so to see that someone wrote something that seems like it already seems like a thing and put it into a very engaging story is fascinating to me.
The sea has the same exact uncertainty in it as “space.” Making world building types that explore content like that are fun, but I struggle very hard. I don’t know how to do exercises. I don’t know how to actually write. One day, I’m going to write a link on here with my writing style so you can see exactly how I write. It’d be so telling.
Anyway, thank you for talking to me. Stay healthy and hydrated (I wish I was)
What did you bring to the potluck? 
11 replies on “Ramble with a chance of brainstorming.”
I know I’m about to sound like your mother again (sorry), but you are amazing and the right people will come along. I know that does nothing to make you feel better in the short term, but you are doing some incredible work here. Nobody else thinks and sees the world like you do. Keep at it. 🙂
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It means a lot to me when you leave these comments.🥹 I’ve talked about it recently to my mom about a lot of things and moms really do help. ☺️😩
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I don’t like answering the “why’s” because they rarely have a positive answer. I liked both drawings. I’m a huge fan of horror/psycho thriller so if you write more stuff like that I would love it. But would love your posts even if you don’t 🙂
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😂 I swear. The true pessimist comes out when I answer a why.
And, I struggle so much with horror. I understand how it works and how it’s done and what makes it scary and why even the cheesiest ideas mean something, but I just struggle to write it. It’s a bit abstract about what makes something horror or even why people sympathize with horror and the very interesting ideas implied by particular archetypes of killers. It’s hard.😩
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True, horror is so hard to write. I think it’s probably one of the most difficult genres because fear is so individual and specific. Still, try it out even if you’re not fully satisfied. I think practice often helps improve your writing.
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True. I might just try it.
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Hope you do
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Your writing is raw, pure, honest. You give words to feelings so well, giving life to emotions we are taught to suppress from an early age.
One of the best books I read during the lockdown was about solitude and the creative life….it was called At the Center of all beauty.
I think that this sense of being an outsider, feeling so different, is part of the gift of creativity. I make occasional forays into socializing, pretending to some degree of normalcy, but I am more at home walking in nature, singing to myself. At my age, I am at peace with it, but the feeling of otherness was so hard when I was younger.
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That’s interesting! That book sounds interesting.
And there’s so many creatives with friends, people who love them, and care about them who live a very typical life.
I lack a lot of social skills, the ability to know how to respond to things, responding back to people in ways they hate, being heavily opinionated, so on.
It was fine when I was in high school because I thought I looked cool and I was okay with feeling mysterious, but now that I’m a bit older, it’s just depressing.
I’m not irregular. I am average. I don’t understand how some people are considered different and special and coveted and some people are just the top dog in their group. On one end, it’s not like I want to go through the typical cycles of life or have friends, I just want to stop feeling like a dumb alien against humans. 🥲 It’s awful and my selfness gets worse every year. I am annoying.
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And thank you for the compliment.
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💗
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