Screw perfection

I am giving y’all a unfocused rant about something that ticked me off. I’m not going to edit this. Sorry if it sounds dumb or brash.

Being perfect or trying to be hasn’t really helped anyone. It’s a dumb concept and conveniently works with grind culture and other spaces I don’t want to be apart of.

I’m not perfect and I’m not sure if I even want to be anymore. It hasn’t helped me in the past and worked against my confidence. Some things just don’t work for me. I understand some people are okay with things in life and it makes them feel important and they’re amazing, but I’m not cool with a lot of things and they don’t improve my life.

I used to be so upset in school when I used to be called smart and intelligent but I still had to study and it seemed like other people did. I didn’t want to study. I didn’t even like the material! I didn’t enjoy school until I got into eleventh grade because it was more interesting then. I wanted to just be smart. I wanted everyone to keep calling me smart. I didn’t and still don’t feel smart, but I know now it’s just a meaningless label like being lazy, cool, stupid, or mature. I was called mature when I was younger because I didn’t talk, yet I cried every year at school and had some immature issue going on at home. I’m not mature. I still am not mature. I “think differently” than some people but I’m not mature nor am I special. In the classrooms that I’ve been, I’m not that well liked or even cared about. I was never put into special groups and when they’d tell me they like me, I knew they were lying. I didn’t even do my homework, I just talk a lot and want people to hear me.

Anywho, perfectionism was the reason why I didn’t do my homework. It was never advanced enough, never good enough, never worth showing, and if I did it, it was never going to be perfect. I use that annoying site Duolingo and frequently tell myself it’s okay to get less than a 100%. Nobody is watching me and the little characters still get happy when I get an 86% or less. Yet, I don’t feel smart enough. I didn’t try in school because trying and receiving failure was stressful.

I was never an A student. I never had amazing grades. I’ve always been average and always somehow got ok grades. I didn’t and still didn’t read a lot after I peaked at six. So I mean, my perfectionism is nonsensical, but it just so happens that it gets worse.

I can’t do that crap at college. Getting low grades literally make me feel dead inside and like I’m worthless, wasting my mom’s time and money, and I’d be better off dead. It literally is that bad. I hate school but I can’t drop out. I want to learn, but graduation is the only option. My life would be worthless and I’d be a bad person if I drop out. Do I think other people are that way if they drop out? No. Honestly, it’s so exhausting for me to be myself that I can only make comparisons with people in my spaces.

I am a lazy piece of crap. Some people who drop out have classically successful lives I can’t dream of having because they have drive and doesn’t matter if they were in school or not. They have something about them that makes them want to do something. I don’t. I don’t have that skill and I’m not even sure I care enough nor have faith to change it. I cannot see myself in the future really. I can make dreams and think of them but I don’t actually see them as reality nor care about things. I feel in the moment. I have ideas and plans I do in the moment, but when I make goals, sometimes they feel meaningless or not worth achieving.

And I constantly make goals. Regardless how elaborate they are to poorly planned, they don’t really work out as planned. They’re done halfway or are changed and some of those plans are okay. Majority don’t impact my life in an irreversible way, but they keep me average, forgettable, and boring.

It’s like the condescending thing a lot of older people say where there’s an idiot that’s in an obstacle course and instead of thinking of new ways to get over the brick wall, the idiot just keeps hitting the wall with a hammer and getting tired but nothing changes.

And what makes it worse is that I listen to people and their ideas of success—some that aren’t for me but I’m permeable and people can say stuff and I’ll consider it—and I never feel successful. I don’t care if I graduated high school. I don’t care if other people didn’t. I didn’t do things the way I wanted and didn’t graduate in the way that would make me smart or even competitive. I punish myself when my GPA drops. I didn’t in high school even though I should’ve.

I wanted to be those kids that studied for a long time and had no friends. I had no friends. I did the unthinkable and tried making internet friends and failed. If I could be a hermit closed off of the world or single souled (to only be happy/content) and successful, I wouldn’t have to think about my success.

That’s exactly why I just don’t like perfectionism. I don’t like being like that. I don’t like caring about people and doing what they want. I can’t help it. I can’t help wanting attention and appreciation. I just do.

Anyway, see you in a bit.☺️ I just wanted to get it off my chest.


By Feets

I don’t like feet; I’m just trying to be funny and that’s a word I think about a lot.

This is a blog about assorted topics I’m interested in. I will write about different things. I love worldbuilding and I like researching. :)


12 replies on “Screw perfection”

“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you insane your whole life.”-Anne Lamott

You are an amazing, creative, and talented artist. It’s not an easy path. You see the world differently and it’s your superpower. It’s okay if you don’t want to play the stupid games of the world and you don’t buy into the crap we are sold (being a good consumer will make us happy, our worth is measured in dollars and pounds, etc). Try not to think too much about what your path ahead looks like and please don’t measure yourself against other people (way easier said than done).

You are a lot like my daughter—bursting with natural talent, incredibly intelligent, and simply fed up with the nonsense of the world. You will have to carve out your own path and measure success for yourself. As for me, as a bystander, I happen to think you are doing amazing. The fact you’ve created such incredible storylines and you continue to work on them DURING COLLEGE is seriously impressive. My wish for you today is that you see how crazy talented you are.❤️

Liked by 1 person

Aww, thank you so much! It’s hard thing. It’s like one man’s trash is another one’s treasure; I’m an idiot that’s wasting their time to some and a passion visionary that’s interesting and fascinating to others. It’s hard to find those that feel the latter, but when I do, I always appreciate y’all.💕

Liked by 1 person

Society has done a number on us, by imposing its values on what we have to be and how we have to feel. None of us are ‘perfect’, and never will be… and that’s just how it is. Doesn’t matter what they say, nothing is going to change that.

Liked by 1 person

Thank you! Someone FINALLY said it. Exactly. Nothing is going to change it. There are things that are great in some people’s opinion or terrible, but there’s nobody that’s perfect and they don’t need to be.

I wish people would recognize that and just sllllooooow on down a tad.😵‍💫

Liked by 1 person

Yoh I can relate to all of this. Wow, we just need to do a little bit everyday and then all of a sudden we have achieved something. We all know this but being tied to daily habits may seem awful and daunting. I wish I had something to comment other than “damn!!!!!”. The “nothing changes” got me. Nothing changes it only gets worse, but I noticed a change in my life when I started to expect to be happy for no reason and try to build trust with myself by doing the things I promised myself I would do. I have a back and forth with myself that is kinder and more stern when its needed. I can’t relate to the need for attention and being seen by others. Thank you for sharing.

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I don’t think you are a lazy piece of crap, you have created worlds and given life to amazing characters. You make your own paints in these beautiful unnamed colors. I see it as a rare talent because I have very little imagination.

I don’t shoot for perfection, I just try to do better. Sometimes I make mistakes, sometimes I make progress, that’s life.

Liked by 1 person

Aww, thank you. You make me feel better.

And imagination is thinking about what you hate and what you like and combining it in different permutations. You probably have an active imagination and may not know it or like it.

I know some people really do when they spew negativity and/or feel alone.

Emotions help and enjoying those emotions for what they are instead of happy good, sad bad. But oh man, is it hard. Emotions can drive us bonkers if unregulated.😂


I’m a perfectionist too and I really understand how you feel. One thing I hate about perfectionism is that it stops me from trying new things because I’m scared I’ll fail at them.

Liked by 1 person

Right. It’s ridiculous because when other people fail at something, I’ll just be like “aww, that’s too bad but you’ll get it next time” but with me I’ll be like 🤬🤬🤬 “worthless whore. With all this failure, you’d be better off dead.” Maybe I’d act like that towards people if it’s socially acceptable but it seems like I choose not to.😂

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