I can’t bring myself to talk about the things I want to talk about

I’m not trying to say I don’t care anymore because that would be disingenuous, but I feel like half of my soul has been slurped out of my body and reminds out there leaving me a sad and partially empty and angry individual.

I hate whining because it seems like only a select group of people want to hear it, but dang. I hate this world. And not because it’s villainously bad or anything, it’s the bane of my existence. I cannot and I’m not sure will ever be able to stand people unless I’m sedated. And again, not just evil people that are easy to hate. I hate a lot of well-meaning people who are basking in their false senses of security while dumping every single living problem on everyone else. Not even worrying about their own lives or repercussions because they don’t have to.

I know I sound like a hypocrite. We are all a hypocrite to someone, but some people are so far up to social justice that they don’t do a single thing that is worthy or actually helps people. Same with these so called people that are allegedly the opposite that are PC killers or whatever. They’re not doing anything. Nothing has happened. Nobody has stopped the bad guy. At this point, is it even their goal to? Or to fight amongst another? Why are marginalized groups fighting for representation and yet, not getting a SINGLE DROP of glory. Ultimately, wanting and fighting for your freedom is destroying it.

People don’t want equality, they want to be happy. If you secretly have people a pill to save the world but be equal or a happy pill, I can assure you 77% would choose the happy pill.

Is this a bad thing?

No. Equality isn’t freedom. Human kind doesn’t want freedom. They want to be happy and happy all the time. They don’t care about others. As long as their happy and if they lost dimensions of their soul to be in Heaven, Nirvana, and other joyous places, they’d take it. Nobody cares about, you don’t care about others. I like to believe I do, but tons of well-meaning but self serving people have told me all humans are bad and only care about themselves no matter how many times I tried to argue that I just will go as they say. Their microcosm probably is Hell, itself.

Drawing is my life, but it’s not a need. I don’t breathe art. I’m not an artist. I do drawings and cartoons and some people call it art. I stopped, because frankly, the word meant something to me and it hindered my progress.

I don’t want to be an artist anymore.

Art, by definition, is one of the stupidest and strangest concepts to mankind and only exists to sell a collective universal that doesn’t exist. Kerry James Marshall’s Black art only resonates with me because we are both Black. I cannot relate to the pictures. I don’t have the lived experience. However, galleries and political pictures don’t care.

It’s easier for many people to lump people into groups because it’s convenient and they don’t have to think hard at all to where the point in their head is it has boobs and a skirt, big lips, big hips. It a female. Must reproduce. It got gray sweatpants on and has a beard and features of a male. It a male. Must reproduce. Groups are convenient and some people can’t live without them and have what is like an autistic meltdown when it’s change.

I don’t want someone invalidating my creation as an art object because it doesn’t follow some outdated idea of what it’s supposed to look like. Which brings me to my next point.

Everyone says study realism and anatomy and your art will improve.

TO WHAT?!

What is my artwork supposed to be looking like? I’ve had people share their expectations for me to get better and it tanked my self esteem and my little heart. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO BE IMPROVING ON?!

Everyone says art is soooo subjective and you can do anything you want but then you read an article to improve your way and get dunked with so many (honestly worthless) opinions and if you’re silly and young like me, don’t take them with a grain of salt because everyone is saying that.

So, I learn anatomy and realism…and then break the rules I spent my whole time not having fun or enjoying and going back to cartoons I wanted to draw 300+ years ago…and I look to see that I actually wanted to draw that way even if the art style is bad to everyone…what now? Do I stop enjoying what I love because it’s not good enough?

No offense, but we need to stop telling kids to be themselves. You’re always going to be yourself. You cannot escape your body, your physiology, your mind. Let’s say you’re in a play as Hamlet.

There’s a script, but your choices to act and how to deliver are purely your own and are just as frustrating if you had whatever. Stop telling kids that.

Their enough is never enough and they’ll live with it and if they don’t, I’m sorry. I’m learning the sheer inconvenience and frustration being myself.

My art is not abstract enough to be marketable, my art is not realistic or impressive. My own family ignores my art objects and drawings unless I gaslight them or perform a whole ASPCA commercial for attention.

I don’t enjoy drawing more realistically but I know I have to.

Unless you have an interest that is marketable that everyone likes or you want the glory, you’re going to get ignored or be lucky and have a niche group of people like and want to pay for your interests.